Is it a problem not to fantasize about your partner while masturbating?

There is still very little talk of female masturbation and even when it is done, what emerges from it is at least a distorted or nebulous reality, due to the many, too many, taboos still in vogue on the issue and in general on the binomial women-sexual pleasure.
To rekindle the focus was an episode of the new series by Shonda Rhimes, Bridgerton, broadcast on Netflix. In the episode in question, the protagonist Daphne Bridgerton, played by Phoebe Dynevor, learns, not without difficulty, to masturbate in an era, 1813, when there were many questions about it and you could not use Google to clarify. and affirm themselves and their emancipation, also through good DIY sex.

When in one scene Duke Simon Basset, the undisputed sex symbol of the series, asks her what she was thinking at that moment, she replies without hesitation: «I thought of you when I touched myself, I always think of you». But is it always true that during self-eroticism you think about your partner or loved one? The answer is no and, as the psychologist and sexologist explains Azzurra Carrozzo, «one should not feel guilty at all».

THE MOTOR FANTASY OF MASTURBATION
Masturbation it is based on sexual fantasies and this is even more true for women. While sometimes the male one can only be mechanical, it is always what is imagined that ignites female arousal during an individual sexual act.
«There are differences between genders but both can develop highly transgressive fantasies or are distant from their own experience. Men usually focus on sadomasochistic, threesome or homosexual images, albeit rarely admitting it for reasons of cultural taboos ». Women, on the other hand, often fantasize about being with another woman, or experiencing episodes of coercion and violence, these latter situations that have nothing to do with real desire. “Clearly no one would really want to experience violence, but in the field of imagination it can happen because we are dealing with abstract thoughts that do not necessarily want to be transformed into practical acts».

WHEN YOU DON’T THINK ABOUT THE PARTNER
It is very common, therefore, that people do not use the image of their partner during masturbation, but this should by no means be seen as a danger indicator for the relationship or worse still, a betrayal. “Each couple has their own rules and independently establishes what they consider a betrayal or not, but in general I would say that this in itself should not alarm”, adds the expert.

TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU UNLEASH OUR IMAGINATION
The problem almost never exists if the subject of the fantasies is a celebrity or an unknown or fantasy person. “Imagining a man we don’t know, perhaps in a context opposite to our daily life, is almost always experienced as a breath of oxygen since, let’s not forget, masturbation is an act of love for ourselves that should only make us feel good and distract the mind. Orgasm is the most selfish moment, in which we do everything to achieve pleasure and fantasy plays a central role, so it must be pleasant and free of limits ».
Different when the thought flies to someone you know and who is in some way part of the relational circle, be it a friend, a work colleague or a simple acquaintance. In this case, those who fantasize can experience a moment of inner crisis, especially if it is a woman who does it, again because of the patriarchal culture in which, unfortunately, we are all sadly and often involuntarily immersed.
«That not thinking of your partner is the reflection of a crisis or not, only the person who puts his fantasy into practice can tell us, starting from why he does it. Sometimes it can be a wake-up call but very often it doesn’t. Imagining others when you are intimate with yourself is very common and rarely has anything to do with the relationship. Much more often, however, the imaginary presence of the other serves as a momentary excitement and nothing more ».

FORBIDDEN FEELING GUILT
The sense of guilt, therefore, is banished, even if those who think of other people at certain times often feel like a traitor and find it difficult to talk about it with their partner, precisely for fear of a negative reaction.
Within a couple you should always feel free to say everything, including your own fantasies, which if shared can not only increase the pleasure in individual moments, but also in those in two. However, if you feel that the other person would hardly understand your mental transgression, it is not necessary to communicate it. «Keep it to yourself and enjoy it lightly, starting from the certainty that everyone, including your partners, has more or less transgressive fantasies, even if they don’t admit it», concludes Azzurra Carrozzo.