Andrea Montovoli: “I’ve stopped being ashamed”

When reporters asked him how he started acting, Andrea Montovoli he always replies the same thing, convincing himself that it was the truth: he said he had accompanied a friend to an audition and that the casting director had noticed him, but it was not true. To admit that he has developed a passion for theater in a prison, where he served a sentence for drug dealing, in Montovoli it took a Big Brother Vip, the first public occasion that allowed him to uncover the vase, and a book, I am not Gray, published by Mondadori, in which he tells his story in detail, entrusting the narrator to a teenager named after the color his emotions represented in those years: Gray, «an indefinite color, a color that I saw in the darkest moments ».

“I’ve been wanting to tell this story for 10 years” explains Montovoli, 36, on the phone, listening once and for all to that little voice that advised him to write, transforming “shame” into a strength. “Writing was therapy because it allowed me to speak more freely about hard topics like this” insists Montovoli who, for the cover of the book, chose to represent a tiger, his guide animal, in the act of spitting from its jaws Colorful flowers. “It is as if he had swallowed kilos and kilos of emotions that are now coming back. It represents me and the strength to be able to get myself out of a complicated situation ».

Let’s start from the end: in the last chapter of the book, in a letter written by his Soul, he writes: «Thank you for having hit the bottom in the worst way».
“The human being often does not calculate his own humanity, and this is terrible because talking to yourself and giving yourself strength when you feel alone is essential. The Soul can be a resource, as well as the child we have inside and who must never stop dreaming ».

Why did he decide to talk about his past in prison for the first time only at Big Brother Vip?
“At first I perceived it as a shame. Experience al GF she managed to get rid of this burden, and now I’m proud of that bullshit: bullshit in life must be done because it makes you a better person, it’s important to always see the glass half full and try to pursue your dream “.

The theater, which you approached in prison, you describe as “the center of a parallel universe”.
«The profession of the actor allows you to live many lives in one: it was really a salvation for me».

Referring to his first night in detention, he writes: “the body is imprisoned, but my mind will always be free.”
«I think people should put a lot of dreams in the drawer and then wear them: not necessarily one and that’s it, on the contrary. You must have a lot of them because if you have a lot of cartridges you have more possibilities in front of you. After giving up my dream of becoming a footballer, theater gave me the strength I needed to keep going. There were many activities inside the prison, but I felt that this was the only one that could give me a future. Maybe I wasn’t good at it, but trying wouldn’t hurt me. “

At 12, the death of her father suddenly overwhelms her: is that the turning point that will make her take certain paths?
“Yup. And that’s why I hope this novel can reach all people who can’t find the strength to get out of difficult situations like a sudden bereavement. When they write to me on Instagram to thank me, I realize how good it is that something good has come out of my mistakes “.

Yet she as a teenager, also thanks to the work in the woods and the early morning in the summer, seemed centered.
“The contact with nature was important: at 16, making cement mixers and cleaning the drains doesn’t seem like the best, but it was formative”.

A key figure of that period was his grandfather.
“He was my superhero. Although he had never come to see me in prison, he never made me weigh the bullshit: it was as if he knew I would find a way to fill that half-empty glass. He was a man of few words, but just ”.

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As well as her family, who have been silently close to her.
“I was very ashamed of never having a mother for the bullshit I had done, but hearing her and my sister close was fundamental. Especially when you realize that many prisoners do not have a dialogue with the family ».

Let’s talk about this “bullshit”, about this elephant in the room: what did drugs represent for you?
“An antidote from bad thoughts that could come to you. The thought of my father, of a situation that was not working well, of the footballer’s dream vanished. When you realize that everything is slipping from your hands it is not easy: because of the bad company you go and hide behind that smoke only to realize that it leads nowhere “.

Did he make peace with those bad companies?
«I made peace with myself: the elephant in the room has now become a mouse because, thanks also to writing, I fought it and defeated it. I managed to close a circle, and it doesn’t matter if the book will sell much or not: already being able to write this story and leave an emotion to only one reader is a victory for me. This is why I would like to continue writing in the future as well, I have so many things in mind ».

Who is the first person who did you read it?
«Roberta, my girlfriend. She has always been by my side during the lockdown and has been instrumental in encouraging me to write. My mother, who is a mangialibri, instead read it only once it was assembled ».

All the protagonists of the book express a color linked to a particular mood: what color do you feel now?
“Maybe blue, like the color of the tiger on the cover: in the book, blue is associated with the driving force of everything, with love, and I think it’s right to start from here.”

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