Her ex-husband was obsessed with her, tormenting her with a suffocating form of psychological violence. He inspected her cell phone, monitored her movements, checked the people she frequented and suddenly showed up in places where she was with her children.
Marta (the name is fictional) is 38 years old, a degree in history never capitalized, two children aged 12 and 15. She took it a long time to admit to herself that she is a victimbut only in this way was she able to ask for help and take back her life.
After an extremely difficult separation, she turned to the CasAmica anti-violence center in Cinisello Balsamo and asked to be included in the Rotary project for women, which aims to help women not only by guaranteeing protection, but also by accompanying them on a path of acquiring freedom and autonomy, for a real reintegration into the social fabric. Marta made it, and she told us her story about her.
“My ex he used my children to find out about me, or to hit me blaming me for the destruction of our family, for his malaise, for his absences from work ”, he explains. “He threatened me to take his own life if I didn’t come back with him, he confronted my children as if they were his equal, telling them about the suffering I had caused him.”
The pandemic has exacerbated the situation.
“Unfortunately, yes: the impossibility of leaving the house forced us into constant contact, without being able to escape in search of a distraction, even if it was only going to my parents’ house. His obsession with him towards me was stronger and the lack of a job (he was unemployed) pushed him to focus only on me and to increase his control over me. Our children were involved in constant quarrels, which unfortunately also took place at night. Our malaise was getting stronger and stronger, with my feeling of being in a prison and having no way out. “
When did you realize you had enough?
«I continued to feel bad, I felt in a prison and I saw that my children had lost their serenity. I tried in every way to find a conciliatory solution, talking to my ex-husband and his family. I’m sure there is a psychiatric problem behind my ex-husband’s behavioral patterns: I tried to persuade him to take a therapeutic path, trying to convince him and his parents of him. But I’ve always gone unheard. Even the choice of a consensual separation was taken with a view to maintaining a conciliatory attitude and open to dialogue, but it turned out to be a disastrous solution, because after the separation things got worse ».
How?
“The quarrels were constant, the invasion of my spaces, of my person, of my house and my work of denigration in the eyes of my children had become unbearable. In September 2021, when he started pressuring me to get back together and after performing a serious self-harm gesture (to which he was not new: he was doing it to keep me close to him), I realized that if I had not reported him to remove him, I would not it would never end. I understood that if I did not do something concrete, my children would grow up with the false belief that what they were experiencing was normal and I was afraid of losing them, seeing the alarming ways in which they reacted to the situation and the depriving context in which they they found. I was afraid of not being able to be free anymore ».
How did he get help?
“My friends and my civil lawyer kept telling me that this whole situation was serious and unsustainable. I knew it, I felt it and I felt bad, but I was trapped, I didn’t know how to get out of this devastating circle. They insisted that I go to a refuge, but it seemed out of place to me, I thought I didn’t need such help. It was very difficult for me to become aware of the violence I was undergoing, so subtle and silent, yet infinitely wearing. In May 2021 I was desperate, I could no longer put the shadow of a stake against my ex-husband; I couldn’t manage my children, the younger one hated me because I was “hurting his dad” (so he told me), the older one perceived me as weak, unable to put an end to such a heavy situation. Like a mother unable to protect them. I was desperate. So I made up my mind; I needed help. I called the anti-violence center and I started to open my eyes ».
How did your children take it?
«The oldest was aware of his father’s persecutory attitudes, and therefore when I made the complaint he understood perfectly well why. This awareness of him was of great help to me. I never looked for support from him, I wanted him to finally get out of this ordeal and for him to be 15 again. The little boy did not understand what was happening, why we had to leave our home for months and why he could not see his father. He already hated me before, and with these sudden changes he got into confusion; the social services had not yet received the mandate from the court, so they could act as intermediaries between me and my children, explaining well to both, especially the little one, the reason why they could not see the father and go home . The executioner was always me. Sensation, also this, devastating for me ».
You have focused on training, to take back your life.
«Yes, because I wanted to start building something for myself: I needed it to realize that I was a smart person, capable of committing myself and obtaining good results. And the satisfaction I got from it made me aware of my abilities, made me proud of myself. All sensations that I had absolutely forgotten ».
She managed to find a job in a Milanese company. How important is her work to you now?
«Extremely: it gave me the opportunity to escape from the small shell in which I had locked myself up, to see that there is something else in the world and that life is beautiful. It allows me to take my personal satisfactions, it is a constant test bed to increase my self-esteem – a fundamental thing to work on right now -, to grow, and this gives me peace of mind ».
Why did he wait before interrupting the cohabitation?
“Because I’ve always hoped he could change; that he could understand that there was a psychic problem to deal with. It is a hope that I have cherished for years: I had the impression that my husband was imprisoned in a cobweb that prevented him from being himself. The other determining factor was his manipulation: in one way or another he always managed to make me feel guilty for how I reacted, for how I treated him, for rebelling against his pervasive control while in reality, according to he, it was I who was exaggerating. Unfortunately, he had a good game on me due to my complete lack of confidence and esteem in myself: this led me to question my every thought and certainty, consequently paralyzing my reactions ».
What would you recommend to a woman who is going through the same situation as you?
«To ask for help, not to withdraw into oneself, but to speak. This is the first thing, it is an important step. Unfortunately, becoming aware of psychological violence is very difficult and people like me, who suffer it, do not have that self-confidence to easily realize it and to rebel. It is also essential to have long-term support: the path is long, doubts and anxieties always surface and we need to structure ourselves slowly to face all the difficulties that will arise along the way. I would advise her to hold on until the end, because even if she sees everything black, once she starts the journey, even if she doesn’t believe it, she will begin to see a light. And when she sees her, she will understand that everything she did was absolutely necessary to be able to find herself. “
Source: Vanity Fair
