Tag me, but of kisses to get me: that is, how to “put yourself back on the market” if you are on the “second lap” (but you can’t use apps and social networks)

This entry is posted on number 30-31 of Vanity Fair on newsstands until 29 July 2025.

At 8 we saw Sea flavorat 11 we moved for Beautiful in pinkat 12 we waited to see Dirty Dancingprohibited below 14, then there was Harry, I present you Sally …at 15 Pretty Womanand 19 Four weddings and a funeral. The sentimental education of the fifty -year -olds of today is based on romantic comedies without mobile phones: the time of appointments was pierced, we chased each other in the rain and threw ourselves in the pool without fear of having a device In the pocket, you were years without meeting an ex and not knowing what he had done in the meantime, no photos or chat. “I found an agenda in which I had transcribed the SMS – prehistory – with what would become my husband, the most romantic phrases,” says Francesca, a new separate. “Our latest chats, on the other hand, only had the shopping list … is that for me love has never gone from social networks”. Today, however, 40% of Tinder users (the most common dating app, such as the UN, in 190 countries) is over 30 and for Istat the second (or subsequent) wedding for at least one of the spouses were 44,320, the highest value ever recorded: the Italian fifty -year -olds on the “second lap” increase. They have a long -term relationship behind them, perhaps there are children and, after the elaboration of mourning and efforts, they reappear at the age -old question: who will I pass the rest of my years with? Or even just next weekend? “I went back to the game at 49, after a story of 17,” says Michele. “I had no idea what the female universe was what it was. I signed up for the apps of datingI used less Instagram, even if it has now replaced the exchange of the phone number. I also used Telegram and WhatsApp so much after contacts via Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Facebook dating and so on, because usually the drawing is: app of datingthen chat, then you see each other in person ».

As she said, telling the “circus”, that is, the experience not very happy with the apps of dating: «Who the hell has time for appointments, to skimmer and make up? I have two girls who have to go to school ». Make a mental effort and imagine Charlize Theron “One of us”, beacon of all those who are not at ease on Tinder and the like, or who begin to warn one Fatigue datingtired it after the initial hangover. “By entering the world of digital events it is completely normal to feel uncomfortable,” he explains Vicki Pavitthighly refined dating coach English, which helps people “between 40 and 55 years of age who want a partner but find that the world of appointments is a source of stress, anxiety and frustration”. For Pavitt «The mechanism of swipe It makes it seem more similar to shopping than to the construction of a bond ». And then there is the “emotional chaos”: “A customer had been Love Bombed – flooded with affection at the beginning – e ghost Shortly thereafter. This triggered in her strong feelings of refusal and left her confused, wondering if she had done something wrong. Our intuition does not mind: showing too much affection, and too early, is an alarm bell ». Pavitt suggests using apps with “intention”, following 5 guidelines: clarify their values, those “non -negotiable”; consider apps as a tool to meet people, not as a measure of their value; Change perspective: I will like it? ” to “How do I feel with this person?”; calm down before opening bumble or similar, do not use them when you are hungry, you are angry, alone or tired, and limit the time of swipe 15 minutes a day; Create a profile that really represents us: better to discourage some people than trying to anyone.

Dating apps are just one of the ways to meet people. “Do you know why summer is the moment when new loves are born? Because you change their place, you leave your comfort area and you open to others, “says Laura Pigozzi, psychoanalyst, clinical and legal psychologist, author of Too much family hurts (BUR). “As long as we do not start with the usual group of friends, to play cards … even if, I have to say, the burraco tournaments have become large bridges towards new relationships”. If you let your friends know that you are ready to meet others has not worked, and you have already experienced all the activities that your backs can bear, it is likely that you will end up chatting with someone. And the false steps are there. The most common? “At the beginning we put ourselves as if you were facing a job interview,” explains Pavitt, “asking questions in burst instead of being really present with the other”. Not even Pigozzi is against the “virtual”, which “can become the new” symbolic “, if used well. We have to put our heads, the chat is not a private place, but a public area, however intangible: it seems that there is no screen, but in reality there is an intermediary, and it is not bad. As in a real meeting, at the bar, where we evaluate how the other turns to the waiter, as he speaks, as he uses his hands, as he dresses, in chat we can evaluate a series of expressions ». Before arriving at the conversation via Smartphone Pigozzi recommends a preparatory job: “It is necessary to elaborate the mourning of the relationship, having understood what it is that it has not gone and know a little more who you are”. In particular, “if we talk about women, many have the fear of the body changed, sometimes desire is a little blocked, instead you have to try to live in what I call the new code of desire. We have to know that we are another person: we have a different identity, another body, and we must try to clarify who we are and what we want today, because we don’t want the same partners as yesterday”. If then there is the meeting – you must not indulge in the chat – the second observation starts: “As she is sitting, if you look at the other women, if you have a hesitation at the case …”. Another useful thing is “trying to mentalize the stumbles, the things that do not play us, because in the first meetings we tend to forget what does not come back, in front of a nice pair of green eyes”. In short, social networks are not evil: «I have seen people have long relationships, get married, to have children: it is another social space, where you can meet someone who is not from your lap, who urges you things that you would never have thought before, that changes your idea of romanticism. Which is the real bet of love ».

