How do you know when it’s time to move away from a sibling?

With Prince Harry’s accounts of the troubled relationship with his brother, Prince William, in his new memoir “What’s left” (“Spare” in English), you might be wondering if there’s any hope for such a tense relationship.

While strong sibling relationships have been linked to greater health and happiness, sibling estrangement is likely more common than parent-adult schisms, he said. Joshua Coleman psychologist and senior member of the Council on Contemporary Families.

Parents are more motivated to mend these relationships because of their role and the shame and sadness that can come with fighting with a child, Coleman explained.

“For siblings, there’s not the same kind of expectation to stay in touch,” Coleman said. “Siblings don’t have the same kind of role-violation that can produce shame that can serve as a motivator or an impetus for repair.”

Distancing or ending a relationship with a sibling can still feel difficult or shameful, but people who initiate estrangement feel there are benefits, according to Coleman.

“Assuming they have done their due diligence and the (other) sibling remains unable or unwilling to modify or change their behavior, a break in the relationship may be better for mental health than a continuation,” he said.

For cases that aren’t so clear cut, Coleman has guiding principles for knowing when the relationship is worth saving and when it’s best to cut ties.

The conversation has been edited and condensed for clarity.

CNN: What are the most common triggers for sibling estrangement?

Coleman: Typical reasons for sibling fighting or distancing include perceived or objectively different treatment by parents, which may cause a sibling to withdraw because they feel less valued.

A history of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse by a sibling can be traumatizing, especially if they have not made amends or if the injured sibling is not able to forgive.

Sibling rivalries – sometimes sparked by a feeling of jealousy or threat over the other’s success – can also create a barrier.

Sometimes a sibling may start by pulling away from their parents, but if the other sibling doesn’t ally with them or criticize their pulling away, it can produce a feeling of, “Well, you’re either for me or against me.”

CNN: What’s the first step with repeated conflict clashes?

Coleman: You have to do the relationship due diligence in terms of giving people the opportunity to make amends and communicate their needs in a way that actually invites self-reflection and empathy on the other person’s part, rather than more hurt and defensiveness.

You may feel hurt, embarrassed, humiliated, criticized, or belittled by your sibling’s behavior.

I think it’s reasonable, then, to say, “I need you to change this to continue having a relationship with me. I feel my request of you is very reasonable and it is my strong preference that we change the way we communicate. Maybe there are things you want me to work on too. But I’m starting to feel that if this isn’t something you can work to change, then I need to be out of touch for maybe a significant amount of time with you.”

Certainly, someone who is abusive is out of control and requires strong boundaries to counteract their behavior. This doesn’t mean they should never have a chance to mend or reconcile, but only after they’ve demonstrated a willingness to commit to make amends and change.

CNN: When is it worth fixing the relationship?

Coleman: When estranged siblings are seeking reconciliation, typically one person is more motivated to heal than the other and therefore takes a leadership role in repairing the dynamic – just showing empathy, wanting to make amends or taking responsibility, etc.

If the other person is showing genuine empathy and is willing to not be defensive, to commit to change, to respect your boundaries or requirements for a healthy relationship, these really are the key ingredients for any healthy relationship that needs repair. .

CNN: When is cutting ties the best thing to do?

Coleman: I really struggle with this issue because I feel like our culture is very endorsing and very quick to cut ties, so each person has to make that decision for themselves.

When one is contemplating something this important, it requires a certain degree of self-reflection.

Are you very sensitive at all? Are you constantly fantasizing about people in every aspect of your life? Are you accusing everyone of gaslighting you if they don’t agree with your perception of events? Are you just eliminating one more person because you don’t tolerate conflict?

Sometimes taking a break from the relationship can be helpful if you feel too invested in the relationship to be able to separate your own identity from what is triggered.

For some people, some period of distance where they are not constantly triggered or reminded of things about themselves that they don’t like or feel upset about can be helpful.

Assuming you’ve done all the other steps of due diligence, sometimes ending contact for a while can be a good wake-up call for that sibling.

CNN: How much of a grace period or trial period should someone give?

Coleman : No one will be 100% perfect when new limits are set.

The goal is to agree that the new dynamic will be worked together, because maybe the person who is doing the harmful behavior is not aware of it or needs to be educated on an ongoing basis.

Give it at least a few months, during which time you continue to engage and inquire after interactions.

You might say, “I thought it was great. However, I get irritated or upset when you start defending Mom and Dad to me or get competitive with me about something.

CNN: How should people distance themselves or end the relationship?

Coleman: Say, “I feel like I tried to explain to you the issues I see in the relationship and give you an opportunity to respond or work on them. And it seems like you couldn’t or weren’t motivated to, so my desire to spend more time with you diminishes. So for now, I’d like to take a break from the relationship. And I can let you know if or when that changes.”

CNN: How should people distance themselves or end the relationship?

Coleman: Usually, the person who ended the relationship doesn’t feel as much pain as the person who was cut off.

The person who ends things may feel relieved or happy. Not always are all the advantages, however.

Ending the relationship means that we are not only losing touch with the parts we don’t like, but also the parts we like.

There may be a sense of loss or sadness about giving up or acknowledging that the person may not be willing to change.

They may also feel shame and guilt if other family members are upset with them or pressure them to get back in touch.

Remember the effort you put in and that if you’re feeling ashamed of your decision, you’re just adding insult to injury.

You’ve given this person a reasonable amount of time to do due diligence, so this isn’t something you’ve done capriciously or selfishly.

CNN: What if the estrangement causes problems with other family members?

Coleman: Empathize with their pain by firmly stating that you worked hard to get your sibling to respond differently to you, but they were unwilling or unable – so this is not a decision you took lightly.

You can’t just maintain a relationship with your sibling because your parents want you to.