Karen Kokeshi: “My insecurities, therapy and love with Rovazzi”

ANDva does not have blue hair, but the ordinary appearance of an ordinary girl. “Unforgettable,” she called it Karen Kokeshi, who in her Eve of pages and letters, the first to which she was asked to give life, poured out a part of herself. Eva is the memory of past loves, the receptacle of present insecurities, she is the mirror of what Kokeshi has seen in the relationships she has lived: a girl willing to do anything, “to the point of losing her dignity, if this serves to chase an emotion pure “. When she says it, “Losing your dignity,” there is no dramatic emphasis that echoes her. Karen Kokeshi, youtuber (on stand-by), laughs, and with the thought of her returns to the teenage self. “I remember going back to the boy who betrayed me a month later. I told him “Okay, I forgive you, but let’s try again, because my feeling is strong”. Basically, I gave up on pride ». And today, Fabio Rovazzi’s girlfriend for (almost) three years, she doesn’t even remember if that movement of sincere romanticism had a positive outcome. “It’s over, it’s over anyway,” says the 28-year-old, who wrote for Mondadori Wrong Eve (Mondadori 2021, pp. 156, euro 18), in bookstores from February 15.

Why this book?
“It all started last year, January, February. Mondadori contacted my agency: “We took a tour of Karen’s Instagram and saw good writing skills, a good way to communicate. We would like you to write a book ”. I exploded, it was one of those dreams you have as a child ».

Did you dream of being a writer?
«Let’s say, rather, that I’ve always written. When I have to communicate my emotions in a deeper way, I find myself writing. Fabio (Rovazzi, ed) has received tons of my letters. As a young girl, then, I wrote fairy tales in my diary ».

Therefore, he accepted without hesitation.
“In truth, I wondered why Mondadori had chosen me. For a year, I had disappeared from Youtube, I had lost contact with my community. Let’s say that, among the characters in sight on social networks, I was certainly not at the top of the list. They saw my post. I was responding to comments, mostly criticism. They found my way of replying to the haters a good way. So they contacted me and left me carte blanche. Wrong Eve was born in the aftermath of their proposal. It came to me like that, straight away, as if the story had always been in my mind ».

He also spoke about his ability to deal with criticism in the video with which he greeted Youtube. Today, however, she is back on social media. What has changed in the past two years?
“I do not know. I just think it’s time to take courage and try again. Twenty-four months have passed since my separation with Youtube: the hatred has subsided, the haters have grown bored. I went back to my comfort zone and, today, I feel more ready to face criticism ».

Even those of who will say that an influencer has no title to write a book?
“This has already been told to me. I would like to specify that I do not consider myself a writer, at all. Writing is an art, a profession. I have only made my dream come true. I entered this world with my head down and on tiptoe, and I am here to learn. I would be happy to receive constructive criticism ».

Did Rovazzi help you with the drafting of this first novel?
“No. Wrong Eve it is my product, it took me a lot of my experience, of what I am ».

What is Karen Casiraghi or Karen Kokeshi?
«Karen Casiraghi. Kokeshi is built exasperating who I am, she is more self-deprecating and saucy, but the novel was written by Karen Casiraghi. Eva is an artist in making a fool and magnifying them in her head, Eva is like me ».

In the novel, Eve is also described as a deeply insecure person. Is she so really?
«I would say that my personality is influenced in every sphere by my insecurities. I have the almost unconscious certainty of not being up to any situation. I feel a bit of a misfit. When I confront a person X, I usually always feel defective, I feel uncomfortable ».

Why, then, expose yourself on social media?
“It’s a question that is often asked of me, even by my followers, but you don’t necessarily have to be sure of yourself or have self-esteem to expose yourself on social networks. It’s something else than singing in a stadium, acting on a stage. When you make a video, you are in your home, in the area of ​​the world that is most familiar to you. I have always followed a lot of Youtube, I was the number one fan of many youtubers. One fine day, in 2017, a friend told me that he thought I would be able to do this job. I asked myself a few questions, turned on the camera and posted a video. In one week, I got 250,000 views ».

Then, in 2019, he met Fabio Rovazzi and the media exposure increased.
«With Fabio, however, the problem of social exposure is minimal. He is not a person who likes to share his private life online. He doesn’t post much. He doesn’t tell his days about him nor ours as a couple. He didn’t put his life online and neither did mine. It only happened at the beginning of our relationship and it was there that someone accused me of being a profiteer, of using Fabio to become famous ».

Didn’t you feel debased in your professionalism? In 2019, he had been working online for two years.
«I think my professionalism was the main cause of the criticism. Whoever I am, Fabio is higher than me, and by a lot. He is more famous. Had I been a normal person and not a youtuber, perhaps people would have seen something else. So, instead, I was accused of wanting to increase my audience through Fabio ».

Rather demeaning.
“Especially for him. According to these people, Fabio is not deserving of love, he can be used but not loved. He is very sad ».

Wrong Eve tells of Eva’s journey in search of her boyfriend who dumped her without much explanation when he was transferred to Denmark. How much of her love for her with Rovazzi is in this story?
“Little. Eva’s ex boyfriend does not absolutely mirror Fabio. He is an entity invented out of thin air. Eva, on the other hand, is me. Since adolescence, I’ve been in love with love. I don’t know why. My parents are separated, I have not had an example of a lasting couple in the house. Maybe, if you think about it, that’s why I’ve always pursued love. “

What was it like to tell about yourself through Eva?
“Therapeutic. Like Eva, I am a person who cannot control emotions. Even at the cost of being pathetic, without any embarrassment or shame, I need to follow my instincts. However, following the instinct and the heart is not always the right answer. Sometimes, it’s counterproductive. I have come to tarnish my dignity out of love. But, on balance, I have done things that in conscience I would do again, even if they have caused me unhappiness. I would do them again because they are the result of pure emotion ».

How do you manage this emotional baggage in your real life?
«I am on a therapeutic path, and, if I can, I would recommend it to everyone. There is nothing more wrong than being ashamed to ask for help: anyone needs a figure to give them a hand to put their thoughts in order. Going to therapy, even just once in a lifetime, is saving “.

Especially after two years of a pandemic.
“My anxiety and my fear of interfacing with social networks have been amplified by the situation, my psychologist also tells me. Now more than ever that of the therapist is a necessary figure ».

How have you experienced the lockdowns of the last two years?
“Working online, I didn’t suffer from lack of work. Writing then gave me a goal to do at home. Nothing could be done, but I was happy, grateful to have this opportunity on my side. Fabio, whose work also takes place outside of social networks, had to give up on several projects. He didn’t go through the quarantine very well. “

However, your couple came out of this situation well.
“In forced cohabitation, we fought less than we did before. She went well, he was a peaceful coexistence. Today, however, we live in two separate apartments. Fifty meters away from each other, but each masters of their own space ».

Why this choice?
“We matured it into a pandemic. I am very shy, I realized that I needed my space to work ».

Is she shy with her boyfriend too?
“Very. I’m working on it. I have problems with insecurities, and these hold back the possibility of sharing work with Fabio. We may find something nice to do together, but it will take time. We love to travel. If we ever have a common project, I think it would concern the theme of travel ».

So what awaits you tomorrow?
«For now, I do long broadcasts on Twitch, where the relationship you have with the viewer is different, more intimate. I can make myself perceive as a person, not as a character. Then I’d like to write another book, maybe start this project with Fabio ».