Can a monogamous couple become non-monogamous and happy?

One monogamous couple Can You Become Non-Monogamous? Sure, they can — but do these couples survive and thrive? What are the pitfalls and what are the pleasures?

In my practice, I increasingly see couples of all ages who have always been in monogamous relationships, but are now seriously considering opening up their relationships. They are young couples just starting out, couples with young children and a mortgage, and empty nests looking to find their wings.

The reasons for taking the leap vary. Often, one or both partners may be feeling sexually dissatisfied in the primary relationship – it could be boredom, mismatched libidos or a desire to explore new horizons. There is sometimes a hunger for enthusiasm and energy that comes when people first connect with someone new. It is also possible that one or both partners do not believe in monogamy. For some couples, sex has always been an issue, even if the rest of the relationship works.

Whatever the reason, interest in non-monogamy – participation in non-exclusive sexual relationships – is on the rise. In a 2020 study of 822 currently monogamous people by Kinsey Institute researcher Justin Lehmiller, nearly a third stated that having an open relationship was their favorite sexual fantasy, and 80% wanted to act on it.

What happens if your relationship starts out monogamous and you or your partner change your mind? That doesn’t have to doom your relationship, Lehmiller said. “Research suggests that relationship quality is quite similar in monogamous and consensually non-monogamous relationships,” he said. “Both relationship styles can work well – and both can fail too.”

I believe the key to successful non-monogamy is in one word: consensual. Known as ethical non-monogamy, this approach is different from monogamous relationships in which partners cheat on each other. An ethically non-monogamous relationship involves two people who identify as a couple but who are not committed to a traditional relationship, according to sexologist Yvonne Fulbright.

“They gave each other the opportunity to independently date or have sex with others,” said Yvonne, who lives in Iceland. “Often a key component in these relationships is that the other relationship is sexual only, not romantic or emotional. There is no mistake in engaging in sex with other people.”

Some couples may find ethical non-monogamy easier than others. This includes those who discussed the possibility of an open relationship early on, as well as LGBTQ couples. “In my experience, gay and queer couples have an easier time with non-monogamy,” said New York-based sex therapist Dulcinea Alex Pitagora.

“They had to do more introspection and communication about their sexual or gender identity,” Dulcinea said. “That extra time spent understanding who they are, what they want, and learning how to communicate fits really well with communicating about non-monogamy.”

Weighing the pros and cons of non-monogamy

For couples who choose to open up their relationships ethically, there can be benefits. “Non-monogamy can be rewarding and a catalyst for self-growth,” said Madelyn Esposito, a sex therapist from Wisconsin. “This self-growth can deepen understanding and desire for your primary partner, as you have the space to explore yourself and your own sexual needs outside of relational boundaries.”

In an open relationship, there’s often less pressure to have all of your sexual needs met by your partner, says Florida-based sex therapist Rachel Needle. “And there’s less pressure on you to meet all of your partner’s sexual needs. This gives you the opportunity to enjoy sexual activity with your partner, but without additional tension or anxiety.”

Sometimes the heat generated outside the bedroom even reaches the main relationship. “Many non-monogamous people find that a variety of partners increases their libido and that this translates into increased sex in the primary relationship,” Lehmiller said. “Another thing we discovered in our research is that, in addition to sex, these relationships can also be mutually reinforcing. Specifically, being more satisfied with a secondary partner actually predicts being more committed to a primary partner.”

But making the leap to ethical non-monogamy isn’t always easy for historically monogamous couples. Often, one partner is “driving” and the other is a reluctant passenger along for the ride. Sometimes a couple cannot agree on what constitutes non-monogamy (casual sex with different people versus repeatedly seeing a person) or cannot agree on rules (posting an online profile, staying overnight, bringing someone home, no kissing).

One partner may be concerned about social stigma if others discover or simply cannot get beyond all the cultural messages that idealize monogamy. Non-monogamy can trigger strong feelings like jealousy and possessiveness. “Even bringing this up as a curiosity can feel threatening to some couples/partners,” said Yvonne.

What should you consider if ethical non-monogamy is on your mind?

Do it for the right reasons

There are numerous positive motivators for couples to try non-monogamy, but what you don’t want to do is rely on non-monogamy to put a band-aid on existing problems. “Using non-monogamy to fix a relationship is as effective as having a baby to fix a relationship — it’s a really bad idea,” said Rebecca Sokoll, a psychotherapist in New York City. “You need a strong, healthy relationship to transition to non-monogamy.”

Don’t do this to distance yourself from your partner. “Ethical non-monogamy can also be a defense mechanism, a delaying tactic, a game of hide-and-seek and an aversion to closeness,” said psychotherapist Hanna Zipes Basel of Minnesota who specializes in this area. “I’ve seen couples succeed when they enter non-monogamy with an already secure working relationship, when both are equally desiring non-monogamy and/or have had previous experience or done their homework.”

educate yourself

“Educate yourself about the wide range of philosophies, structures and compromises possible in the ethical world of non-monogamy through books, podcasts and articles,” suggested sex therapist Sari Cooper, who directs the Center for Love and Sex in New York City. “Journal about what each of you is looking for in this transition, and discuss those goals with your partner to see if you’re on the same page, and if not, what overlaps or compromises might work.”

Talk, talk and talk some more

There is no doubt that ethical non-monogamy requires communication – and lots of communication. “I suggest a ‘what if’ conversation before anyone takes action,” advises Los Angeles-based sex therapist Tammy Nelson. “Talking about the positive potentials, as well as the pitfalls of possible exploitation, can avoid problems that may arise later. The more you talk about problems before they happen, the better.”

A therapist’s experience working with couples pursuing ethical non-monogamy can help weigh the potential pros and cons, guide the process, and provide a neutral and safe space to discuss things.

set ground rules

Determine what ethical non-monogamy looks like for the two of you and agree on your parameters – stricter rules may be better when starting out – and plan to keep the conversation going.

“I see dozens of couples a year who come to therapy to try to negotiate their expectations ahead of time,” said Kimberly Resnick Anderson, a sex therapist in Los Angeles. “Couples who do their homework ahead of time have a much higher success rate than couples who jump in without preparation.”

“Even couples who prepare responsibly are often surprised by their reactions to certain situations and have to renegotiate boundaries.”

In my professional experience, couples who are successful in non-monogamy often don’t require many rules, because they trust each other, prioritize the main relationship, and have each other in mind throughout the process.

Redefine failure and success

If ethical non-monogamy doesn’t work for you — or leads to a breakup — that doesn’t mean it’s a loss. “Consider a couple with children who, without ethical non-monogamy, would have separated, and for whom non-monogamy stabilizes their relationship,” said New Jersey sex therapist Margie Nichols.

“Eventually, that stability doesn’t last, but ethical non-monogamy allows the couple to consciously separate and take time with the process,” Margie said. “Because of consideration, the family can continue to live together or near each other and still love and care for each other, and there is no bitterness or rancor between the two. I would call it a success – despite the divorce.”

In the end, successful couples are strongly committed to their primary relationship: they protect, cherish, and care for it. They make sure their foundation is solid and secure, and they continue to grow and expand as a couple in ways beyond sex. Non-monogamy can be an exciting new chapter for a couple, but it doesn’t mean your relationship story is over. It must seem like an exciting start.

*Editor’s Note: Ian Kerner is a licensed marriage and family therapist, writer, and relationship contributor for CNN. His latest book is a couples guide, “So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex.”