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First Covid, then the war. How to help our frightened children

First Covid, then the war. For two and a half years now, major life changes have been imposed on children. The little ones found themselves having to deal with anxiety that led them to ask their parents questions they had never asked before: “Will Papa go to war?”, “Will the soldiers enter our courtyard?”, “Will a bomb hit our house?” Mothers and fathers, but also teachers and educators play an important role: they can help children, who do not have cognitive and geo-location skills available, to feel safe and protected in any case.

To offer them a broad and comprehensive picture of how to deal with the subject, he came out “War. The words to say it “an essay published by Erickson that collected the original contributions on the subject of many of his precious authors: Alberto Pellai, Stefano Vicari, Daniela Lucangeli and Dario Ianes (as well as an exclusive introductory interview with Liliana Segre).

We talked about it with one of them, Alberto Pellai, doctor and psychotherapist of the developmental agewho edited the chapter «A frightened child: talking about the war in the 0-10 range».

How have children changed in these two and a half years?
“They have learned what they should never learn: that the world is not a place to feel safe and secure. They perceive that the “outside” can be threatening, that the world can make us sick, it can kill. In this phase, their balance between the need for protection and exploration has been strongly skewed towards that of protection. But children need to perceive that security which then facilitates the exploratory process: they have to go into the unknown to gain experiences and get to know pieces of the world. When the child feels safer in his comfort zone and gives up exploration, his growth path is blocked ».

What is the role of the adult?
«The adult has a fundamental function: everything that happens to the child” outside “is filtered by his relationship with the parent. The world is threatening if the adult lives it and describes it as such. We must therefore pay attention to comments such as: “It is dangerous”, “We are not safe”. But also to the facial expressions and comments that we let slip by talking to other adults. It is the parent who must provide the child with the skills of reassurance that the child cannot give himself alone “.

Even at the cost of keeping silent about some truth?
“It is not the case to deny the war in progress, but it is good to underline that we live in an area where the children who were under the bombs are also protected, and who have now been welcomed into our nation and our cities. In this way, the child perceives that war is terrible, but also that it does not represent, here and now, for him, a threat ».

It is a war that has been going on for a long time. Do children have to keep talking about it or is it better to try to divert their attention?
«It is not necessary to speak in depth to the little ones about everything that makes us feel in danger: if it does not represent a real threat, it is better not to stress. If, as far as Covid is concerned, it was inevitable to talk about it, here there is no urgency to do so “.

But isn’t there a risk of losing interest in war?
«No: one can also be interested in war by talking about the construction of peace, the experiences of integration and acceptance of children who have come to Italy. These are arguments that have value and power when dealing with the theme of war ».

And when, for example at dinner time, the news broadcasts bloody images of war, how can they be commented on?
«The news tells a truth that is not suitable for children, and represents the worst part of the world. The little one cannot resort to abstract thinking: he experiences threats as if they were everywhere. When children see certain images, it is useful to reassure them, without denying what the TV is saying. Then we should try to understand if we really need to have as a companion, during family meals, the news, which often offers the worst stories, the desperation of the people who have lost their families, the destroyed houses. These are truths that are not so necessary for children.

This war also has economic consequences of this war. How to tell them the truth, if they ask us for explanations, without making them worry too much?
“If you have to make sacrifices in the family because you are going through a difficult time economically, it is good for the children to know: it is very important to make them feel that the family is a team, because in this way the dimension of strength and resilience is transmitted familiar. Obviously, as adults, we must remain a secure base: we must always explain to the children that we will succeed, even at the cost of sacrifices ».

How can we transmit tranquility when we are the first to be calm?
“Even before Covid, many adults faced life in an anxious way. There are objectively protective and other anxieties that turn a frightened parent into a frightening parent, and the child’s need for protection nullifies the need for exploration. The parent who is prey to unhealthy anxiety should work on it, also to ensure a good balance for the child ».

Other stories of Vanity Fair that might interest you:

«Obsessed with likes already at 10», the alarm of the specialists

Squid Game: what to do if your child is obsessed

Source: Vanity Fair

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