Sanremo 2023: Gianluca Grignani’s song about his father

He tells his heart, of the father who abandoned him when he was little, of an old phone call in which the parent asked him if he would go to his funeral. On the stage of Sanremo, Gianluca Grignani brings When you’re out of breathan intimate story of his written years ago and re-proposed now.

“Hello Dad or Goodbye Dad
I sing this song to you now
For you to know that I love you the same
And for the rest, everyone judges for himself
This is the only law
Which I know and respect
Do you remember when I told you
That life asks for accounts in the past
Just when you’re out of breath…”

The story of the pain of a son who grew up without a father and how this feeling has transformed over time, also by virtue of having become a father in turn. A theme that touches deeply, which implies a great work of self-analysis and which the psychotherapist is psychotherapist and Mindfulness teacher Caroline Traverso it helps us to understand and decode.

“In a child, the abandonment of a parent generates feelings of inadequacy, distrust and shame which, if not managed promptly and adequately, risk being carried into adulthood and hindering the formation of healthy relationships”, explains the expert. “There are, in fact, two types of abandonment: that emotional and that physicist. Physical abandonment is the most painful and tangible form of emotional abandonment, which is unfortunately much more frequent than one might think. A parent emotionally abandons their child when they don’t realize what they’re feeling, they don’t legitimize it, they don’t help them process it. In other words: She doesn’t show him love, encouragement, and support. There are families that offer everything on a physical level (food, clothing, shelter, medical care), but are unable to accommodate the emotional needs of the little ones, or in any case struggle a lot».

Sometimes, emotional abandonment by a parent is brought about by the fact that he or she is emotionally drained himself. “Perhaps you have to care for a sick person, or are grieving, or have financial problems or other major stressors, which somehow they drain his emotional reserves and the parent ends up being, in spite of himself, too tired to take care of the children», adds Traverso.

“When a parent abandons a child, it is possible that family relationships are characterized by a high degree of conflict and, although not always, there can be problems with addiction and/or mental health,” he points out. “It is possible that the abandoning parent was, in turn, abandoned as a child e never learned the importance of tuning into one’s own and other people’s emotions. Our personal story, however, should never turn into an excuse: becoming an adult means becoming responsible for oneself, possibly by turning to a psychotherapist who can help us do it in the best way possible ».

But be careful: «In a society where the thrust on performance can reach paroxysmal levelsemotional abandonment is sometimes asking too much, placing expectations on children that can make them feel overwhelmed, exhausted and with shattered self-esteem.

What kind of feelings can abandonment by a parent generate when you are a child?
«Children depend on their parents or, in any case, on their caregivers, for the satisfaction of their physical and emotional needs. When a parent turns out to be unreliable or disappears, the child learns that he cannot count on the closeness and support of othersand faith in the possibility of being loved unconditionally breaks down.
It is possible for a child experiencing frequent emotional abandonment or physical neglect from a parent live, as an adult, in constant fear of being abandoned, rejected or betrayed. He may unknowingly choose emotionally unavailable partners, both because this is, after all, the “love” he has known – and with the hope, this time, of giving him a happy ending that can repair his damaged self-esteem – and because he thinks that you don’t deserve better. Shame and the belief that they are wrong and unlovable are frequent in abandoned childrenwho interpret the absence or disappearance of the parent as their fault. An abandoned child tends to think that he has done something wrong, that he is not good or good enoughotherwise the parent would have behaved differently. At that time, in order to gain acceptance, it begins to suppress its most authentic part: to no longer genuinely show what he really feels, thinks or likes, for fear of repercussions. It is no coincidence that some abandoned children grow up to be overly compliant adults who pander to others at the expense of their deepest desires and needs and are afraid to speak their mind for fear of causing displeasure or being a burden. Just as it is no coincidence
that some become perfectionists, in a frantic search for recognition and goals that
can prove that they deserve to be loved.

What is an abandoned child likely to “learn”?
«That in order to be accepted and loved, he cannot make mistakes, have needs, be vulnerable or express disagreement. And living with suppressed emotions can lead to depression, anxiety or the need to anesthetize through drugs or alcohol.

Is there a difference whether it is the mother or the father?
«Today the maternal code, to which we can associate words such as care, nourishment,
care, and the paternal code, more oriented towards emancipation and learning to be
in the world, do not necessarily adhere to the sex of the parents. Applies to families with
heterosexual parents as well as, evidently, for the rainbow families.
What is certain is that those who emotionally abandon, renouncing the assumption of fundamental functions
for the growth of the child, it causes them all to weigh on the other parent.
Furthermore, the absence of one of the two parents prevents the child from experimenting with models of
different relationships that favor its growth: the relationship with mom, the relationship with
dad, and the moments in which mom and dad interact with each other and the child learns to do
company”.

Does the way of interpreting this gesture change depending on whether you are still young or already a teenager?
“We need the presence of parents both in childhood and adolescence, but given that a child’s emotional and physical dependence is almost total, abandonment has more profound effects on him. When dealing with abandonment with a child under ten, we might say, “I know you’re sad because you don’t see mom/dad anymore. Sometimes adults make bad choices because they are unhappy and thus hurt others”. When talking to a pre-teen or a teenager, we might say: “I can’t really know how you feel, but I see that sometimes you are happy and other times you are sad. I’m here if you want to talk”.

Can it be equated to a sort of “mourning”?
«It is a loss with the aggravating circumstance that often the child or adolescent blames himself. For this, it is necessary to reassure them that they are not wrong and that they are loved, while avoiding destroying the image of the parent who is gone, which should be described as a person who made a wrong choice due to his personal problems, not demolished. It is equally important that an abandoned child be reassured by the remaining parent that they remain a family, that he can freely express what he feels and that he can count on him. To do all this, the help of a psychotherapist can prove to be fundamental.

How do you process the abandonment of a father?
«It is important that those who have been abandoned can really believe, even better feel, that it wasn’t his faultthat one or both parents’ failure to care for her emotional needs is their failure, not hers. A psychotherapeutic work could be useful in supporting those who have experienced this trauma in recognizing and expressing their needs without fear of repercussions, and taking care of their emotional world in the best possible way. The situation can be especially problematic if the remaining parent also struggles to be emotionally present and to transmit security, trust and love to the child, for the reasons outlined above».

Is it right to look for a parent when you are an adult?
«It’s right to do what you feel, without forcing it».

Sanremo 2023: Gianluca Grignani and the relationship with his children (who he does not see)

When is it time to consult a child psychologist?