Have you ever regretted confessing to cheating?

Hello everyone,

How are you? From the liveliness of the letters that arrive in the bedroom Segrets it seems pretty good to me despite all the doubts and secrets bubbling beneath the surface of our daily lives. In this space I am increasingly liking the climate of serene discussion and sometimes support that arises after each appointment. For example, this friend wrote to us about the last episode (here) with that beautiful tone of someone who wants to give only her personal experience without advice, warnings or anathemas: “Hi, I read about doubts about motherhood. I had the same doubt whether to keep it or not and in the end I didn’t keep it. I feel like I chose for myself, and that’s okay, I wouldn’t have been okay.” Thank you dear friend. You were right to choose for yourself what would have made you happy. It’s nice to have confidence in the rightness of one’s own and others’ choices without the issue of mass evaluation dominating the individual. Self-determination, the expression of positive human freedom, is a fundamental principle of independence. AND in Pride month it is always good to bring us back to the center of personal and personality rights, those fundamental characteristics of personal dignity and integrity, right to physical and thought freedom, to communication, to confidentiality which allow full development in society. As always, today’s stories have the theme of the Secret in common: on the one hand we have the consequences of having discovered the cards in the game, on the other the consequences of continuing to “cheat” by playing in the dark. Which of these two versions do you find yourself in? I await your answers in our space, writing here, in the anonymous room red like rubies.

Enjoy the reading

Elena

Hi Elena, what great answers you always give! I wanted to compliment you but also ask you if you have ever regretted revealing your secret, because for example I regretted revealing mine. Years ago I cheated on my boyfriend with a friend, and I did the stupid thing to reveal it, out of anger, in a boring moment in our relationship. I was frustrated and that secret, which I had so jealously guarded, came out. Now everything is up in the air, because things were already not working out, now what was a forgotten pebble is becoming a boulder that I can no longer move, he makes me weigh it every five seconds and I’m getting more and more fed up. If only I hadn’t said anything… I know you will console me for this I am writing to you, you will surely be more delicate than my friends who turned me upside down…

Dearest, thank you for the compliments. With respect to your question: ABSOLUTELY NO, zero regrets, indeed after having experienced this first year of freedom, of cleansing from relationships polluted by the old “dishonest” version of myself, however necessary it was for me, I can tell you that I have never been so peaceful in my life. The toxic shame I had of myself made me mistake, as Annalisa says, flashes for gold, I had no self-esteem and I was always looking for an “affective” den in which to hide. So I looked for confirmation from the wrong friends, the wrong loves, the wrong situations whose consequences were always demeaning. Today I am in good shape, I know what I am worth, I have healthy desires, I choose for myself, I win and lose with dignity, off the carousel of exaltation and self-pity. I’m fine and happy. But let’s get to you. When it comes to bed betrayal you know that in this column we don’t throw stones at anyone, on the contrary, you are excellent company. We have heard everything on the subject: those who have cheated occasionally and live in repentance, those who make it a competitive sport, those who collect lovers and those who are collected, those who instead count betrayal among the fundamental tools for keeping a marriage alive. Obviously no one comes down from the mountain of soap and we know well that betrayal causes pain to those who suffer it. You wanted it and you enjoyed it, the rest are more or less dirty rags to be washed somehow. Now from your story it almost seems to me that this secret of the escapade was first kept not so much out of love or repentance, but more like a golden arrow to one’s bow of which the other knows nothing, a comparative “bed experience” compared to to a ménage that had stopped trotting. In other words, with you I limped so much that I had to ride with someone else to remember how to run… and to be honest I still run amazing! There is no right or wrong, you did what you felt like doing. However, you need to understand what goal you set yourself when you decided to reveal something so painfully indigestible to your boyfriend. Did you want a self-conscious reaction to “now I’m going to make you the best-ridden woman in the world?” It didn’t happen. Or an apology for neglecting you? A promise of new commitment or the certainty of joy as a couple? I don’t think this happened either. If you want, ask, if you don’t find what you’re looking for, you’re obviously exploring in the wrong place. And if you stay where they hurt you, you are complicit in the pain they caused you. On the other hand, if you are looking for the warmth of hot bread you won’t find it by rummaging through a freezer. Sometimes we simply have to acknowledge, without too many justifications, that we have made a wrong choice. You can’t go back, but you can try to change the mind of someone who has lost respect or trust in you, as long as the other person is available. Unfortunately this is the trap of betrayal, we can make amends and ask for forgiveness, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that it will be granted. To measure the heart of another so deeply there is the risk of finding what you don’t want, the bottom. Consolation is the experience we have left for the future, which who knows could become a treasure one day. And that’s what I wish you, dear friend, to imagine how to turn this story into gold.
With love.
Elena

