Erotic fantasies and more: here’s what to talk about to keep the couple steady

There are things that you would not confess to anyone, not even your most trusted friend, not even your partner … Stop, mistake. To the partner you should. Yes, you read that correctly. You wish to experience one threesome, the pissing, or would you just like to do it in front of the window? Well, talk to your partner about it. You don’t necessarily have to take action – good sex always requires consent from all participants – but already sharing erotic fantasies helps to increase desire and complicity.

Scientific research is clear: couples who discuss “difficult” sexual topics have 10 times more likely to have a happy relationship. But often sex is a subject that challenges even the most open-minded and most eloquent person on the face of the earth. Because it is not easy to get naked, revealing your desires, but also to explain to him that his cunnilingus is not effective, indeed it is even annoying!

Sex is the most natural thing that exists, we are animals and we are guided by instinct, by carnality. But we are also the only species that mates to seek pleasure for its own sake, not just to procreate, so if after so much sex together he still hasn’t figured out how to stimulate your clitoris or that the tongue on his nipples bothers you, maybe it is the case to talk about it. Sex may not be all in a couple, but it will good sex is a great starting point for being a happy couple.

Talking about sex not only solves these problems, it reassures us, deepens mutual trust and makes us feel ‘normal’. And then, it creates desire, tickles and, most important of all, prevents us from sliding into the dangerously boring sexual stasis, from which some couples often fail to emerge.

Get the good habit of often talk about sex – discuss with the other something you read, something someone said to you, criticize the sex you see on the screen, talk about how much you liked the last sex session (or didn’t like it) – and you see the effect it does.

Not sure where to start? Try these conversations, suggested by sexologist Tracey Cox: fundamental dialogues that all couples should have – excellent ideas to start from even for those who are single – but which often remain unexplored … for a lifetime. You can also find them in our gallery.

Gender: Shall we talk about your family and your sex education?

Ideally, we should all have been raised by parents with open, non-judgmental attitudes about sex to give us a healthy foundation to build on. But alas, in most cases it wasn’t like that.

Be bred by strict and extremely conservative parents who were embarrassed by sex (or were afraid of it) leaves a lasting impact. If you’ve always been told that sex was bad or dirty or something to be punished for, you’re unlikely to become an adventurous and fun lover (without actively challenging those beliefs).

To truly understand your partner sexually, you need to know what their partner is based on belief system. Start here: Ask how his childhood was, what his parents told him about sex, what kind of messages he received about sex from his upbringing, is he religious, what were his first experiences with masturbation, when did he lost your virginity, if it was a good experience … Do each other, answer with sincerity, if you like, of course.

How is your libido at “rest”?

Mismatched libidos can cause big problems for couples – there is a lot you can do to make things right, but if you want to make your life easier, choose someone who wants to have sex as often as you want. This is more difficult than it seems because our sexual desire is “doped” at the beginning: it loves novelty and our body and brain are flooded with love and sex hormones when we first meet, so also the laziest libido stands at attention during the so-called “honeymoon” period. Any desire discrepancy usually emerges between nine months and a year after starting sex.

Our sexual desire is determined by many factorsStress levels and lifestyle choices (too much alcohol, smoking, some medications) to name but two. But there is also a strong point genetic link: If your mom or dad loved sex, chances are you will too!

The “Libido at rest” is how often we generally desire sex in a relationship once the initial euphoria has passed. Good things to ask, in the “hungry” phase: «It was great! Are you always so enthusiastic? ». If he answers: «Yes! I have a strong sexual desire », you have your answer. If it says something like, “Not really, but you turn me on so much” it could mean that its ideal frequency will be lower once you get used to it.

What are your sexual limits?

We all have one “Sexual personality” which determines how adventurous we are in bed. For some people, sex is about romance and intimacy – eye contact and connection triumph. For others, novelty and new stimulation are what drives them sexually. They are ready for all kinds of erotic experiences and routine is the enemy. Of course, it’s helpful to know all of this before falling in love and making a commitment.

Good Things to Ask: When you’re at the stage where it’s obvious you’re going to start having sex, ask what her idea of ​​good sex is. Do you play endlessly in the bedroom, with five different positions to experiment with? Or take a bath together, then move to the bedroom for lots of stroking and foreplay? If your partner seems horrified at having to discuss sex, you can safely assume that he is a conservative lover.

Once the couple is established, talk about what they can be the “maybe” and which the absolute “no-no”. How do you both feel sharing fantasies, using sex toys, bandages, ropes, spanking, or watching porn together? If you flag them all, you could begin to explore the hottest topics (anal sex, threesome, private club, swingers …).

The more comfortable you are, the more open you can be. It is also true that the longer you are together, the more likely problems are to surface. That is why the next point is imperative.

Talk about what you like and don’t like

Every single person has their own sexual likes and dislikes – what sent one lover into ecstatic spasms of pleasure will leave another cold. True, you can sense what works and what doesn’t by reading your partner’s body language, but by far the best way to communicate your sexual needs is to talk about it together. Fear of offending or upsetting your partner is usually what prevents people from telling each other what works and what doesn’t. Do it with sensitivity and tact and this will not happen.

Good Things to Ask: Get in the habit of asking for feedback in advance. Say, “What can I do to make you feel even better?” or “Put your hand on mine to show me how to do well.” If you want to change something your partner does, tell him, “I’d love it if you were more intense” rather than “I hate it when you do it”.

Admit the “thing” you need to orgasm

Take it one step further and confess your deepest and darkest desires, quirks and quirks and you will move your sex life from “good” to “spectacular”. Your “thing” could be a sexual desire – like foot fetish or latex – or it could be that you like being fingered (anal or vaginal) during oral sex to push yourself over the edge. Discover each other and you will be ready for REALLY satisfying erotic encounters.

Good things to ask: What would you like to try with me that we haven’t already done? What is your favorite sexual fantasy? What turns you on if you’re on the verge of orgasm? What can I do to make it the best you’ve ever had?

Confess the sexual trauma of the past

Any trauma leaves a mental scar and it is true that we tend to dump the bad things that have happened to us on those who love us the most. But often it’s not until we fully trust someone that we feel safe sharing our secrets.

Sexual trauma can affect people in different ways. If your partner has extreme or confused reactions to sex or some aspects of it, they may have suffered a trauma that they did not confess.

Good things to ask: Wait until you’ve built a good level of trust and then say, “I’ve noticed that when we do X, you look uncomfortable. Is there a reason for this? I want you to know that you can trust me totally and talk about anything that may have happened to you in the past ”.

Speak up if you feel stuck

Couples who communicate well about sex can also get stuck in a vicious circle. Once you know that doing it doggy style triggers your partner’s orgasm, it can quickly become your go-to position.

Most couples have sex exactly the same way every time they have sex. Some people like to know they are coming, but our bodies quickly become desensitized if they are treated constantly with the same stimulation. If you don’t enjoy your sex sessions as much as you used to, you will eventually start avoiding them.

Good things to say: “I love our sex and I want to make sure it stays good. Do you think we could try some new things? ”. Dive into a good sex book for inspiration or do some online surveys.

Try to change one thing every time you have sex. A different room, a different order of things to do, a different location. Facing the opposite end of the bed also helps!

Check every three months

Our tastes change, our bodies change: what worked last month may not work now. Make a list of new things you can do together to keep things “hot” and add them to the menu. Keep a couple’s notebook. Don’t forget to lavish each other with sexual compliments and share constructive and sensitive feedback. Being told that you are a great lover is a huge incentive to continue being one!