You matched on a dating app. You started writing to each other, he seems interesting, stimulating, appetizing… You manage to arrange a first date. Everything seems to be going smoothly, you get along well, a few jokes, a lot of attention. But then in the days after he seems to have lost interest and gradually distances himselfor in the worst case scenario, disappears.
But how? It seemed like everything was fine with him. And yet the script is always the same: beyond the first date you can’t go. «Beyond him, I speak to you women: it may be that you are buffers». To say it is Mary G. Baccaglini, love coach with decades of experience. «I’m speaking at womenbecause in this case they are the majority. While the needy woman it has always existed, the bumper is a fairly recent figure».
Who is the pusher woman? Do you want to give us an identikit?
«The rejecting woman is a woman who he suffered for loveTherefore associates the latter with pain, as if it were an automatism. That doesn’t mean you don’t seek it, but he’s terrified of it, convinced that love ultimately takes something away from her. For this woman the other person is a desire, but also and above all a danger».
And why did it become repellent?
«The underlying reason is that does not have good self-esteem. She suffered, something happened to her that she never wanted, but instead of understanding all this, of transforming it into self-love, she began to blaming the other or oneself».
And what does this lead to?
«To build many limiting beliefs, like “I will never date anyone”, “I am destined to suffer for love”, “Everyone always leaves me”… He is afraid that the past will returnand being afraid of it, makes sure that it happens again.”
How a woman is repelling
We asked the expert attitudes with which a woman can act as a buffer. He has listed them below.
During the date he lets it slip generalizing considerations, like “Imagine if you’ve never cheated!”, or when she talks to her friends, she usually says: “Men are all assholes, unfaithful, immature…”. It is a mechanism of self defencebut which also makes it victim of the jamming mechanism.
Since he livesmore like a threatwithout doing it on purpose, for the entire appointment yes focus on what she doesn’t like about himbecause in this way he seeks confirmation of his weaknesses, so that he can have an excuse readyif it doesn’t go through.
Sarcasm is not irony. Are those jokes used to belittle, which only entertain those who say them, and never those who receive them. In this way, they make her feel superior, but she loses the interlocutor’s respect.
He wants love, but says he doesn’t need it. She is always perfect, always strong, always on point. He displays his CV as if he were at a job interview, to show that he has a good position. This is certainly the case, but lowering your defenses and simply being who you are increases the degree of authenticity and complicity. Why emotional connection is created with vulnerability and not with perfection.
5. He always (re)lives his fears. Limiting beliefs are self-fulfilling prophecies: if I believe that no man will ever choose me, I will start to act in such a way as not to be chosen. As? With intrusive questions, with vitriolic jokes, closing myself with folded arms…
He knows them all by heart and looks for them in him, or rather provokes them. She has no idea how she can be conquered, but complains if the other doesn’t do certain things that she expects. As a man always loses.
Catholic Match, the dating app for Catholic singles, arrives
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Source: Vanity Fair
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