Take control, set the rules, decide what to do and how to do it. And again: taking responsibility for directing the game, exploring its extreme sides. But on one condition: that there is total awareness on the part of those who “give up power” of what is happening. In a clear exchange relationship with very specific limits, always dictated by those who decide to submit. This happens in a BDSM relationship and it’s the subtle but all-important difference between play and abuse.
Yet, when one thinks of BDSM, or those activities characterized by bondage, discipline, submission, sadism and masochism, “a dark and perverse imaginary, made up of torture and suffering” often comes to mind. A reality that is instead very different: “more complex, but above all more fun”, writes Andrea Farolfi, author of the new manual Be Kinky, 12 and more experiences for a year of pleasure.
Because sexuality can have many facets and enriching it with practices such as bondage, spanking, role-playing or fetishism can help fuel play and experimentation as a couple, leading to discover new sensations and sublimate pleasure.
But, when it comes to BDSM, what exactly does it mean to dominate? How is a ruler born? And above all, how is it possible to openly share one’s sexuality? He agreed to tell us about it in a completely confidential manner Lord Snake, one of the cornerstones of BDSM in Italy. Here is her story of “normal” kinky eroticism and passion.
When it all started
“I was twenty when I came across some somewhat peculiar online content. And then and there I thought: “Why do I like this thing that I shouldn’t like instead?”. I wanted to understand something more and I started to deepen. I learned more and more things, understood what I like and what I don’t like, and then I moved on to attend bdsm circles and parties in person. Because when you visualize this thing, you project it into a real and concrete reality, it is no longer something dark, foggy. Certain atmospheres, from the point of view of the erotic imaginary are also functional, but when you find yourself face to face with other people and see that they are just like you, you understand that it can be a normal thing and like all normal things you can talk about it .
At a certain point my first encounter with the BDSM practice came and it was marked, in reality, by a feeling of strong inadequacy. I realized from the very beginning that there is much more behind it than what appears. The domination fantasy is one thing and it is quite another to put it into practice. Quite “mundane” things, like spanking or handcuffs on the wrists, fit into a lighter climate, but when you are faced with a person with slightly higher expectations from an emotional point of view, you know if you are up to or less of the situation. In that specific case, I probably wasn’t quite so and I said to myself: “Okay, you have to equip yourself. Learn how it works and don’t risk making a bad impression” ».
But what is BDSM?
«Commonplaces and prejudices apply to all things that are not well known. Said this, BDSM is undoubtedly a different way of experiencing sex but also relationships and this should not be perceived in a negative way because each person lives their sexuality in the way that is most congenial to them. In many films, when we talk about it, the figure of the “dominatrix” is presented who does it for money, or of men with a dominant role who always have a difficult background or psychological problems behind them. In a movie like Secretaryfor example, the protagonist is a “submissive” who was already suffering from a form of self-harm and who was causing herself pain, which is a very wrong association, since it is very important to stay away from these practices if you have unresolved underlying problems.
Generally speaking, those who choose BDSM can be considered a he or she who likes a different way of experiencing sexuality and certainly a great way to define it today is kinksteran Anglo-Saxon term that has recently spread and that comes from kinka strange thing, out of the ordinary. In BDSM, however, there is also a more introspective, rational part, linked to the couple’s understanding. There is no form of gender revenge on the other gender, but it is important to be comfortable in a context where one person has control over another. This is done by taking measures, negotiating this relationship, making it consensual. Because the exchange of power is what lies at the heart of BDSM, the Domination / Submission part is its center. One person cedes part of their control to the other person and this can be limited exclusively to the sensual and sexual context, through practices that both enjoy., and which can range from whiping or rope use to immobilization and pain. Or, on certain occasions, they can become a sort of playful thread within a daily relationship in which there is also a Domination / Submission part. And, I assure you, that there is always the maximum mutual consent and that all this has nothing to do with certain patriarchal dynamics ».
Once upon a time there were BDSM forums. And today?
“I was lucky, I admit it. It is not easy to immediately find the opportunity to attend “clean” environments. I used a chat that no longer exists, a little bit nerd, created by people from the environment. We keep in mind that 20 years ago, in the early 2000s, there were no themed events or print magazines and bdsm was still a hidden reality, people met in old fashioned ways like forums. There were also moments of aggregation in which we knew each other and also created strong friendships. I have some that date back to 2005, from the days when I was in the community Bacaro Sadico, created by a Venetian mistress and which now no longer exists. Since then the experience has evolved, over time opportunities have arisen in many cities where you can meet and practice, without all of this being seen as something negative or “dirty”. At first it was on Facebook, but now there are other aggregation platforms. For instance Fetlife, which is the most important site in the world, although in Italy it is not very widespread due to the language barrier, or Telegram, quite used by the whole community “.
Sex, love and BDSM
“Realizing twenty years ago that I like to make love this way and that I want to have these ingredients in my sex life was the turning point. I have decided that I wouldn’t have had “vanilla relationships” because they wouldn’t have been one hundred percent satisfying to me. If you decide to go on with a person you feel comfortable with, but then sex doesn’t work in the long run, you go looking for satisfaction outside the couple and I didn’t want to do this. My relationships, therefore, have always been of this kind. Normal relationships, however, in which there was the bdsm element, with people known in this area, because I knew they would be compatible with me from this point of view.
The woman who became my wife I met her 11 years ago on a platform that would soon be supplanted by social networks in the maximum expansion phase. I don’t know exactly what happened with her, yet we “recognized” immediately. It will be commonplace, but it is true that you understand it immediately when you meet the right person, when things work from every point of view. We met in February and within a few months she moved from Val d’Aosta here to Tuscany. We understood that we were one half of the other, we were well, in perfect harmony and so we got married in September of the following year, after a year and a half of living together. Today I am 44, she is 40 and we have two wonderful children, the youngest born in December. We are an absolutely normal family and although the presence of children has imposed limits on our sexual freedom, the hope is nevertheless to succeed in go back to “playing” very soon“.
Appointment at the Quinto Canto
“Fortunately there is the Fifth Canto. And the BDSM party that I organize periodically in Tuscany since 2014, that is, since my wife and I got tired of having to move to Bologna or Milan every time to attend valid themed parties… “Why don’t we create an appointment here too?”, we said to ourselves one day. Of course, organizing is very tiring but we conceived it as a mission, like a way to prevent bdsm from being practiced without rules, because it could be a very dangerous thing if lived in the wrong way. To the Fifth Canto you can look at each other, everything is checked and if something does not come back, action is taken to ensure the safety of the participants. And then it becomes a kind of sharing, there are also those who come just to look, to understand how certain things are done. In addition to the emotional, erotic, emotional aspect, there is also the practical one: you learn how to tie, use a whip, do everything right, without risking doing and getting hurt.
In fact, there are even lesser known events where anything can happen, but in those like the Fifth Canto – and others located in Lombardy or Liguria – the main rule is respect. The kink shaming it’s a thing to never do, each event provides 100% respect for others, without indulging in unsolicited effusions or excessive use of alcohol … In short: an environment where consent and safety are first.
The next appointment? It will be a simple aperitif in early September, immediately after the summer break. But to get an idea of all the events on the calendar, just keep an eye on the Facebook page FifthCantoParty“. Meanwhile, be kinky!
Other stories of Vanity Fair that might interest you are: \
What your sexual fantasies say about you
Whenever women orgasm in non-sexual situations
More intense orgasms? Train your PC muscle
How to use sex toys in the right way
Source: Vanity Fair
