Selena Gomez: “I’m still traveling”

This article is published in number 47 of Vanity Fair on newsstands until November 22, 2022

When Selena Gomez began filming her 2016 tour, then abruptly interrupted, she certainly didn’t imagine that the feature film she would make of it would become what is her most intimate project to date: “The documentary has taken on a life of its own”, says the artist. In six years, what was originally simple material shot during his tour revival it turned into Selena Gomez: My Mind & Me, an unfiltered look at the pop star’s journey to achieving sanity, which recently debuted on Apple TV+. “There was no elaborate plan to capture those private parts of my life. It is something that has taken shape along the way».

The origins of the documentary go back to 2015 and the sultry music video of Hands to Myselfwhen Aleen, Gomez’s manager since 2014, introduces her to her brother, director Alek Keshishian, best known for the groundbreaking 1991 documentary about Madonna. Truth or Dare and I immediately thought it was one of the most brilliant music documentaries ever made. I’ve seen it seven times. It is a true work of art. They are not the simple shots of a tour and its problems. It is a look at a person’s life, not at all sweetened, but based on love, respect and empathy. I immediately understood », he continues, « that if I ever wanted to make a music documentary, it would be Alek who would direct it ».

The only obstacle? Keshishian had long ago decided not to make any more films about musical personalities. But the charm of Selena Gomez has been convict. “I fell in love with her with her authenticity, with her being vulnerable and true to her. I was expecting a different person, more built, but she wasn’t like that ».

“At the time Madonna was one of the three best known people in the world: there were Princess Diana, Michael Jackson and her,” continues Keshishian. “When he contacted me Selena, the situation was very different. What was revolutionary in Madonna’s time, I think paradoxically isn’t anymore. I can tell that I had no need to see other stars eager to shock or outrage the public. What appears on social media is more than enough for me». What fascinated him was that «girl without any mask. The young woman devoid of malice, unable to build a public image at the table. She doesn’t like her and she’s not part of her DNA. Considering the times we live in, I thought that in this respect you were a truly unique subject.’

Keshishian set only one condition: free access to everything. And he got it. Two weeks into filming for the turbulent tour revival, interrupted after 55 reruns due to Gomez’s bouts of anxiety and depression, the cameras went off. “As you see in the film, things were starting to get a little out of control. It didn’t seem right to continue, I would have been intrusive and I would have disrespected her. It was time to close.”

However, the relationship between the two did not stop and continued over the years, while the singer underwent a kidney transplant, which was necessary to counteract the lupus diagnosed in 2015, and sought a remedy for the bipolar disorder that tormented her. Gomez later decided to restart the documentary project by inviting Keshishian and his crew to film his 2019 humanitarian trip to Africa. “He’s very kind and thoughtful and I totally trust him,” she says. “I usually didn’t even remember him being there. Sometimes he’d be hiding alone in a corner filming with his iPhone ».

The intimacy and trust that Keshishian shares with Gomez – who has shown him her “darkest secrets” through diaries and confidences – are the result of effort and perseverance. “We became friends with Madonna in four days,” says the director. «With Selena the bond was different, I was much older and she considered me above all as a professional. At the beginning I could not have had the relationship with her that was created when she had a lupus relapse and asked me to take over the project again. That took some time.” Keshishian managed to win the trust of even the singer’s inner circle, gaining interviews with her mother, Mandy Teefey, and her best friend, Raquelle Stevens. “When I say it took six years of love, I mean it took six years to sow and then reap.”

The facts tell us that these are not words of circumstance. «Selena», says Keshishian, «she never wanted to enter the editing room. She let me work on the film in complete autonomy ». When she showed her the first two-and-a-half hour version, they both agreed that it wouldn’t be the final version. «She spoke to producers and Apple executives, asking them to give me more time. A huge gift. And she supported me as an artist », she adds. About nine months later, Gomez saw the near-final version and commented, “There’s all that needs to be said.”

Shortly before the film’s release, Keshishian toned down the rumors one inevitably has to factor in when documenting the private life of a character who boasts more than 355 million Instagram followers — more than Beyoncé or Kim Kardashian, for the record. “I decided early on that I was going to avoid a social media approach to Selena’s ‘behind the scenes’ by all means and go deeper,” she says. «Somehow it had to be a more authentic and raw work». The director confesses that he also filmed some of the most exciting events in Gomez’s life, but discarded them in favor of the truest moments. «With all the material shot, we could have easily made a 10-hour docuseries. But I wasn’t making something for her fans. I was trying to tell a story, useful, I hope, even for those who don’t know Selena or her music ».

That meant exploring Gomez’s relationship to her past. “I think the reasons for my depression lie in the mistakes I’ve made,” she says in the documentary. Much of the film is devoted to delving into her childhood in Grand Prairie, Texas, a time in her life that she soon left behind to work in Barney and in other Disney productions. “I thought it was important to show a less complicated passage of my life,” explains Gomez about this choice. “Before I started working at a young age, by all accounts, my childhood was relatively ‘normal’. We didn’t have much, but it never bothered me.”

The theme of mental health, which is the leitmotif of the documentary, finds a moment of particular intensity when Keshishian films Gomez while giving the acceptance speech of the 2019 McLean Award for the promotion of mental health. “I was impressed. I found myself in front of a girl who was starting a recovery process but who had a strong intention to help others», recalls the director. “There was a palpable tension, because to help others you necessarily have to reveal yourself. Thus we see a small fragile being, engaged in a difficult struggle, who wishes with all his might to put his own
experience in the service of others.

The journey towards mental health is an infinitely complicated and never definitively concluded journey. It is for this reason that the film does not close Gomez’s story with a happy ending. “I recently told Selena that the ending of the movie, the real one, she writes it every day she’s alive and doing something,” says Keshishian. «All I care about is that whoever looks at it can find a little inspiration, a little light to get up and remember that it is possible to change the world even if one is destroyed. You don’t have to be a pop star.”

Let’s leave the last word to Gomez: «As nervous as I was about the idea of ​​publishing something so personal, in my heart I felt that the time was right. I hope that sharing my experiences and my difficulties can inspire others to do the same, to open up. And to cultivate the hope that things can and will improve».

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