10 rules for surviving a narcissistic parent

Dear Lawyer,
I am the mother of two children, aged 12 and 5. I have a difficult judicial separation underway. I was the one who left my husband because he was aggressive towards me: he criticized everything I did and said, he insulted me and treated me badly even in front of the children. However, he doesn’t accept that he has been left and he wants to “make me pay”. He never misses an opportunity to fuel the conflict: he doesn’t pay child support, he doesn’t respect the visit schedule decided by the judge, he speaks badly about me to the children. So he makes my life impossible and he doesn’t care if our children suffer.

The consultant (psychiatrist) appointed by the judge wrote that the father has “narcissistic traits”, but does not have a real personality disorder.

I am very demoralized because, after about a year and a half of litigation and psychological assessments involving the whole family, it seems that the judge has not understood how harmful this father can be for his children.

How can I protect them from such an inadequate father?
Arianna

Dear ,
Unfortunately, in separation cases, parents like your husband are often not judged “inadequate” by the Court, because they are not diagnosed with a personality disorder. In these cases, the evaluation is often rigid: if you do not have a pathology you are “normal”, therefore a priori endowed with rights and freedom to act.

It happens, therefore, that judges, underestimating the damage that can be caused to a child by a narcissistic parent, decide in favor of shared custody and regulation standard of the children’s interactions with the narcissistic parent, in the name of the child’s right to two-parenthood and, indeed, of the “normality” of the same parent.

It therefore becomes of fundamental importance that the other parent has the necessary tools to deal with the situation and to best protect their children.

Even if it is very difficult to accept, in fact, the narcissistic parent establishes a toxic relationship with the child: he is not interested in the child except as a tool to satisfy his needs and to achieve his destructive goals.

I therefore respond to you with some fundamental rules, which I hope will be useful to you and to all parents who find themselves in situations like yours.

1) Learn to recognize the narcissistic parent.
To defend children from a narcissistic parent, the first step is to learn to recognize the signs.

The narcissistic parent puts his or her needs before those of the child. He expects his children to adapt to his needs and not vice versa. So, for example, the narcissistic parent will plan family vacations based on his or her needs and desires and not those of the children; he will never give up the padel tournament to attend his son’s school or sports recital or another important event in his son’s life, and so on.

If he is not sufficiently incensed, the narcissistic parent can become very aggressive, to the point of losing control: this also happens when the child does not obey, disappoints his expectations, or expresses favorable appreciation towards the other parent.

The narcissistic parent does not treat their children equally: they have their favorite child and this makes others feel inadequate and insecure. In any case, children cannot be themselves, all living in constant expectation of doing something to gratify the narcissist and in fear of his reactions.

2) Be aware of the potential harm to your children.
Children who grow up with a narcissistic parent risk what psychologists call “role reversal”, being improperly invested with the function of satisfying the parent’s needs, to be devalued if this is deemed insufficient, thus developing insecurity, emotional dependence and the growing vulnerability which will then make them the target of further humiliation by the narcissistic parent. Or they will become narcissists themselves, identifying with their persecutor.

Keep in mind, then, that your children’s mental health and future are at stake.

3) Don’t feel guilty as a parent.
Self-pity is useless and counterproductive: it prevents you from adequately carrying out your parental role; instead, your children desperately need to have at least one adequate parent who educates them, protects them and guides them in their life choices. Certainly choosing a narcissist as a co-parent was a mistake, but many make mistakes in good faith and it is important to react: children must grow up with a parent who shows them how life is more than indulging the narcissist’s demands.

4) Establish legal boundaries.
The narcissistic parent does not respect the rules, because his goal is to destabilize your life and that of his children. It is essential, therefore, to prevent this from happening, that any separation agreements are always very well defined, indeed “armored”: precisely establish the days, times and methods of picking up and dropping off children and the other rules for managing children. themselves. And then demand compliance with what was agreed upon, even acting legally if necessary. You need to create a stable environment for your children and maintain a routine, because the predictability of daily life reassures them. Support from the family network can also be important.

5) Set emotional boundaries.
The narcissistic parent is often invasive also psychologically and expresses critical and offensive judgments towards the child, for example about his physical appearance, weight, character, thus making him feel inadequate. This is a form of abuse.

You must set very clear limits on what the narcissistic parent can and cannot do/say and if these boundaries are violated you must re-establish them also by resorting to legal protection.

6) Increase your children’s self-esteem.
Growing up with a narcissistic parent can have a negative impact on the child’s self-image and identity formation. Try to get your child to do something that increases his self-esteem, for example a sport in which he can excel and feel appreciated and valued, or an activity that he enjoys. Reward him by praising him and rewarding him for his successes and his efforts. Remember that what was done to you by the narcissist can be done to your children and help them strengthen themselves day by day.

7) Be a father and a mother.
When the narcissistic parent is unable to undermine the balance that you have been able to create after the separation, he or she sometimes becomes fugitive and even abandonment can be very destabilizing for a child. If this happens, in addition to your own, you must carry out the tasks that were previously the responsibility of the other parent.

You must be ready to defend your children in court, because the narcissist can reappear years later, inventing that he or she has been estranged from you and perhaps demanding custody of the offspring.

8) Warn your children against the manipulation of the narcissistic parent.
The narcissistic parent emotionally manipulates their children and uses them for their own purposes through perverse communication, made up of lies and false promises.

For this reason, you must teach children to be critical and to objectively analyze the information/requests that come from the narcissistic parent. By doing so, you will help your children develop greater awareness and prevent the narcissistic parent from making them feel guilty.

9) Embrace your children’s emotional needs.
The narcissistic parent is unable to recognize the emotional needs of the child and this can arouse in the child a feeling of shame for the emotions he experiences (“stop crying, aren’t you ashamed?“). Therefore, you must be particularly attentive to your child’s emotionality/sensitivity.

10) Activate psychological support.
Protecting children from a narcissistic parent is a very challenging undertaking. Don’t expect to do everything alone and ask for help from a professional who can support you and give you practical advice on dealing with various life situations.
It may also be important to activate support for your children, to help them implement strategies to control anxiety or anxiety stress which can cause the relationship with the narcissistic parent, a traumatic relationship. If the child is a minor, the agreement of both parents is required and usually the narcissistic parent denies consent to the child’s therapy; in this case, you can appeal to the Court to authorize the use of the psychologist.

Courage Arianna. The good news is that he can do it.

We have to do it.

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