Leaving home: 8 benefits of moving away if a marriage seems to be over

Chiara Ferragni and Fedez no longer live together. Not long ago he left home, definitively confirming the rumors of a strong crisis within one of the most admired and followed couples on social media. There is talk of separation, but neither of them has expressed their opinion on the matter. Only Annamaria Berrinzaghi, mother of Fedez, he responded with a very short “We hope everything goes well” to those who asked her for a comment on the marital crisis between her son and the digital entrepreneur. In the meantime, she has chosen a divorce lawyer specializing in family law, as sources confirm Vanity Fairand is preparing for the meeting with Fabio Fazio, already scheduled for Sunday 3 March in the studios of What's the weather like in which he will speak publicly about the Pandoro case and the judicial problems of his companies.

But has a couple that drifts apart, in which one of the two leaves home, really reached the end of the line? «Not always, in fact, sometimes distancing can be good for the couple. In reality, giving yourself completely different spaces can be an excellent tool for growth, to renew the union, reflect on yourself and on the impact that you want to have on the other and that the other has on us”, explains the psychotherapist Ana Maria Sepefounder of Psychoadvisor and bestselling author we get sick from Love, we heal from Love. «It all depends on understanding how the couple experiences this separation, because separation should certainly not be an excuse to look around or put aside feelings for the other. Rather it should be a turning point to nourish those feelings, nourish them and also to reflect on one's emotional responsibility.”

Yet the important concept of “affective responsibility” is often underestimated.
«More than anything else it is read in a unidirectional way, in terms “how bad or good he/she makes me feel” and not “how much we make each other feel good or bad!”».

And instead?
«Affective responsibility means having full awareness of the impact that our words and actions have on others. Because each of our attitudes causes a resonance in the other person, an amplified response in cognitive-behavioral terms. In practice, partners constantly influence each other, in invisible ways but the effects are extremely tangible and this is a good thing in ideal conditions – free of stress internal or external to the couple, free of broken expectations, pressures – but we know well that the life as a couple is never “ideal”. We must then build that ideal ourselves and, in this case, living at a distance can be an excellent tool.”

Yet, few adopt it with the awareness that it can help rediscover themselves and the couple. Why?
«For the fear of abandonment. Every separation, even if reflected upon, even if understood as part of a shared project plan, can be seen as a threat, an evocation of the abandonment and loneliness that terrifies us so much. Here, leaving home risks triggering the alarm of abandonment and upsetting many balances. The risk is even higher when the relationship is based on co-dependency or emotional dependence. Here, leaving home, despite any reassurance given, can activate the “unlock” button which automatically projects you towards other relationships.”

So this solution isn't for everyone?
“Let's say that in the case of relationships that focus on emotional dependence and not on love, this step could make everything collapse, so leaving home should be accompanied by a flood of reassurances provided to the other. Reassurances that can convey this unequivocal message: “I'm leaving home but I'm not leaving your life, I'm not leaving your heart, I'm not leaving you. We will find new ways to live, love and rediscover ourselves”. Because I repeat, the shared purpose should be to improve intimacy and well-being as a couple. Experiencing an emotional bond by leaving home also gives us the opportunity to explore the four dimensions of love. Yes, because in the collective imagination the guarantee of well-being of coexistence is linked to a two-dimensional love: “I love you you love me”. But in reality this does not guarantee us at all that much dreamed of”and they lived happily ever after”».

How do you achieve happiness as a couple?
«When we are able to complete four dimensions of love: I love you, you love Me, I love me, you love you. Living in separate houses, even if it seems unromantic, gives us a big deal
possibility: that of rediscovering love for ourselves, as well as for our partner. An opportunity not to be underestimated, given that the only love that can heal us, that can make us feel complete and satisfied, is the one we can give to ourselves. The partner should be an added value and not a completion.”

8 reasons to move away (that help you find yourself)

The psychotherapist has identified the eight benefits for the relationship in choosing to move away to resolve a moment of crisis.

1. It helps us identify where we want to grow and how we want to change ourselves within the couple and how we want to make the same couple evolve in its complexity.

2. There it helps to see with a more objective eye what the couple's strengths and vulnerabilities are, so as to address problems with your partner in a more proactive way. By putting the right distance, without forgetting the interdependence that underlies the relationship, even the heaviest loads become very solvable issues!

3. It gives us the opportunity to reflect on ourselves and our feelings. Is the other an added value for our life or is he filling gaps? Is it true love or need?

4. It is useful for creating new balances, breaking routines, vicious circles… but it is contraindicated in relationships in which one or both partners have previous experiences of abandonmentwhere distance can be experienced as threatening.

5. Gives us more space to affirm ourselves and reflect on ourselves and not just on the couple. Many people, living as a couple, risk losing their individuality.

6. They ask themselves foundations for greater emancipationliving in separate houses, we have to learn to look after and support ourselves (things we should have known how to do even before the relationship) and this gives us greater security.

7. We give ourselves the opportunity to discover hidden potential and sides of us that we didn't know. In living together, in fact, we often delegate the other person who inevitably ends up taking care of aspects of our life; living in separate homes, we are “forced” to use our resources which… might surprise us! So many of us will stop underestimating ourselves.

8. Similarly, we have the opportunity to discover unexpected sides of each other. In cohabitation, everyone is inevitably influenced by the other, by living in separate houses, everyone will feel freer to express themselves, more authentic. We learn to see ourselves for who we are.