Can't sleep without your partner? Experts give tips

In recent years, couples going through a “sleep divorce” have been all the rage — or just the realization that co-sleeping isn't always the harmonious thing people think it should be.

But what if you actually have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep when your partner isn't there? This is also common, especially among people whose partners have died, said the Dr. Wendy Troxel Utah-based clinical psychologist and senior behavioral and social scientist at the RAND Corporation.

Some of the reasons this happens have to do with your partner alone, while others have more to do with the bedtime routine you have with your partner, which may be more conducive to sleep than the one you have without them.

“There has been so much focus on couples sleeping apart, but I was missing the other part of the story about why many couples prefer to sleep together and why there tends to be this psychological impulse to sleep with one person,” said Troxel, author of “Sharing the covered: the guide for couples to sleep better”. “At a basic level, co-sleeping provides a sense of security, which can actually facilitate healthy sleep.”

The sound of a partner's breathing, the weight and warmth of their body next to you, and the feeling of being safer and more secure — especially for women — can put your mind at ease, a necessary state for good sleep, she said. . “Our brains want to feel safe about falling asleep, and one of the best ways to feel safe is to have relatively predictable routines and environments,” Troxel said.

There's also the positive physiological effect of hugging, holding hands or having sex before falling asleep, which can stimulate feel-good hormones like oxytocin, which reduce stress, Troxel said. Doing these activities probably also means you spend less time on screens before bed, said the Dr Raj Dasgupta associate professor of clinical medicine at Huntington Health in Pasadena, California.

Sleep experts recommend turning off screens at least half an hour before going to bed. Additionally, “partners also become part of the ritual and routine of going to bed,” said Troxel. The routine aspect is essential for a good night's rest, as it helps regulate our circadian rhythms and signals to the brain that it's time to sleep, experts say.

When you miss out on that shared experience with your partner and feel less safe, it can increase your stress levels, experts say. What You Can Do About It “Sometimes a person may feel the need to master sleeping alone, even if they prefer to sleep with their partner – just for the sake of logistics and continuity when their partner is not present,” said the Dr. Joshua Tal New York-based clinical psychologist specializing in sleep problems.

One of the problems with trying to improve sleep health alone is that your partner typically isn't gone long enough for you to substantially develop the ability to sleep independently, Tal added. “After a few nights without sleeping well, you go to sleep. So it's important to have the chance to try it without the person to learn that you can sleep well without them,” Tal said.

Whether you set aside more time to practice or not, there are things you can try to get the comfort you need and make sleeping alone easier. This may include stretching, yoga, meditation, a hot bath, aromatherapy or breathing techniques such as progressive muscle relaxation, 4-7-8 breathing or diaphragmatic breathing, experts said.

If you need to feel your partner's presence in some way, keep a photo of them or an object that smells like them close to you, Tal said. Maybe it's one of his recently worn shirts or a pillow with cologne or perfume sprayed on it. A body pillow can help put weight back on the bed, Troxel said.

If you're worried about the room feeling too quiet without the sound of your partner's breathing, “fans or white noise are really good for simulating breathing noises,” Tal said. Some couples sleep apart – or at least start the night that way – because of different sleeping habits, even though they want to sleep together.

If you're a morning person but your partner is a night owl, maybe he can cuddle with you in time for you to fall asleep and then quietly leave the room to do whatever he wants until you're ready to sleep, Troxel said. If your bodies don't adapt to the same bedding or mattress, try using different blankets.

If you can afford it, two mattresses of different firmness can be joined together, or you can look for a mattress with technology that allows different textures and levels of elevation on separate sides.

Some couples have a habit of calling to say goodnight before bed, but for some people this can be more harmful than helpful if it increases feelings of longing and loneliness rather than comfort, Troxel said. Pay attention to what works for you. And of course there are long-standing guidelines for a healthy sleep routine, Dasgupta said.

It's important not to eat or drink alcohol or caffeine too late; have a cool, dark and silent environment; and regularly waking up and sleeping at the same times, he added. Doing all of these things even while your partner is present can further increase your chances of maintaining a healthy sleep routine, experts say.