“My wife is obsessively chatting with someone else. But is virtual cheating cheating?”

Dear Lawyer,
I have been married for 14 years and have two children, ages 8 and 12. Ours has always been a happy marriage, but for a few months now my wife has not been the same. In the evenings and on weekends she spends hours chatting, completely isolating herself from the family and neglecting me and the children. Sometimes she even chats at the table in front of the children, or at dinners at friends’ houses, seriously embarrassing me in front of everyone.
If I try to touch on the subject, she reacts aggressively, telling me that she is not doing anything wrong and that I have no right to invade her privacy. Everything suggests that these messages are addressed to another man, because my wife seems very involved in this online relationship. We no longer share anything and it no longer makes sense to be together. My wife’s attitude humiliates me and hurts me deeply. I have decided to separate, so I ask you, Lawyer, does virtual betrayal exist? Can I ask that the separation be charged to my wife?i.
Francis

Dear Francis,
the Court of Cassation said “yes”; even a virtual relationship is betrayal and is a cause for separation. And the issue is very relevant, because his wife, if held responsible for the separation, risks being left without maintenance and leaving his estate even before the divorce.

Until a few years ago, separation could not be charged without material proof of betrayal, which could be provided by investigative reports, hotel records where the lovers had spent the night together or through the testimonies of friends and acquaintances who had seen the unfaithful spouse exchanging kisses and hugs in public with the “third wheel”.

Today, even “platonic” love can be a cause for blameas the Court of Cassation explained in a recent ruling: “the relationship of a spouse with strangers makes separation chargeable pursuant to art. 151 of the Civil Code, when, in consideration of the external aspects with which it is cultivated and the environment in which the spouses live, it gives rise to plausible suspicions of infidelity and therefore, even if it does not result in adultery, it entails an offence to the dignity and honour of the other spouse” (order 8750/2022 which recalls the precedent of the Court of Cassation no. 21657/2017).

This means that betrayal is betrayal even when it has not materially occurred and that the offense to the spouse begins earlier, in the “plausible suspicions of infidelity” of the partner, that is, in the desire of the other.

In the case examined by the Court, the wife had defended herself by arguing that the chat correspondence she had with another man did not constitute a violation of the obligation of fidelity, adultery being understood as a real and not imaginary emotional relationship, made up of meetings, sexual relations and effusions, which in this case had never occurred. But the Court of Cassation accepted the husband’s reasons, stating that having a romantic chat with another partner is cheating. In short, even two people who write to each other without seeing each other commit adultery.

In the age of dematerialization of all relationships, a physical relationship is no longer necessary for there to be betrayal. All it takes is a mental love demonstrated by messages, WhatsApp chats, and comments on social media.

Technology has radically changed the way we experience relationships, distancing us from physical and sensitive relationships with the world. As Ester Viola writes in one of her articles, «If “two people write to each other without seeing each other” has become a matter for the courts and no longer for middle school, it means that the virtual relationship has strengthened, has grown, has gained dignity”.

Let’s be clear, however, that you cannot be considered unfaithful just because you chat with someone else; you need to investigate the language used by lovers, to verify what type of bond there is between the two. And the charge is triggered if the existence of a relationship of affection, attraction, emotional involvement is proven even between two people who, paradoxically, have never seen each other.

Therefore, the behavior of someone like his wife, who neglects his spouse and children to exchange loving messages with a third party outside the couple, even if it remains confined to an intimate and private dimension, still undermines respect for the other and fidelity understood as an alliance between the two, undermining the glue of every relationship, mutual trust.

From a legal point of view, the duty of fidelity has changed a lot over the years. Until 1968, adultery was punishable by law and the conduct of the woman was considered more serious than that of the man.

If, until 1975, separation “due to fault” was a sanction for the unfaithful spouse, later it became a remedy for situations of intolerable cohabitation and infidelity was degraded to a reason for the separation.

Today, infidelity is no longer a crime against the State, but an offense to the spouse. Fidelity, which has always been linked to the sexual aspect, in the last 10 years has come closer to the concept of loyalty, trust, respect for the dignity of the spouse. And that is why it includes both physical and virtual relationships.

For example, the Court of Cassation She blamed the separation on a husband who had surfed dating sites seeking extramarital affairs on the Internet, believing that such behavior was a violation of the duty of fidelity, even if it had not led to actual adultery.

The Court of Cassation held that infidelity which remained at the stage of a mere attempt was a reason for the charge.due to the third party’s resistance to the spouse’s advances.

In conclusion, you can certainly ask and obtain the separation charge to your wife. I wish you to live a new love, a healthy and real relationship where things really happen. And they are lived by two.

If you want to ask the lawyer for an opinion or share your doubts you can write to:
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