Divorce, how to minimize the impact of a separation

Stories of parents trying to be together for the sake of their children. Husband and wife who can no longer talk to each other and need the intermediation of a therapist to help them deal with the divorce. Consumed couples, betrayed, who are crushed by events. Partners who find serenity and dialogue only after the battle in court fought through the words of their lawyers. It could be the film «The Story of a Marriage» directed by Noah Baumbach, but it is just the normality of all those stories that come and go, crossed by a thousand different shades.

The marriage it is the union of two people, but it is also their separation. Marriage is planning, good intentions, it is the balance between sharing and individual needs, the same ones that can wreck everything. The crisis begins when the ego is at the expense of the couple, when the non-acceptance of being only the co-protagonist of the partner’s goal takes over.

Love does not always win and often separation, however poignant it can restore life, can restore meaning, that lost sense of love and its end, dissolving sentimental paralysis.

“A separation that comes when love ends requires the the same attention that, before, was reserved for falling in love and to the project of life built together “, says Marzia Coppola, divorce lawyer of the Bernardini de Pace law firm *. «The reactions of the spouses, like those of the lovers at the beginning of the love story, are made ungovernable by surprise, doubts, inexperience. Joy and love leave room for suffering and uncertainty, but it is important that these, in turn, do not turn into hostility and an opportunity to make war ».

When you decide to separate, even by consensus, the lawyer, whose role often requires you to have the same emotional intelligence as the therapist, is the professional figure who helps you to acquire the right awareness of what you are doing and that, when you feel disoriented, trace the best path to take.

«The divorce lawyer must be a figure who suggests dialogue and trust. He has a great responsibility in the delicate task of clarifying immediately what the rights and duties of the parties, outline the limits beyond which one cannot push oneself and clearly indicate on which aspects one must impose oneself. In addition to having the technical knowledge of the law, he must be a human and supportive figure. Also because, when a marriage ends, there are always many said and unspoken ones and the lawyer becomes their spokesperson, filling the silence of the emotional relationship. Furthermore, being a person external to the couple, the divorce lawyer knows how to see further, can foresee situations which, if not clarified with the right protection, could lead to future quarrels or, perhaps, cause irreparable damage “.

Relying on a lawyer and letting yourself be guided is the first gesture to be put into practice for lighten the management of separation and all the emotional and bureaucratic stress that it entails.

Avoid using children as a shield.
Divorce should not be viewed as a social problem or as an act of selfishness. Often people decide to stay married for the sake of their children, but is this really the case or is it an excuse? “In reality, this choice turns into the emotional chill of the family and the children perceive it and suffer from it. Often to say that you decide not to separate for “the interests of the children” is cowardly rhetoric. Being a parent means having the authentic interest of your children at heart and demonstrating it in practice, ”explains the lawyer Coppola. “Here because the interests and well-being of the children must be defended in a conscious and sincere way. Sometimes it is more right to take a step back so as not to get into a clash with the partner and to give serenity to the children. It is the parents, on the other hand, who can find – with realism and honesty – the best solution for their children. For example, understanding who minors should spend more time with ”.

Don’t give up your dignity.
«Women, especially if betrayed and therefore more wounded, must not lose their dignity and respectability. It is useless to seek revenge and do actions that you are not proud of, they do not solve problems and leave a sad bitterness in the mouth. Instead, it is important to take back the reins of yourself right away, take care of yourself and your feelings with the aim of getting to feel better than before, rediscovering yourself and bringing out the best in yourself. Separation is certainly an occasion for unhappiness but, just as surely, it can turn into an opportunity for education and constructive transformation ».

The power of change. «The separation brings with it a change that must not be experienced as a threat only because it requires to do without the fixed points on which one had built one’s life. The right emotional refuge is never the past, it is the change itself seen as a possibility, as a new beginning».

Second thoughts. They are part of the path, sometimes they happen just when the divorce lawyer begins his counseling because he manages to explain problems and reasons closed in silence and in the difficulty of direct confrontation. “The time between separation and divorce is provided by law precisely to allow people to evaluate and consolidate the choice made. L’Italy is one of the few countries in which this period of time applies, while in most other countries divorce becomes a reality almost immediately ».

* Lawyer Marzia Coppola – [email protected]