«Let’s help them do it themselves“. So said Maria Montessori, underlining the importance of raising autonomous children and therefore future adults who are safe and capable of facing the difficulties of life.
But, as often happens, theory is one thing and practice is quite another. While it is true that autonomy is the fundamental prerequisite for learning to get by in life, it is also true that for parents, finding the right middle ground between “letting it go” and intervening (or interfering) is not that simple.
How to do? We talked about it with Marina Zanotta, developmental psychotherapist, parenting expert and author of the new “You learn to do it yourself”. Released on 7 September published by Bur Rizzoli, the volume collects many useful ideas, including step-by-step advice and operational tables, for stimulate the autonomy of children and young people, from early childhood to adolescence. «Children must be able to build the tools they need to face the world individually – explains the author – Teaching autonomy means starting to lay the foundations for the construction of these tools ».
The first step? Stop wanting to be performing parents at all costs e learn to let children make mistakes. “The fear of error is part of our society – continues Marina Zanotta – if the child makes a mistake, the parent is led to blame himself, to believe that it is his fault, when in most cases this is not the case and if it is he could still do something to fix it, simply by improving the attention on how the child is taught that particular thing. “
But how understand if the child is really ready to go it alone or if we parents have too high demands? The secret is all in the observation skills. “Every child has his natural abilities: observing their level of personal autonomy and trusting them is fundamental – explains the priscotherapist – We must learn to be confident: if the child is experimenting with something new, he may not succeed the first time, but he will surely have all the tools to do it later. In short, we adults have to play the role of observers and, when the little ones ask us, say helpers, obviously protecting them from possible dangers dictated by their inexperience and therefore fixing some rules».
Sometimes, however, it is the hectic pace of everyday life. A classic situation is that of the child who wants to get dressed alone in the morning when the parents are in a hurry. “We need to find the right compromise and explain it in a simple and clear way to the child – suggests Marina Zanotta -“Are you trying to put your socks on? Let’s make one you put it and the other I put it ‘, for instance. Or again are you trying to get dressed? Let’s do it together so where you can’t, I’ll help you ‘. The important thing is to make the child understand that you are moles days when there are no schedules to be respected, he will be able to train himself to dress in complete tranquility ».
The theme of autonomy is often linked to that of school and in particular the age-old homework issue: one thing, in fact, is provide help to children and young people, always commensurate with their age, and another is to end up doing the tasks assigned for them or to expect them to be performed perfectly.
«Children have to learn to manage and fend for themselves as much as possible – recommends the psychotherapist – Also in this case we adults have to act as spectators and, only when requested, helpers, without ever replacing them. AND It is important for a child to make mistakes when doing homework because only in this way can the teacher realize what she has actually learned or understood. Sending them to school with perfect homework because they were done by their parents would therefore be counterproductive. The same goes for the child who refuses to do homework: if he does not want to do them, there will be no justification from the parent but he will have to unravel the situation himself. Autonomy also means taking responsibility of their decisions in certain environments, including school “.
Another useful tip concerns the sphere of sociality: a mistake that parents often make is that of interfere too much in the relationship between their children and the peer group, a fundamental context for development. «It is necessary to make sure that the kids learn to confront each other, also managing any conflicts – explains Marina Zanotta – The adult must keep an eye from a distance and to intervene only where it is strictly necessary because this allows the child to develop social and relational skills. Often in parents the instinct of protection prevails or perhaps the need for control, however we must think that even children have the tools to get by on their own in certain situations ».
In the gallery above, then, 7 mantras from the book “Learning to do it yourself”, to teach children to become autonomous from parents (and vice versa).
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