Neuroscience explains why you are not a failure as a mother

Hollywood’s version of childbirth bears little resemblance to my experience, or that of anyone else I know.

On screens, we almost always see moms-to-be rushing to the hospital after a dramatic water break, a somewhat rare occurrence in real life, after which she howls and curses her way through rapid labor. Then, poof, voilà!, her hair magically realigns, a healthy level of pigment returns to her cheeks, and she is in love, completely and irrevocably, with her baby.

My first thought when I saw my oldest son after giving birth? You are very cute but this was very difficult, I am very tired and yet here we are all alone. Would it be so bad if I had a day or two to recover before you and I started hanging out?

With my second, I was lucky enough to be in a hospital that allowed my husband to stay overnight in the room with me at no additional cost. He took over most of the care, I was able to rest and no one expected anything like a “Madonna and the Child” moment from me.

My story continued to diverge from the Hollywood version of the new motherhood in the weeks and months that followed. There was no love at first sight, but love in process accompanied by a fair amount of anxiety and stress. It took until my children were about six months old for love to fully transform, and until my first was about two years old for my identity as a mother to feel natural and guided by what we might call instinct.

Through conversations with other mothers, I now know that my departure from the Hollywood script of new motherhood is not uncommon. In fact, it’s the norm. Fortunately, popular culture and scientific research are starting to catch on.

In her new book, Mother Brain: How Neuroscience Is Rewriting the History of Motherhood, Chelsea Conaboy looks at new findings around childbirth and early motherhood that present a much more complex picture of the experience.

THE CNN chatted with Chelsea about the many fictions surrounding the idea of ​​maternal instinct, what babies need and don’t need from their parents, and how understanding the complexity of the brain can make us better parents.

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.

CNN: What was the motherhood story you were told when you became a mother?

Chelsea Conaboy: The story I heard about what it means to be a mother was not, in a way, a story. I felt like it was never really talked about in a way that I could reflect on what this shift could mean for my inner life and my sense of self. This went hand in hand with my assumptions about maternal instinct, or this idea that I would step into this role and know exactly what to do and how to be – because caring is innate, automatic, and programmed for women.

These ideas about maternal instinct, which were written into scientific theory by people invested in a certain moral model of motherhood, were not just about how I should behave, but also how I should feel. It is not enough to hold a baby, nurse him or know how to swaddle him. I should have complete devotion, be totally selfless and be able to overcome any fears through the act of nurturing.

CNN: What was your process of discovering that this is far from true for many mothers?

Chelsea: The first “aha” moment started with my own struggles as a new mother. I was really overwhelmed with worry at the time, and so I started looking for answers to describe what I was going through. I started researching maternal anxiety and discovered how much the brain is altered by motherhood. And that’s true for everyone, not just people who suffer from postpartum mood disorders or anxiety.

I hadn’t seen this information in any prenatal or parenting books, and it could have made a huge difference for me. It actually made a huge difference for me when I finally learned this. It reshaped my entire experience. I still had concerns about my son’s well-being, but I stopped worrying about the worry, or thinking that there was something wrong with me because I knew these feelings were part of a productive process that was happening in my brain and helping me to adapt to this role.

CNN: What findings have you found most compelling among brain research done on mothers?

Chelsea: One is that attention is really what our babies need from us, and changes in our brains really compel us to give them our attention. We hear this story that the baby is placed on your breast, and you will be flooded with oxytocin, and the bond will form forever. But you can be mindful of a baby and feel it in many different ways. You can be full of anxiety, you can be full of heat, or you can be really tired and still pay attention.

In a similar way, we are taught about attachment, and the formula is usually very simple. Bonding with a child happens through a healthy pregnancy, normal birth, breastfeeding, and then spending a lot of time with the child. But when you look at the science, you see that caring can happen in many different ways. For example, if you don’t breastfeed, it’s not like you’re going to miss the bonding window. There are so many other opportunities to connect.

One last discovery. We often talk about the “mommy brain” as being degenerative for women. But new neuroscience research suggests we’re looking at this the wrong way. Motherhood can have a neuroprotective effect on the brain and delay the effects of aging. The challenges of motherhood can keep the brain looking younger.

CNN: In addition to the present research, you also look at our evolutionary history as a species and how the contemporary maternal ideal is an anomaly.

Chelsea: We have a lot to learn from history. We are so accepting of this idea that the nuclear family is the basis of society, but it wasn’t always that way. Other people have always helped with our babies, and those people weren’t always parents. Grandmothers also played an important role.

This parenting by someone other than the biological father has shaped us as humans, making us more social.

CNN: Does the new science of parenting tell us about fathers?

Chelsea: We know that two things shape a parent’s brain: a big shift in hormones and exposure. Obviously, things are different depending on whether you are the gestational father or not, but not everything is different.

Men also experience hormonal changes as they approach fatherhood while their partner is pregnant, and after the baby is born, they also experience spikes in oxytocin when they interact with their children.

Overall, research shows that fathers’ brains change in structure and function, just like mothers’ brains, and the more time they spend in direct care, the more significant these changes.

CNN: How has writing this book helped you as a mother?

Chelsea: The biggest thing it did for me was help me be more patient with myself. There are all these parenting books that tell us to trust yourself, but sometimes that’s problematic and confusing, because when they tell you to trust yourself, it assumes you’ll know what to do.

What I learned to trust is in the process and knowing that making mistakes is part of the process, because we, as parents, learn from them. This isn’t just a banal saying, but as I’ve learned, it’s part of the biological process of learning to read and respond to our children’s needs so that next time we can do better.

Elissa Strauss covers the culture and politics of parenting. Her book on the radical power of parenting and caring will be published in 2023.