Sleeping in bed with parents up to 11 years. To declare having done so, in a recent interview with Sunday Times Magazine, it was Billie Eilish. It is not the first time that the American singer rose to prominence in 2016 with the single Ocean Eyestalks about her personal difficulties: in the past, in fact, she had already declared that she suffered from Tourette’s syndrome, a disorder that causes her tics and uncontrollable movements.
According to his latest revelation, also reported by Glamor UK, Billie Eilish he would then sleep with his parents up at 11 due to anxiety from paralyzing separation that did not allow her to be away from mom and dad and that forced her to wake up in the middle of the night in a panic.
But what kind of consequences can this sort of have co-sleeping to the bitter end? And that’s right allow children to sleep in their parents’ bed even after a certain age?
“Maybe more than questioning myself about the consequences, me I would ask about the causes. We have to make a distinction – he explains Micol Metzinger, psychologist and developmental psychotherapist – In the early months contact with the mother is a necessity for the child. In that case we cannot speak of a vice, understood as a bad habit from which it can be difficult to break away and which must therefore be hindered. Indeed it is a need to which it is important to answer and that, like all children’s needs, if ignored, on the contrary, can generate insecurity. Within the limits of a reasonable age, therefore, I do not think putting the child to sleep in the bed does not involve any kind of problem. Obviously only if both parents agree and respect the basic safety precautions for the little one “.
Sleep actually represents for children a moment of separation from mom and dad and in certain stages of growth it can involve some difficulties.
“The child development is not lineareven with respect to sleep there may be moments of (at least apparent) physiological regression that can be linked to particular stages of development and growth challenges – explains the psychologist – Around 9 months, for example, when the child usually begins to move more in space, a development phase characterized by a particularly marked separation anxiety: the baby at that time may require more contact and may have a harder time falling asleep and sleeping alone. In this case, co-sleeping can be the answer to a specific need for contact which is mostly transitory ».
If, therefore, when children are small, co-sleeping is not a practice to be looked upon with particular suspicion, and often also responds to the need of mum and dad to sleep more hours, a fundamental element for the well-being of the whole family, things can change over the years.
“We can say that already around 2/3 years, and often even earlier, children have strong thrusts of autonomy and separation from caregivers e I am in fact able to sleep alone. If that doesn’t happen it can be helpful questioning about the causes and the meaning of sleeping in the Latvian in that specific context, both on an individual and family level – explains Dr. Metzinger – From the news about Billie Eilish, for example, it is evident that there was a difficulty at the base. In general if a child reaches 11 years of age to sleep with his parents it is because there is probably a fatigue and it may not necessarily be a child’s fatigue alone. It is necessary for parents to ask themselves questions, because different factors can come into play, such as a personal experience related to parenting or the well-being of the couple relationship. We should therefore ask ourselves the significance of sleeping still in the bed, both for the child and for the parents themselves. In fact, the difficulty in separating can be for the child but also for the mother. Not to mention that sometimes the role that the child takes within the couple can be decisive: the habit of letting the child sleep still in the bed, for example, can be a need, even unconscious, of the parent who are comfortable not sleeping with their partner. But children cannot and must not be used, albeit unconsciously, to meet the needs of parents “.
Ultimately, if it represents an isolated case, for example due to a passing physical discomfort or a bad dream, there is no need to worry.
“If it is an exception, I think it does not matter – confirms Dr. Micol Metzinger – if sleeping with mom and dad instead becomes a need beyond a certain age it is good to investigate them causes and intervene in a different way. Not so much looking for practical strategies to get the baby to sleep in her bed, but to get to the origin of the problem and thus be able to solve it“.
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Source: Vanity Fair
