Daniel Lumera on retroactive jealousy: “An emotional phenomenon that generates dispersion of energy and that reigns the only thing on which we cannot have control: the past of our partner”

“There is nothing less than he realizes, but that influences the present more, like the past.” Is convinced Daniel Lumeranaturalist biologist and well -being expert of the soul and body, to the point that he could not be one of the key topics of his latest book I let you gopublished by Mondadori and just released in bookstores.

Leave to go: a thought, a person, a conviction, a way of behaving, a belief … «I realize that it is one of the most difficult things in the world, but remain attached to something that is no longer, is not productive, it requires us a use of energy, which could be used in creating something new or learning to love ourselves, through the flowing life ». Lumera always has the ability to explain in a simple way concepts that are not apparently. Today they are on the phone with him to learn more How the past can affect the present of a relationship through retroactive jealousy and how important it is Let something go in which we still did not exist and on which we have no power.

“” But when did you get sex with your ex like you liked? Did you like it very much? Did you like it more than with me? “: They get your hand those who at least once heard these questions or who asked them in turn. Everything is fine, but at a certain point the insecurity, the fear of losing the other, the desire to be approved, make these questions askthat in cold mind, if well understood, they don’t make much sense: who was there before you, has been, passed; but His ghost insinuates to you, causing disagreements and discussions, sometimes based on nothing».

Can this question really arise out of nowhere?
«Let’s try to be objective: Today there has been a resurgence in the phenomenon of retroactive jealousy, due to social media. Anyone can have access to the past of anyone independently, with a single click: make “doomscrolling”that is to continue flowing the profile of the other in search of the stain, error, guilt, It is now a toxic habit for many people. Or go and notice in the images of the past how much the larger was smile when he was with the ex, compared to now that he is with you. A useless comparison takes place, which does nothing but feed the insecurities in a paranoid waygiving them empty calories, like the past, which in the present, if managed badly, causes only useless suffering ».

What can this retroactive jealousy be caused, therefore?
“Potentially everything can trigger this type of jealousyand jealousy in general: a stupid joke on his past, a smile to the former encountered by chance at the supermarket, even a message sent in socially recognized circumstances as necessary, such as condolences in case of mourning. If the partner has not yet worked on his dynamics of attachment, insecurity or on his inner wounds, he will develop a sense of possession, exclusively, fueling the drama of control, who wants to exercise domination at all costs. But The other person is not ours, only one thing is really ours: our essence, And on that we can and we have to work ».

And how do you enhance your essence?
“We have not yet understood how our mind works, We have been educated to outsource, as if everything depended on one other entity on us. But in reality The only real change is triggered when we begin to look within ourselves: if we become aware that All we observe outside of us is the result of an illusion, of a projection of our thoughts, of our beliefs, of the schemes that we carry inside, then the only way we have to beat, is that of Observe inside: which awareness do they live in? What spiritual poverty do we carry behind?».

And in practice, with which tools can an inner research and healing work be started?
«I don’t have a universal recipe, but of course, you can start with regulate the use of social networksmake a wise and conscious use: when the impulse of going in search of clues to guilt on the profile of the other, wonders if really that thing has a beneficial effect on us and on the relationship. Then, observe yourself when the need to control arrives: on a physical level, this induces physical tension. Watch, listen to you: how does it make you feel? Well, bad? Where does this need come from? What feeds it? Until you understand how the process happens, you cannot get rid of it. To feel better, then, You can start a path of meditative and conscious practices, which report quality in the present moment, giving way to learn to manage emotions. And then, I find the practices of “conscious madness” powerful».

Do you want to explain what this conscious madness consists of?
“Every day enter your routine small acts, small gestures of “madness”, things that you would never do, to do alone, that take you out of your control, Also for a very short period of time, even for 30 seconds. Do something that brings you to an uncontrollable flow, in which you have no choice but to let yourself go, so as to make you understand things that you actually do not know at all, still unexplored resources. Send that unconditional love message, dance in the middle of the bar that song you hear from the radio, smile at a stranger on the metro … Instead of exercising control over others, get rid of the control that unconsciously act on yourself».

“Side effects” of all this?
“The most” dangerous “of all: to start seeing the other for how it really is and not for how we “imagine” it. Now I will say an uncomfortable truth: The falling in love is nothing more than the result of an illusion. We don’t fall in love with the person, but of what makes us feel, So we are still still at the sensations, demanding that it makes us feel like this forever. But there is no more revolutionary and powerful act than bless his past and thank him: If today is that man or that woman, who you want every day next to you, is also and above all thanks to everything that has been and that today is obviously no longer, since he chooses to be with you. Work on you, in the present moment. And choose every moment, here and now. Because now it is always».