Gestation for others: story of two newborn parents (and who from today would be criminally punishable)

Here it is, the story of one of many Rainbow Families of our country. Michele is from 1982, like me. We went to school together when we were little. We were neighbors, too, and friends. Like me, over the years he fell in love, got married, and like me had a little girl. It happened a few weeks ago, in fact. Her name is Silvia, and she was born in Oregonin the United States. Because, unlike what happened to me, for Michele and her husband that was the only chance to become parents. Flying to the other side of the world, and taking a very long and not always easy journey di GPA («Gestation For Others», better known as «Surrogacy») where the law allows it. Not in Italy, obviously, where among other things Michele and his partner would now be criminally punishable after that In the Senate, despite the protests, the Varchi bill passed, making this practice a “Universal Crime”. It means, in simple words, that not only is it a crime for those who carry it out in Italy (it was already like that), but also for those who carry it out abroad, where it is legal. A crime punishable with sentences of up to two years in prison and fines of up to one million euros. If today Michele, Gianluca and Silvia, who are already a family, do not risk anything, it is only because the law, as we know, is not retroactive.

A «legal monstrosity»Michele defines it (and he is not the only one), who in the meantime has become part of the board of directors Rainbow Families while he is still in Oregon with his daughter, waiting to complete all the necessary documents to return to Italy. “Torture and slavery are not considered universal crimes in Italy, and this is,” he says.

Let’s start from the beginning: when did you decide to become parents?
«Gianluca and I have been together for ten years, and we got together civilly five years ago. Even before we got married we had the idea of ​​having a child, and we were starting to find out about it. At the beginning it seemed very difficult, almost impossible: for us it was revealing to read the experiences of other couples of fathers. There we understood that it was doable.”

The only way to do it was GPA abroad, right?
«Let’s start by saying that if we could have adopted we would have done so, but we are not allowed to. When in 2016 they approved the Cirinnà law and finally removed stepchild adoption, the possibility of adopting a spouse’s offspring, they promised that an adoption reform would soon be made, but we are all still waiting. I think this is the litmus test for all those who say that the problem is not homophobia: if the point is the GPA and not gay parenting, then allow me to adopt.”

So you looked abroad: how does it work?
«It depends on the places. The two main countries for Italian couples have always been the USA and Canada, although there are also European countries where it is legal, from Greece to Portugal, UK, Cyprus, up to the very recent Ireland. In the United States it has been a practice that has been regulated for decades, and I must say very well too: there are many controls that ensure that there is no exploitation.”

Meaning what?
«Those who choose to carry out pregnancy for others must have some prerequisites, for example, which vary from state to state. He must have his own children, an income, a job, a stable economic situation, so that we can be sure that he is not doing it out of necessity. But in reality the issue is completely different, it is a cultural issue.”

In what sense?
«When you talk to American pregnant women, and explain to them that this practice is illegal here, they look at you as if you came from the Moon. Here it is a practice that has existed for decades, and is considered an ethical, supportive and altruistic choice. The agencies that do this are often a sort of cooperative, in which ex-pregnant women organize themselves and make sure that no one on this journey is left alone. We too had many interlocutors: the clinic, the legal side, as well as our pregnant woman. And we have never felt judged by anyone, it is completely normal here. In the hospital, a nurse welcomed us by telling us that she had already been a pregnant woman four times.”

How is the choice of the pregnant woman made?
«In the narrative that one imagines, it often seems that you go to buy a child from a woman from whom he is taken away. In reality, they choose you. You prepare a presentation that is shown to prospective pregnant women, and they choose you. Then you get to know each other and she has the final say.”

How did the months of pregnancy go?
«At the beginning there was a minimum of embarrassment, but it was easy to connect. We spoke to each other every day via WhatsApp, and every Tuesday evening we made a call on Skype. She also organized a nice gender reveal game for us, it was all very beautiful and intense. The beautiful thing was that she had the enormous support of her entire family: a husband, four children, a dog, a cat. The typical American family. And then there were her friends, and lots of people who took action to find us second-hand things, from bodysuits to strollers.”

Now Silvia is the daughter of only one of you, legally. When you return to Italy how will it work?
«The other father will have to do an “adoption in special cases”. You have to go a long way to adopt your daughter from day one, because she lives with you, you put her to sleep, you gave her milk and changed her diapers. Social workers, who are busy dealing with problematic situations, have to waste time following cases like ours.”

And in the meantime?
“Meanwhile the other parent has no rights. But the problem is that he doesn’t even have any duty: if he decides to leave, taking the money and leaving the child, for example, he cannot be accused of child abandonment. Or if he passes away, the child does not inherit. This is what we have been trying to say for some time, with Famiglie Arcobaleno: it is the minor who must be protected, not just the parents.”

Are there many cases of Rainbow Families in Italy?
«There are those who talk about one hundred thousand families, but the truth is that we only see the numbers of members of the associations, we don’t have the overall picture of the situation. The fact is, however, that there are, and there are many. But above all there are many children. The point is not to ask those who govern whether they agree or not. The point is to give rights to everyone: if you don’t recognize those children, you are deciding that some children in Italy have fewer rights than others.”

In your opinion, why is the topic still so hindered?
«There is a very strong segment of the electorate that lives on these things here, the whole world of Family Day, for example. And another part of the electorate doesn’t consider it their problem. The problem is that rainbow families are a coming out living, it’s the gays who flaunt every day. They are families who live in daily normality, exactly as their traditional family model does, and this is what is annoying. But the statistics say that Italian society is ahead of politics on this issue, and it is no coincidence that politics is now forced to take steps forward.”

Except for the Varchi law, however. Have you thought about the fact that Silvia might encounter obstacles, as the daughter of two fathers?
«When you bring a child into the world you necessarily have to ask yourself the problem of guaranteeing him the happiest and most peaceful life possible, so yes, we asked ourselves all the relevant questions. But if we gave in to this we would have to give in to the fact that society is not ready: to be ready, it has to get used to the idea, and we want to be a part of that journey. Together with Silvia, to whom we want to give the tools, the knowledge to be able to explain it and help understand. We will never hide anything from her, and we will strive to build a healthy environment around her, full of good relationships, capable of telling everyone who will have to deal with her the whole truth. But it is full of rainbow families who face small and large discriminations every day, often more linked to bureaucracy than to society: fortunately Italy is a beautiful reality, with teachers and welcoming and inclusive schools, and above all girls and boys who they have no superstructure to judge: for them, all this makes no difference.”