During the global pandemic that has left us most isolated in a century, the time has come to take a closer look at what it means to be lonely.
It’s an age-old dilemma that’s been catching our attention for the past two years: How we feel fulfilled and connected in our relationships?
As a species, humans thrive on being around others, said Louise Hawkley, principal research scientist at the University of Chicago’s NORC Academic Research Centers. But how much and what kind of contact each person needs to feel part of a community varies between individuals, as well as across a person’s life stage, she added.
A common notion is that loneliest people are those who are alonebut it’s important to separate the two terms, said Carla Perissinotto, professor of medicine and associate head of Clinical Geriatrics Programs at the University of California, San Francisco.
Children can be lonely because they can’t see their friends at school; marginalized people may feel lonely because the community does not welcome them; and older adults can experience loneliness through retirement or the death of a loved one, Carla said.
With the pandemic exacerbating loneliness problems, many healthcare professionals are concerned about the mental and physical health risks associated with feeling lonely — such as depression, cardiovascular problems and early death, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). from United States.
That’s why, according to experts, it’s important to identify what it means to be lonely and what we can do about it.
Alone means lonely?
When it comes to combating loneliness with social contact, quality is far more important than quantity.
“One of the things that distinguishes between loneliness and isolation is that loneliness has very little to do with quantity, how many people you interact with, how many groups you belong to,” said Louise. “Although there is a relationship (between the two), it’s not very strong.”
Those who choose to live alone, be single or simply spend a lot of time alone are not necessarily lonely, she added.
THE The key to the matter is not looking at circumstances and guessing what feelings must be associated with them., but rather asking yourself if you’re lonely, Carla said. If your loneliness is a choice and you have people who can support you if you need help, there’s no saying that you can’t live a happy life by feeling a little lonely.
And just as being alone doesn’t necessarily equate to loneliness, interacting with other people doesn’t mean fulfillment for everyone, Louise said.
“People can be around others and feel lonely anyway, or basically they can be lonely souls and not feel alone,” she said.
Why do I feel so alone when I’m not?
If your social media feed is full of photos from parties with large groups or wherever you go you have an acquaintance you can greet but still feel the pain of loneliness, you’re not being dramatic, Carla said.
“You can have a lot of social contacts and still be incredibly lonely,” he added. “You can see someone who is very gregarious, and it seems like they are very connected, but still some have a deep sense of loneliness.”
There are three main types of connection, and loneliness can stem from a sense of lack in any of them, Louise said.
The first is called intimate connection, when someone like a romantic partner, for example, is so close to you that part of your identity intertwines with his, she said. Then there’s the relational connection, which you establish with close friends and confidants, and then the collective connection, that is, those interactions that make you feel part of a community, Louise said.
It’s important to identify what kind of loss of connection the feeling is coming from, she said. And then you have to assess the quality of those relationships, Carla said.
“I think these are some really tangible things to ask yourself, is this valuable to me? Do I feel valued? Does it help me feel like I have a sense of purpose and that makes me feel good?” Carla said.
What can I do about it?
Identifying what kind of connection you want and the quality of relationships you already have are important first steps, but the path you want to take from there is entirely up to your specific context.
“There is no ‘one size fits all’,” said Carla. “For some, having a really deep and meaningful connection with a person is key to those feelings of connection, but for others it might just be contact with a stranger.”
A deep conversation with a stranger in an airport bar, the smile of feeling recognized when you order “the usual” at the diner you usually go to, a call to an old friend or establishing more trust and openness with your partner are ways to lessen feelings of loneliness, she adds.
Even speaking publicly or privately about loneliness is one way to combat it, Carla added.
If you have a hard time exposing yourself to make the connections you need or get stuck in thought patterns that you won’t be welcomed, it might be time to seek the help of a mental health professional, Louise said.
Other resources are also available to help fill that gap, said Matt Pantell, assistant professor in the department of pediatrics and faculty member at the Center for Health and Community at the University of California, San Francisco.
“For someone who is lonely because they don’t have friends or family and want to meet new people to connect with, there are many organizations that help facilitate this, either directly through social connection groups, or indirectly through shared activities. Many of these organizations have adapted to become safer during pandemics,” said Pantell.
Source: CNN Brasil