«The apps of dating I tried them all and for years, “says Michele. “There is the” Tamagotchi “woman who only wants good morning, goodnight, hearts. The encounters, but then the relationship remains on the chat, because it needs constant attention. Then there is the insecure, which after the first appointment asks you only if you liked it, looking for confirmation. And then there are those who get closer, with which you may pass the threshold of physical contact, but then they retract saying that they do not feel ready, instead of saying in the face that he does not like you enough ». It does not help the fact that you can choose infinite partner, there is always a better “match”. “Some patients report to continue controlling the app, that is, they do not really invest in the relationship started, because the algorithm continues to call you,” says Pigozzi. The other contraindication, for Michele, is illusory intimacy. «With a middle screen it is easier to approach and be intimate, even the first chat. But real intimacy is reached when there is body, when you look in your eyes, sniff you, you touch it ».

To physical intimacy, adolescents almost never pass, as the second season of the podcast explains Boomer is bornjust released, made by Trentino Film Commission and educated image. Very useful to understand how today digital natives use social networks to flirt, and give tips to parents and adults in general on “how to do it”. According to Luca Ferrario, creator of the podcast, there are some things that “limit” the help that Gen Z can give to the most boomer lone hearts. First of all, “they don’t go to the apps of datingbut they begin to flirt from the Instagram stories, then chat on WhatsApp in private or on groups. Some continue like this for months, also doing a lot sextingto then be disappointed by the live encounter, because you feel in a bluff ». However, having a young man at home to ask for advice is always useful, especially after the approach, not just to avoid emoji cringbut to manage the relationship between people and account. «How do you have to find an agreement in telling each other online: can I post our photos together? Can I tag you? Can you put “like” to the photos of others? Do I have to delete the old photos with the ex from the feed? Can you give me the password of your smartphone? Do we share the location? ». And if for a boomer these gestures that undermine privacy are unthinkable, for children it is daily matter. “After all, we adults have accustomed them to geolocalizing them,” comments Pigozzi. «After weeks of exchanges with a younger man, he disappeared, he made me unfollowand has no longer appeared on social media, “says Francesca. «Only thanks to my daughter I managed to understand that it was a fake account. Their generation is more experienced, they know a priori that nobody appears as it really is on social media. He pointed out to me all the signals that indicated the profile fakefrom the number of low followers (he said he did not like social networks) to the branched photos, to the 3 or 4 posts all published in one day, to the blocks. According to my daughter, I flirted for weeks with a teenager ».

“I accompany you step by step to learn to flirt online, authenticly, safely and suitable for your age,” Chatgpt tells you if you ask you to give you advice on how to find love. “You don’t need to jump on Tiktok: there are more suitable spaces,” clarifies immediately. To then mention a series of apps of datingbut also suggest that you often control the comments, to your posts, on Instagram, from which “many flirts are born”. The first messages to break the ice are delicate, never throw a “hello, how are you?”, Too trivial, better a detail of a photo to joke about, without obviously offending. The profile image must be recent, not retouched and not too dark, while, as regards the contents, better not too sexy photos, but “seductive with class”. Then the conversation should take place light and ironic, if you want. Artificial intelligence asks: «If you want, I can help you write your first message, create a captivating profile or analyze a conversation that you have already started. Do you want to do a test? Have you already written to someone but you don’t know how to continue or interpret the answers? You can glue the chat (without personal details) and let’s see together how to proceed ». Now: do it as well, but remember one thing. Probably, on the other hand, there is another chatgpt, ready to respond “in the right way”.

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