As a person with autism, Madison Marilla He was often excluded when his neurotypical friends began relationships and went out in meetings during high school.
At the time, she tried to invite some other friends with special needs to the graduation ball, but they said they were too shy to attend a large school event, she tells.
“This happened a lot in high school, because … emotionally, I had a delay in development, but not intellectually,” she said. “I didn’t understand the complex social skills involved in dating when I was in high school, something that most people my age understood at the time.”
Watch the Netflix reality show, “Love in the Spectrum” Marilla, today at 27, inspired trying to date again. She is one of the participants of the American version of the third season of the series, which debuted on April 2, on the day of awareness of autism.
About 1 in 36 children and 1 in 45 adults in the United States have autism, according to US disease control and prevention centers. Worldwide, about 1% of the population, or 75 million people, was diagnosed with autism, says the autism Speaks organization.
Autistic spectrum disorder, or ASD, is categorized by a series of symptoms, including various challenges with communication and social interaction, but many adults in the spectrum still want to have active social lives.
Navigating the world of meetings as someone with autism was complicated for Marilla, and her first date on the show didn’t come out as she expected. He was sensitive to the noises of the restaurant where they went to meet, and they didn’t have many interests in common. Still, she has not given up after that meeting and is now telling people that “finding love in the spectrum is possible.”
During the process, Marilla learned how to find the balance between leaving the comfort zone, but not so far as to be a disorienting people inside and outside the spectrum, said Jennifer Cook, the program neurodiversity expert, who also has autism diagnosis.
Cook often guides neurodiverses to have more connected lives and relationships, and helps them understand and identify hidden social rules. “It’s important for everyone to do things outside their comfort zones, wherever you are in the human spectrum,” said Cook. “It’s what makes us better, more creative and more fabulous individuals.”
Learning Zone vs. panic
When Marilla was preparing for her first date, she met with cook earlier. She wanted to know things like what she should talk to her pair, and if she could take items that make her comfortable – Marilla has an impressive collection of dolls and often takes some on her tours.
Marilla’s first meeting on the show may have been a good example of what Cook describes how the layers to get out of the comfort zone. Marilla, who had gone to encounters before and likes to leave, was what Cook calls the “learning zone”.
“We are in that intermediate place where we are engaged, but we do not lose focus, whether by boredom or panic. We feel curious and interested in people, places and things around us. We want to learn. We want to acquire new relationships and new skills,” said Cook. “It’s like the history of golden curls.”
But Marilla’s pair, who had expressed her discomfort with the noise of the restaurant before moving out, was probably what Cook refers to as a “panic zone,” said Marilla.
“That’s when you’re in a place of extreme feelings. So you can feel confused, disoriented, insecure or even inept, like ‘I can’t do that,” Cook said. “When we are in this area, we can’t absorb any new information, we can’t think with flexibility, we can’t communicate well with others.”
This is true for everyone, Cook noted: “This is not exclusive to autistic individuals.”
When leaving the comfort zone, Cook often tells people in the spectrum that they seek their advice to set goals that reflect what can be controlled. Although Marilla did not consider her first date a good pair, she still managed to do what she wanted to do, which was going out on a date.
Not giving up, Marilla went to another first date and found a better pair. And yes, the couple was still leaving after the program’s filming ended, she said.
Find things in common
Abbey Romeo, 26, who was diagnosed with autism at the age of 2, has been a participant in “Love in the Spectrum” since the first season of the program, during which she met her current boyfriend. They have been dating for almost four years.
During her first date, Romeo recalls that she was very nervous. “I felt like vomiting because there were no memories connected with David (Isaacman, his boyfriend). We didn’t study together,” she said. “But I found that we have many things in common – not everything, but many things.”
Trying new things, which Romeo’s mother taught her a lot – speaking positively to herself when she is feeling nervous. “You can say, ‘It will be all right. It’s totally normal to feel that way.’ And I say, ‘I think I can. I think I can,’ like the little locomotive I could, but instead, I’m the little locomotive I got, ”said Romeo.
The couple also “understand sensory needs from each other,” said Romeo, which is important as “there are many different types of autism.” Sometimes each one needs breaks from each other or the world, which may involve staying on his cell phone or take a moment to be alone in another room.
While Romeo and her boyfriend have a lot in common, such as their love for animals, particularly lions, they also have different interests that showed each other, such as different food to try and places to know.
Learn about other people’s perspectives
Cook often receives questions about the challenge of listening and understanding someone else’s perspective. Although not specific to people with autism, it is often a challenge shared by people in the spectrum. “This is where the misunderstanding arises that autistic people have no empathy,” said Cook. “This could not be wrong.”
It is called “theory of mind,” which is the ability to understand and attribute thoughts and emotions from other people, and it can be difficult for autistic people to do this without being taught or previously experienced the other person’s perspective, said Cook.
There is also the challenge of anticipating what someone will say and then respond naturally in real time. Cook’s advice, for those on spectrum or not, is to be authentic. It is normal to recognize the embarrassing silence of a date, or bring a small doll or two if it helps someone feel more confident to get out of their comfort zone, she said.
For those who seek to support someone in their life who is autistic and wants to enter their learning zone, Cook suggests teaching and practicing coping skills with that person. Your favorite is a method that uses all five senses and helps someone slow down in situations that cause anxiety: “Identify five things you can see, four things you can hear, three things you can feel, two you can prove and one you can smell.”
As people who are both in the spectrum, Romeo and Marilla agree that it is important to get out of the comfort zone, even if it may be scary. Marilla’s friend gave this advice, which she shared: “Life is at its best when you are out of your comfort zone, and it is better to allow yourself to come out, not to contain yourself,” she said. “And these are true words that I keep to this day, and they helped me with the dating process.”
This content was originally published in “Love in Spectrum”: Season 3 teaches you to leave the comfort zone on CNN Brazil.
Source: CNN Brasil
I’m Robert Neff, a professional writer and editor. I specialize in the entertainment section, providing up-to-date coverage on the latest developments in film, television and music. My work has been featured on World Stock Market and other prominent publications.