Everyone thinks we are wealthy, in reality we are full of debt… Our business doesn’t allow us to live peacefully, we thought that the crisis would pass as we went forward… we invested all our savings, sold gold, but we can’t do it. Mine is a very well-known family in the village. My father was an entrepreneur who started from scratch and built a solid wealth for the family. I am now losing everything he left me. It’s difficult to lead a double life. I’m so ashamed and I don’t know how to confess this secret of mine even to my best friends. I have a mortgage that if I were no longer able to pay it would also involve my mother, and this devastates me. I can’t even talk about it with my husband anymore. When I try to bring up the topic of money he “bleaches out” and this makes me even more dismayed because I have no support and I feel alone as hell. Yes, to die for.

Dear friend, thank you for sharing. In the meantime, I am very sorry for your difficult situation which crushes you to the point of making you close this letter with a very heavy sentence, that “Yes, to die for” in which a great request for help explodes. We are here and you are not alone. I hope, with my microscopic contribution, to be useful to you in some way. And I hope to read in the next few days after the publication of your letter, other friends who want to give you their experience on the matter (write here). Your story travels on two very different levels with opposite densities that seem to have merged together, like two incompatible materials that would instead be better to remain separate. On the one hand there is an objective economic problem, a debt, a commercial activity that is no longer working, a real situation made up of numbers, money and accounts that don’t add up. Imagine a sheet of solid glass, like a windshield that at some point after thousands of kilometers splinters and starts to fall apart. This does not depend completely on us, on our guidance, care and attention. The windshield is continuously exposed to stress of all kinds, temperature changes, vibrations, road conditions, wear, pebbles on the asphalt or chance. Thus, businesses also live in a constantly evolving market, targeted by changes and economic, political and personal shocks. It is well known that businesses from 30 years ago may no longer work today. I remember my uncle who had a thriving business producing technical instruments for ambulances in the 1980s, but which, entering the new millennium with the parameters imposed by the EU, underwent a very strong downsizing, to put it mildly. Companies can be in difficulty for a thousand reasons and this does not determine the value of those who work there. The sooner the problem is brought to light, the better it can be analysed. You never know where a good idea or the best solution can come from. On the other side of your story, however, there is reputation, more similar in structure to a complex organic fabric of facts and interpretations, opinions or deductions, real or presumed in which we also participate up to a certain point. At least to the point where the reputation we think we have doesn’t threaten real life. I imagine that in a small country, what others think of us can become a hard image to break down. But our identity, together with life, is the most precious thing we have and is worth more than people’s comments. My dignity, are my intrinsic qualities including the courage to face adversity. Not making it is a right, asking for help is a right, living according to real economic means is a duty for my safety and that of my family. Let them hang themselves with their own tongues all those mouths that find the taste of “Schadenfreude” good, as the Germans call the “evil joy” or the “cynical satisfaction” of other people’s misfortune. Break their spell which takes away energy useful for overturning your current situation. You have all the qualities needed to succeed where critics wouldn’t even try. We are with you!
With estimates.
Elena