The case of footballer Kyle Walker: what lies behind the choice to create a double life (including families)?

Me, him and the other one. A love triangle that we often hear about. We read it in the newspapers, we see it in films, we hear it from friends of friends, it almost never concerns us. Also because we don't know if it concerns us. At least up to a certain point. Then things can change.

The latest story of this kind has the Manchester City full-back as its protagonist Kyle Walker, who for years lived in dualism: two lives, two women. Until one of her picked up the phone and called the other to let her know. Yes because in addition to having two women, Walker had two families. The official one, with his wife Annie Kilner, and the unofficial one with Lauryn Goodman. The first didn't know about the second.
The common denominator, beyond the age of the two partners, both 32 years old, are the children. In fact, the player has 3 children with Kilner, who is also pregnant with the fourth arriving in a few months, and 2 with Lauryn.

A triangle, actually, which is more shaped like a square. According to the updates from the English tabloids, there would be a fourth woman in Kyle Walker's life, a model whose identity is currently unknown. He also told her that he wanted children.

We could talk about polygamy, but this presupposes that the wives know each other about each other. And this was not the case. Walker's, in practice, is a sort of harem.

As long as it doesn't concern us, such a fact is shocking but not too much, the amusement prevails, that slightly perverse taste for intricate gossip, an obsolete story which, precisely as such, entertains those who don't experience it, but who knows how much it harms those directly interested.

Returning to the harem, however, we need to focus on plurality. He who is everywhere is not really anywhere. Because then this is what happens in the stories of fragmented people: they are in multiple places, stories, lives, without being anywhere, in any story and in any life. Not even in theirs, with which they are not in tune. They certainly lack wholeness and are condemned to the impossibility of getting involved, of opening up and exposing themselves in their intimacy. On the other hand, the word intimacy from Latin literally means “to let inside”.

Removed from judgment, we interviewed Ameya Canovipsychotherapist and author of books Of too much love And Of too much (or too little) family. With her we explored the emotionality of those who live with a mask and base their existence on a partial truth, paying, and making people pay, a high price.

What is at the bottom of the emotional sphere of those who cheat, leading to having two parallel lives?
«There is an underwater world, an authorization to live multiple lives as a entitled person. The origin can be attributed to a deficiency or excess coming from the family: too much and too little create the same result. A child may have grown up under the illusion of having the right to a preferential lane and therefore goes out into the world to ask for anything thinking he can do it, even at the cost of trampling on others. Or he may have grown up in a situation of famine and emotional or affective deficiency, and therefore he will authorize himself to compensation, indulging in irregular experiences because it is not the scale of values ​​that takes precedence but the need for revenge, redemption or confirmation. He does it by using the other, the lover, as emotional ATM. So “the traitor” seeks emotional supply outside his own couple rather than putting an end to it. As uses betrayal with recharging to keep the precarious stability of a relationship that is now dead in balance».

Can this “malfunction” be resolved?
«The malfunction is only seen as such from the outside. A person allows himself to have parallel lives, to have a harem, because he thinks he can. Rarely if we question these people do they perceive themselves as malfunctioning; they always have a reason: “I needed it“, “I was too sick“, “the situation got out of hand“, “I didn't know how to tell him“. There is always an excuse. Obviously, you can always learn to “function” in a more linear way, perhaps through therapy. But this profound work must start from awareness, which is often lacking.”

Do they really know how to love people who have this hunger for affection, for revenge, for recognition?
«Having this poorly defined self – in psychology it is called “false self” – these people have a facade identity, but inside they very often don't know who they are. They feel the need to rely on more situations and fill themselves from the outside. Warning: it is a need that will never be filled. Because these are individuals who are not in tune with their own experiences and therefore these stories do not have so much to do with love but with a need to satisfy themselves. However, hunger is often insatiable.”

Why, in your opinion, did the “unofficial” wife decide to speak to the “official” wife and do justice to the truth?
«A lover can “settle”, confident that sooner or later she will become the official woman, but up to a certain point. At first glance it might seem like a desire for revenge, in reality it is probably a gesture that hides a much deeper need: that of legitimizing oneself, restoring dignity to what has been. Even to her children.”

And now that the truth has come out?
«Everyone will have to bring their own painful experience to therapy. The two women will have to deal with what they will be able to do, since it will be difficult to be able to talk about forgiveness. All the actors in this story will have to ask themselves why they ended up in a triangle in which there is no love but on one side the desire to win, on another the attempt to “fill oneself up”, on the other still not wanting to see. They are stories of fragmented people, who tried to stand on their own feet using an emotional crutch, represented by a relationship that went well for them. Obviously, more or less, but this is not the time to find victims and executioners, but to go further and focus on one's own rebirth. For everyone, it will be about rebuilding their lives.”