Childhood jealousy survival guide: how to recognize, manage and prevent it

You are pregnant, a little brother for your child, who, yes, is enthusiastic, but occasionally shows impatience with the baby bump or the fact that you can no longer pick him up as before.

You have given birth, but the situation shows no sign of abating, on the contrary: your son, instead of showing protection and affection towards the newcomer, throws a tantrum, stamps his feet, whimpers.

It is normal: the infantile jealousy it is a phenomenon to be considered regular within the family unit, as every child wishes to be loved and appreciated by their parents exclusively or to a greater extent than brothers or sisters.

But what happens when jealousy is unmotivated and the child’s envy and resentment do not spontaneously regress and instead intensify and worsen? We asked the doctor for help Elisa Simeoni, psychologist of Guidapsicologi.it, to learn to recognize, manage and prevent childhood jealousy from leading to pathological dynamics.

What is childhood jealousy? How can we distinguish the normal one from the pathological one?

«Childhood jealousy, although it can manifest itself in different ages, is always attributable to the sense of frustration felt when the child perceives a change in attention from one or both parents in favor of a third party.

It is important to distinguish the normal jealousy from that pathological. Normal jealousy usually appears in conjunction with specific events in family life (for example, a new birth or the illness of a sibling that requires more attention and care from the parents) and is therefore motivated by a actual change in family structure.

More worrying is the jealousy which, in the absence of specific causes, seems to be “unmotivated”. There pathological jealousy it can be defined as such when the child’s envy and resentment do not spontaneously regress but intensify and worsen, continuing over time with the manifestation of any other symptoms both from an emotional and behavioral point of view.

In milder cases, the regression is spontaneous or can produce healthy competition, especially if the parents are able to provide adequate explanations for what is happening ».

Childhood jealousy: symptoms and causes

“In most cases, jealousy is revolted towards a brother (or sister) who appears to be the privileged one and the recipient of the greatest attention from parents. There is a frequent case of the birth of a little brother that causes jealousy especially in the child with a few years of difference (usually between 18 months and 3 years). This happens due to the easy overlapping of the care and nurturing needs that both require.

The expression of this discomfort could manifest itself through: regression to behaviors that are more childish than their age (a 7-year-old child, for example, may no longer be able to sleep alone or pee in bed), explicit requests for attention (“mom look at me, please”), frequent comparisons (“you gave him a kiss and not me”), expressions of anger and hostile attitudes towards the younger brother (arguments, throwing objects, shoving), or other negative behaviors of various kinds (such as disobedience, excessive dependence or the denial of one’s mistakes). As for the emotional sphere, there may be unmotivated mood swings, crying or other signs of unhappiness.

Another case is the reaction of a older brother (of 4 years or more), since the needs felt by him differ more than those of a child with a few months of life. Jealousy will be less frequent and more likely will be the tendency of the older brother to take care of the little brother, placing himself in the guise of the “second parent”.

Also there gender difference between siblings it could protect against the risk of jealousy, since, male and female, belonging to two different worlds with different ways of interacting, could have less competition towards each other.

In the case of only childreninstead, it is possible that jealousy refers to one of the two parents because of what Freud defines Oedipus complex (in the case of the male) or of Elettra (in the case of the female): a phase that occurs around the fifth-sixth year of age in the form of unconscious love towards the parent of the opposite sex and hostility and competition towards the parent of their own sex. This phase, necessary for the child’s emotional development, is resolved when the child understands that he will not be able to take the place of the parent of his own sex, but will be able to find, in adulthood, a peer capable of satisfying this need “.

Childhood jealousy: prevention in 6 steps

Here are some points to keep in mind, to prevent future jealousies:

Explain, foresee and reassure about what will happen: The aim is to increase the feeling of security in the eldest child.
Preserve the uniqueness of each child: Make him understand that the exclusivity he sees in his little brother was once his.
Increase the sense of inclusion: Encourage common activities and assign tasks that strengthen everyone’s responsibility.
Positively reinforce the successes achieved by each child: Emphasize their skills, so as to strengthen self-esteem and not create unnecessary envy.
Responding to the needs of each child: So that everyone can feel fully loved and understood. This does not mean the same gifts or the same attention, but rather to grasp what they really need.
Establish consistent and equal rules for each child: Divide the spaces inside the house.

Childhood jealousy: 4 tips to manage it better

Managing childhood jealousy is possible, if we do not forget that it does not depend only on the children, but also on the parents, who play a fundamental role in reducing or increasing it. Is critical:

Verbalizing the experiences of the children: Give voice to their emotions in order to help them understand what they are feeling at the moment, but also help them understand what is happening within the family.
Lighten regressive behaviors adopted by understanding, without judging or punishing: At the same time, behaviors aimed at attracting the parent’s attention (such as tantrums, tears and excessive jealousy) should not be reinforced. Their containment can take place thanks to the presence of rules that mitigate the negative feelings experienced and reinforcing the positive behaviors that the child puts in place when he respects the limits imposed and behaves adequately.
Enforce the rules clearly, without adopting too rigid punishments or educational methods: Let us remember that children take us as an example and the way we enforce the rules is also a source of learning and imitation!
Talk about the privileges of being one or the other child: Emphasize the positive aspects of each position.
Constantly reassuring about the love felt towards both, without labels or comparisons.

You can also find them summarized in our gallery.

Childhood jealousy: educational methods and parental responsibilities

An educational method that is too rigid and punitive would not facilitate the reduction of this feeling; on the contrary, the outcome could be harmful: jealousy could worsen or cease to reappear at a later time.
It is important to remember that the only way children have of expressing their emotions is their own behavior. Anger, jealousy or regressions should not be considered as manifestations made on purpose to annoy; on the contrary, it is necessary to understand that they are nothing more than an expression of the suffering experienced and of the fear of no longer being loved and appreciated as they once were. The correct educational method should therefore be based on to affection, understanding and reassurance, while emphasizing and correcting inappropriate behavior.

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