If you feel like an “imperfect” parent, then there’s something you need to know

Being a parent is a very complex task. When things don’t go as planned (and they almost always do), mothers and fathers blame themselves, scold their children, try to regain control and end up feeling worse than before. Is there a way out of the dead end?

In its Guide for imperfect parents: how to raise happy children by taking care of themselvespublished by Erickson, the American psychologist Susan M. Pollak summarizes the results of over thirty years of experience as a parent and with parents, proposing a different way of looking at the difficulties of parenting: learning to forgive yourself to learn to forgive. We asked her to help us understand how to reverse direction by turning to yourself a little kindness and compassion.

Are there any warning signs that tell us the need to unplug before feeling exhausted?
«Yes, there are, and they are different for everyone. Take a moment and reflect on what your “early warning signs” are. Do you notice that you have less patience? That you’re more irritable, that little things start to annoy you (toys on the floor, spilled milk, kids making noise)? That you are on the verge of a crying spell or that you might start screaming for no reason? Pay attention to yourself: we are often so focused on others that we forget to include ourselves in the circle. While, on the other hand, we deserve it: our needs matter. So, noticing when you feel lost or exhausted makes a huge difference. There’s an old Zen saying that I like: “Better to catch it in the bud than in full bloom.” We’re less likely to burn out if we notice the warning signs.”

Are there types of parents most at risk of parenting burnout?
“I think all active parents are vulnerable to burnout. It’s a huge and very important job, which society doesn’t always appreciate or reward. I think it’s human to feel overwhelmed by the tasks of parenting. However, if you are a single parent, who has no financial support, family, friends or childcare, you may be at greater risk of burnout. As the saying goes, “It takes a village to raise a child.” It’s very difficult to do it yourself. We need community. We need support.”

What does it mean to take care of ourselves? How can we do it?
“We have to think about being kind to ourselves. Do you have a good friend who is thoughtful and understanding? What would he tell you? Take a moment to imagine how this friend would respond if you told him you were feeling stressed and exhausted. This can help you put things in perspective. Many people misunderstand and think that taking care of yourself means indulging in a spa treatment, a manicure/pedicure, a massage. That’s all great, but it usually doesn’t have any lasting effects. What I’m talking about in the book is, rather, the ability to treat yourself as you would a dear friend, responding to them with kindness and pointing out all the positive and loving things you are doing for your children (it’s fun, it cooks with them, it does gardening, reading to them, playing football with them). So rather than criticizing ourselves or belittling ourselves, we can focus on what we’re doing right. Remembering that no one is perfect.”

Why is taking care of yourself so important for the balance of the whole family?
«There is a popular saying in the United States: “If Mommy isn’t happy, nobody is happy” (“If mama isn’t happy, no one is happy“). Unhappiness is contagious, as is happiness. We are all interconnected, especially in a family. If you are depressed, exhausted, stressed or worried, everyone will suffer. Everyone in the family matters. And there is another useful saying about the importance of perceiving what is happening: “What we feel, we can heal”. Ignoring problems often makes them worse.”

What are the most common mistakes we make in managing our daily routine?
“I think a common misconception is that our children will be successful if we keep them under pressure and are tough on them. There is research showing that children respond better to kindness and are more motivated by understanding than by fear and anger. We often think that yelling or physical punishment will lead us to cooperation and obedience, but that’s not the case.”

Changing our way of being parents is difficult, or at least in a reasonable time: how can it be done?
«It is enough to change only one thing at a time, modifying the way in which an ordinary activity is carried out. For example, do you love to cook? When you’re doing this for your family, if it’s a difficult, stressful, or alienating day, take a moment to feel some gratitude. There is research that gratitude can make a big difference in well-being and mood. It doesn’t take much time and you don’t need to stop or meditate with your eyes closed. Just a minute. You may feel gratitude for having food. You could thank your mother or grandmother who taught you how to cook. Simply adding a little gratitude to this simple daily activity can help you feel a little happier. It’s not complicated.”

While there are no perfect parents, what are the characteristics of a good parent?
“A wonderful British pediatrician named DW Winnicott introduced the concept of the ‘good enough’ mother as an adequate mother. I find this definition can help parents relax. A sociologist surveyed 135 mothers in the United States, Italy, Germany and Sweden about what a “good mother” was. Americans cited the experts and knowledge they had learned from podcasts, books, lectures, but they had no personal definitions. European women spoke of traits they wanted to instill in their children, such as stability, independence, kindness, and a sense of protection and love. A European mum said: “Spend time with them”. So think about what matters to you. Don’t worry about being “super parents”: trust what you know and what you have learned.

Typical situation: morning before going to school, uncooperative children, lateness, tantrums. In his book he suggests mindfulness exercises, but how is it possible to stop in the middle of the chaos and find balance again?
“This is my favorite exercise. I tell myself, “That’s the way it is right now,” and that helps not add tension to the situation. And I don’t tell myself, “This shouldn’t be happening. Why is this happening to me? I must be a terrible mom. I am inadequate. Why are my children so difficult? I hate them!”. There is an exercise that helps to stop, in the midst of chaos. It is called: “Two feet, one breath”. You simply need to feel both feet on the floor. Feel the ground that supports them. Let yourself be embraced. And then take a breath. Then tell the kids, “Okay, we can always start over. Let’s try again.” Try to recover your humor, if possible. One day, after a breakdown (it happens to us all), when I finally did getting the kids into the car, I started driving to school. And, of course, the first light was red. In frustration I almost growled the way a dog does, saying, “Grrrrrrr.” The kids started to laugh, we all started making dog noises, and then laughing, and so we restored a little balance. Zen teachers say: “Life is one mistake after another”. It is like this for all of us » .

So companies can be attentive to parenting

Work, family and private life: how do you do it all? Here is my secret

Happiness at work, 5 practical strategies to increase it