“I wish I had done it”: the 5 biggest regrets before dying

Human beings have a strange way of behaving: they want to do things, then they put them off, put them off, put them off, until they become regrets. These things can be a trip, a phone call, an “I love you” never said, time together that never comes back…
The reasons why these things were never done? Fears, insecurities, lack of desire or time, pride, resentment, indifference…
Until we arrive at that last moment of life in which we will take the real balance of an entire and you will really realize if the life you have lived has lived up to the dreams you had.

Bronnie Ware he saw hundreds of lives extinguished and with them, hundreds of dreams and desires: after many years of frustrating work, this Australian lady found herself without any specific training or experience in the field work in the field of palliative care, assisting terminally ill patients, those who have already been told: “There is nothing left to do.”

His job was to accompany them to their deaths, lightening the burden of care for families (if there were any) and becoming a point of reference for the dying. Thanks to her extraordinary empathy and humanity, Bronnie has become much more: a confidant, a shoulder to whom to entrust those stories full of that truth, which near death becomes more frank and crystalline. This allowed her to collect dozens and dozens of stories, which all had the same lowest common denominator: «I wish I had…” it was the litany with which many lives approached the definitive transition.

This gave her the inspiration to collect these stories and make them become a concentration of lessons drawn from those close to death, to send an important warning to those still alive: living your life consciously and without regrets is the only thing that matters, the compass of an entire existence. Here in 2011 she publishes Wish I Had – Top Five Regrets, bestseller translated all over the world. Because a truly happy life is everyone's aspiration, but how many live following that voice?

“People grow a lot when they are confronted with their own mortality,” Ware says on his online channels. «I have learned to never underestimate the capacity for growth: some changes have been phenomenal. Each of my sufferers experienced a variety of emotions, as expected: denial, fear, anger, remorse, further denial, and finally acceptance. However, every single patient found peace before leaving, every single one of them».

A book that has caused a stir, emotion and also great interest on the part of the scientific community, so much so that it deserves a review in the National Library of Medicine from Beverlee Warren, librarian in the medical library at Baylor University Medical Center in Dallas, Texas. “Regrets are universal, and if we took the time to think about it for a moment, we would probably make similar statements,” Warren writes. «The challenge is to remember those axioms and care enough to change our behavior before we are at the point of death».

But there is also another point which is worth focusing on: «It is a secondary theme the warning against burnout in caregiving. After several years in the profession, Bronnie suffered catastrophic depression. He admits that he has invested too much of his emotions in his patients, neglecting herself and suffering the consequences of abandoning her own needs”, says Warren and adds a personal memory: “In 2008 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I spent the next year undergoing treatment: chemotherapy, surgery, radiotherapy. I saw the sacrifices made by my family through the eyes of the injured man. I only found out months later that my daughter was living in fear that I would be taken away from her. She hardly moved away from me. Even though I had an optimistic prognosis, this did nothing to quell the unfounded fear in her mind that my end was imminent. So, I learned how important it is to take caregivers' emotional temperature and find out how they are doing. They are the shadow soldiers in the battle, where all attention and support goes to the patient».

Asian elderly woman with cancer and wearing a headcovering is embracing her adult daughter. They are sitting on a couch and their foreheads are tough.FatCamera

But it is neither a heavy nor a pietistic book, on the contrary «This book is an experience of life, not death. We should probably read a book like this every 10 years to keep our focus on important relationships and goals, the ones that will keep us from feeling regret when the final bell rings,” concludes Warren.

So what are these 5 big regrets that many people seem to have in common at the end of life? Here they are, explained by Bronnie Ware.

1. I wish I had had the courage to live a life true to my principles, and not what others expected of me

This seems to be the most common regret of all: when people realize that their life is almost over and look back with clarity, it's easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even half of their dreams and had to die, knowing that it was due to the choices they had made, or not made. «It is very important to try to honor at least some of your dreams along the way – writes Ware – From the moment you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings with it a freedom that few realize, until they no longer possess it».

2.I wish I hadn't worked so much

This was especially common among men: «they felt the lack of not having experienced the youth of their children and the company of their partner, sacrificed for a lot of work.” However, even some women had this regret, but since they were all from the generation of the early twentieth century, few of them had been able to work and not dedicate themselves exclusively to their family.

«By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible realize you don't need as much money as you think you need – comments Ware – And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, more suited to your new lifestyle».

3.I wish I had had the courage to express my feelings

Many people repress their feelings to keep things quiet. Consequentially, they settle for a mediocre existence and never become who they truly are. «It happened that many they developed illnesses related to bitterness and resentment that resulted – adds Ware – We cannot control the reactions of others. However, while people may initially react badly when you change the way you are, speaking honestly, in the end this brings the relationship to a more intimate and healthier level. It's either this or remove the toxic relationship from your life. Either way, you win».

Son holding father's hand at the hospitalFG Trade

4.I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends

Some patients often didn't really realize all the benefits of having old friends until death and at that point, it was not always possible to trace them. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that over the years they had let golden friendships slip away. There was a deep regret for not giving friendships the time and effort they deserved. «When you are close to death, the material details of life vanish – comments Ware – People want to clean up, if possible. But it's not money or the status quo that matters: they want to be at peace with those they love. Usually, however, they are too sick and tired to handle this task. In the end it all comes down to love and relationships. This is all that remains in the last weeks of life: love and relationships».

5.I wish I had allowed myself to be happier

This is surprisingly common: many don't realize until the end that happiness is a choice, having been stuck in old patterns and habits most of their lives. The fear of change led them to pretend to others and to yourself that you are happy. «Deep down, however, they would have liked to laugh heartily and have more moments of lightness in their lives – comments Ware – When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is very far from your mind. But wouldn't it be a wonder to be able to let go and smile again, long before you die? Life is a choice. It's your life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness».