Making a child with a friend: thus was born the “elective co-nentality”

Stories of “Elective Co-Genoes”

“It was a lighting, as if I had found the solution to an axillo that had now become a fixed nail. I loved her, he was very intelligent, a person I always estimated: what if she had become the mother of the son I so wanted? ».

And Alessandro, today fifty -five years old, managed to have that child he wanted: he succeeded in this way, involving Patrizia on his plan. They often saw themselves, then one evening, at dinner, he released the topic: «I was 45 years old and no serious relationships in sight. She, a little younger, was a free spirit: always on the go, without ever any link. Together we went to the concerts, to the exhibitions, we talked about the greatest systems and there was an absolute affinity, except that we were not in love with each other, so much so that we told each other mutually of our love stories. But in recent times a recurring topic emerged in our chats: the children. I felt a visceral need and I softened it with the fact that the weather was passing and that despite not wanting a relationship, however, I wanted to become a father. I always opened the speech, but she followed me. One day I threw it there: but if we had done that child together? ». And so it was. Alessandro wanted to fly over how Patrizia was pregnant, but it happened and today Federico, their son, is 10 years old. They solved it like this: taking a great house, in Milan, who was the basis for the child: «And we, who knew that we would travel a lot, took turns: when I was there, Patrizia was away and when she was there, I left. And the few evenings in which both of them were in Milan we slept together like two friends. However, we have never been a couple. Federico, however, is always lived in the midst of love, attention and I was able to immerse myself in paternity with an intensity that I don’t know how many fathers have allowed themselves “. It is clear that, for this shared management, some decision taken to the table was necessary: ​​”With Patrizia we agreed so as not to have two divergent behaviors: on the hours of the first leg of Federico, on the duties, on the food, we tried to give him the same rules, so that, in the absence of one or the other, he could not make comparisons, but fortunately with Patrizia we have always been very aligned”.

In reality, that of Alessandro, it is not such an anomalous story, it even has a name: it is called “elective co -genity” and indicates that situation for which two people take on the role of parents of a child, without being married and not even in pairs. Someone also calls it “Platonic co-Parenting” and abroad is even more widespread.

The history of English Nick Farrow, author of children’s books, has gone around the world: «My daughter Milly, who is ten years old today, was born from a conscious agreement of Platonic co -genity with her mother, Rae. We met on a site called Modamily, we drank infinite cups of tea and made long chats. After five months of weekly meetings, we decided to have a son together. The overall experience has been full of joy: in many ways we are absolutely normal parents, and we have built a solid bond to support Milly. The only thing that is missing are roses and broken hearts ». For Nick there was a precise moment in which he understood that he wanted to become a father: “Years ago, the daughter of a friend embraced me by shouting:” I love you, Uncle Nick! “. That moment opened something inside me. I was just over thirty years old and since then the desire to be a father has only raised. After a bad relationship, in which the idea of ​​the children had suddenly disappeared from the radar, I understood that I no longer wanted to wait for the arrival of great love for, perhaps, to build a family. I wanted a family, with or without the candlelit dinners ». But being a parent alone seemed to him an immense challenge and co -genity seemed to him a “more intentional, collaborative and (hoping) solution solitary solution. I was not looking for a traditional love story, I was looking for a real partnership ». And so it was: “Deep trust is built when the relationship is not based on infatuation, but on a common mission. I didn’t expect to be a parent from being so intense from an emotional point of view: it opens you in two, whether you want it or not ».

Nick also wrote a book on his adventure: Diary of a Platonic Co-Parent: One Man’s Search for an alternative familya sincere, touching and often exhilarating journey in the creation of a family without the romantic fairy tale, a family, as he says, “born from the intention, not from the agreement”.

The cover of the book by Nick Farrow: “Diary of Platonic Co-Parent”.

The agency to which Nick leaned is, as he said, the modamily e Ivan Fatovic The CEO is. It is a platform that helps people to create a family outside traditional models, that it is co -genity, the sperm donation with a well-known donor or a romantic relationship. You register, create a profile in which you describe your values, your lifestyle and what you are looking for, at that point, complete with legal advice and psychological support, a service is offered matchmaking Tailored: «And yes, there are more and more single men who want to become parents and seek a person they can trust. Many are now seeing a proactive and conscious way in the co-galleries to become fathers “, explains Ivan,” when two people decide to go on, we recommend drafting an agreement that establishes custody, financial aspects, responsibilities and geographical considerations. The laws vary from country to country and also from state to state, therefore it is essential to rely on expert professionals ». In any case, Italian customers are also increasing: «In particular in large cities such as Milan and Rome. The concept of “intentional construction of the family” is gaining land all over the world, and Italy is no exception “.

Ivan Fatovic, Modamily’s CEO.

And on a legal level, explains the lawyer Maria Grazia of Nello, specialized in family law, there are actually no problems: «In unmarried couples, it is enough that both parents proceed with the recognition of the child, which can also be done in advance, that is, before the birth and this can be useful above all if the two parents do not live or do not live in the same city. The fact that the mother and father do not live together is certainly not an obstacle to the birth of a family and co-Parenting can rest on the solid common project of becoming parents. In these cases even better if a contract was stipulated before the birth of the child, with date and details on the respective roles and mutual obligations in compliance with the minor. A healthy and stable affectivity seems to be the real glue in couples much more than sex today. But be careful: recognition cannot be “falsified”. Let me explain: it is not that two friends can agree even when the son was “biologically” of another man, leaving this unaware: such behavior is criminally relevant if the excluded father claimed his paternity “.