Did you know that when a couple goes into crisis it can be the fault of phenylethylamine?

And to think that it had started so well: practically love at first sight. At first you couldn’t get away from each other, and you had all those plans for the future… and then what? If you’re still wondering what went wrong with your latest relationships – or if it’s finally going to last this time around – there’s one important news you should keep in mind: it wasn’t your fault. Or not entirely, at least.
To begin with, it happens to everyone. The average duration of couple relationships varies according to age and social context, but in most cases it is around four years. Beyond this period relationships exist only between two types of couples. One is the one who is together only out of habit without the partners feeling a real mutual interest; the other one the one who, on the other hand, consciously undertakes to nourish and make her love grow until it becomes indestructible.

For all the others the hourglass begins to flow at the moment of the first kiss and tends to run out sooner than we would like, until in one way or another we find ourselves “burst” in all senses. The reason is almost all in the chemistry – or rather in a specific molecule called phenylethylamine, or with its acronym PEA.
Its operation is so shocking that it has long been thought of as a half-urban legend, but after forty years of scientific confirmation there are few doubts left: falling in love comes from there.
Euphoria, sexual arousal, lack of appetite, insomnia, difficulty in correctly assessing the risks … The classic symptoms of love at first sight are “coincidentally” the same as the effects of amphetamines, that is the family of molecules to which PEA belongs. The butterflies in the stomach, in short, do not depend on having found a soul mate but on being, for all intents and purposes, stoned.

As the book by Larry Young and Brian Alexander tells The chemistry of love, this strange mechanism has an evolutionary purpose, as it prompts the new couple to have a lot of sex and thus increase the likelihood of producing offspring. For the same reason though the production of phenylethylamine decreases until it runs out over a period of three to four years: at that point in fact the children should have arrived by now, so to protect them and raise them better it is good that the parents stop being focused on themselves.
If you are not aware of this phenomenon it’s easy to mistake the end of the trip for the end of love, which instead is a whole other thing based on the commitment to create well-being and positive emotions for oneself and the partner.
To deepen the subject we interviewed Fabrizio Quattrini, psychotherapist, sexologist and lecturer at the University of L’Aquila and Unicusano.

Let’s start with the fundamental question: given the doubts that have long accompanied PEA research, how reliable is its role in falling in love?
“The scientific researches that highlight the importance of phenylethylamine and other neurhormones (dopamine and noradrenaline) in the phase of falling in love are reliable and, more importantly, allowed to give a biochemical meaning to some important behaviors and dynamics. However, several scientists have also clarified that you cannot “activate the passion” by taking PEA, because in the long run it risks even giving the opposite effect. This has been known since 1983, when Liebowitz studied the so-called “love patients”, who despite having high doses of PEA stimulated by MAOIs (Mono Amino Oxidase Inhibitors) in circulation experience much less intense emotions than those who lead intimate relationships. happy sex and enjoy the phenylethylamine naturally produced by the body ».

In any case, chemically speaking, what does the “love at first sight” depend on?
«From a biochemical point of view it is the result of the chain production of some important neurormones: dopamine, noradrenaline and phenylethylamine, oxytocin, vasopressin and endorphins – together they trigger a sudden and uncontrollable euphoria. Let’s see them one by one:
the dopamine mediates pleasure in the brain of individuals through the regulation of external stimuli associated with motivation and reward;
the Noradrenaline it allows to “focus” the sensation of pleasure;
the Phenylethylamine it is the neurormone par excellence of sexual “dysregulation”, which allows both addiction and dependence;
l’Oxytocin activates the empathic dimension between partners. It is often described as “trust” neurormone, and together with Vasopressin it would seem to determine the level of “stability” in the couple;
the Endorphins they are simply defined as the neurormones of “happiness” ».

What if he had to give a psychologist’s answer?
«The neuroendocrine and biochemical dimension is fundamental to explain the genesis of falling in love. In my opinion, however, we must keep in mind many other psychological, emotional and social combinations that, together, promote the experience of pleasure. In the clinical setting it is essential to take a bio-psycho-social approach, and not just neurochemical. It is also useful to remember that many sudden and unplanned experiences in the life of the human being can modify not only behavior, but above all evolution also in neurochemistry. Traumas – and I do not mean only the more complex dimension of abuse, but also misunderstandings of behaviors experienced and suffered in developmental age – could modify the dimension of pleasure in a complex and decisive way. This is why in my opinion it is important to avoid falling into the trap of “right and wrong”. Each individual through his own evolutionary experience has an experience that he must allow himself to represent in full freedom in respect for himself and for the other who is different from himself! In sexuality this aspect is unfortunately very complex, but not so impossible to change. Emphasizing education and eliminating ignorance are two important and necessary elements in everyone’s experience, always! “

This one is for the therapist instead. Because of PEA or something else, let’s say that the passion in the couple has vanished: what would you suggest we do?
«Passion in the couple is an aspect that unfortunately can undergo various fluctuations over time. Clearly, as I also suggest to my patients: “being together and feeling good together is one of the most complex conditions of the experience of life. To be able to avoid foolish misunderstandings and unnecessary inconvenience, it is essential to continually renew oneself“. In my opinion, giving the couple the chance to fall in love again is a goal that should be taught from an early age, even at school. Behind the idea of ​​loving renewal it is very important for me to never underestimate the “playful” dimension of pleasure. Let’s learn to play sexuality! ».