Friends 4ever (more or less): when friendships change

You know when you recognize a person in the crowd and with a simple eye contact you can enclose a secret world made of confidences, understandings, and affection? It is a parallel reality that no one is aware of except you two. I feel like that when I think of my best friend, and it’s not that different from a love story. For the first time you perceive a particular understanding that differs from all the others and a little bit you feel that you have found your soul mate.

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It can happen in kindergarten, sixth grade or high school, but when we meet her we feel that time together is never wasted, we understand each other on the fly, we make the same jokes, we know that before going out on Friday night it will be the first we will call and vice versa. On something you are different, of course, but your differences never get in the way of what you have in common: somehow you and that person have chosen among all of them and you struggle to imagine a possible reality without your friendship.

But one thing no one has ever told us is that growing up we don’t stay in a fixed shape: our mind evolves, discovers new truths, makes us undertake a path that was unthinkable until a few years before, and every step we take adds an extra piece. Same goes for that person. What happens when the path is not the same? As you get to know yourself better, you can often realize that what put you in a good mood once upon a time is not enough today: you have other needs and you want to satisfy them. This perhaps leads you to look elsewhere, compare yourself with other people, listen to different opinions. And that person? Is she still the first one you call?

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The least pleasant thing about changes is that they are not always painless: any awareness we acquire about us risks making us forget what we have been, sometimes we are ashamed of it, and at worst we want to get rid of it. Our historical friendship will in turn be living its own personal path, discovering new sides of itself, and each journey is personal and different from the other. At best you are growing together: through ups and downs, your worlds manage to move hand in hand, and every change is just the beginning of a new chapter to tackle together. But in the worst case your roads are not only different, but they create dangerous curves that risk a frontal crash: you have other interests, your thoughts focus on new perspectives that not only have little in common but struggle to communicate with each other.

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The question arises despite the best of intentions: How much do you still have to give to each other? Maybe you have met new people, closer to who you are becoming, able to better understand your needs and welcome you. The crash occurs when your historical friendship, which you thought nothing and nothing in the world could ever tilt, has nothing more to add to the respective days. It is one of several discoveries that we may encounter as we grow up, and it always carries a good dose of melancholy. Or in other cases, between black and white, there are those nuances that we always forget to contemplate: with or without a crash, interests in common or not, take note of your change and recognize that both of you are no longer the people you used to be. Make new friends, welcome news and additions in your life that do not make you the first thought of the other in front of every difficulty: recognize the respective limits, do not blame them but you know how to accept them as a sign of the time that passes and transforms you.

The thread that binds you is confused in the crowd, joining your world to that of many others, but it does not separate you. An eye contact will be enough to remember it.