The signs of disparity in couples that exes Francesco Totti and Ilary Blasi also show us

Released a few days ago Netflix, the documentary in which Ilary Blasi tells her truth about the end of her marriage with Francesco Totti, Uniqueis predictably sparking an endless series of comments.

The presenter tells in detail how the former footballer, from one moment to the next, became unfriendly and for months he didn’t explain to her why. When reason came out – Ilary would have had a coffee at a boy’s house with a friendwithout telling him anything – everything suddenly collapsed.

Ilary Blasi declares that Totti had started checking his cell phoneand in fact the former footballer had already said it, in December 2022, in an interview with Aldo Cazzullo for the Corriere della Sera: «I had never done it in twenty years, nor had she ever done it with me. But when I received warnings from different people, whom I trust, I became suspicious. I looked at her cell phone.”

After the check comes the ban, and it’s halfway through Unique that Ilary Blasi pronounces decisive words: «He puts me in front of a choice. And he says to me: “to ensure that I can trust you again, you must never see Alessia again, you must delete yourself from all social networks, change your number, and then stop working“». Totti feels insecure, and to regain security he first controls his wife’s communications without her knowing, and then imposes a ban.

Control already indicates a loss of trust and a violation of the person’s dignity: I don’t believe in you, so I have to take away your freedom in exchange for my safety. But since it already indicates that something isn’t working, it can never be truly effective. This is why the control is almost always followed by a ban: unsubscribe from social media, stop seeing your friends, stop working.

The paradox of these actions, then, is that they seem aimed at restoring trust and saving the marriage, but in reality they are doing the opposite: they are destroying the pact of fidelity, which does not have much (or only) to do with adultery, but with respect for the dignity of the other person. For those who control, the requests seem like a legitimate way, and almost the only possible way to return to how things were before. It all depends on the other person’s ability to prove themselves above suspicion and willing to give up everything. Whoever controls is not at fault, and her behaviors – in this case, his betrayals towards her – are completely invisible, irrelevant in the balance of the couple.

If the one between Ilary Blasi and Francesco Totti was a symbolic, admired and privileged couple, their breakup shows us that you can also be a rich, famous, independent woman, but a relationship needs awareness and the ability to dialogue, and these cannot come only from you. And you too, like thousands of other women of all ages, may be asked to trade your freedom for your partner’s insecurity and need for control. Finding yourself, perhaps, even just for a moment, considering that perhaps it is also worth giving up on yourself because he says he is not as strong as you, as mature as you, as able as you to trust, to believe in yourself, to face situations of crisis. Since you are more, then you are also able to make yourself smaller.

If there are still dark sides to this story, e.g Unique represents only Blasi’s point of view, it is also true that what he tells appears as very recognizable, and it is no longer possible to pass it off as normal behavior, due to too much love, or weakness.

Underlining this is important, at least for one point: the one between Blasi and Totti has always appeared as a rather traditional couple, and in fact describes an example of a recurring dynamic in relationships. A few days ago Istat published the first results of the survey on Gender stereotypes and social image of violence 2023which offers a general Italian picture: the data shows a lower tolerance of physical violence in couples, but there is still 10.2% of those interviewed, especially young people, who declare that they accept a man’s control over his wife’s/partner’s communication (cell phone and social media). The data is also worrying for young people, a sign that that type of control is still considered legitimate or even a symptom of great love.

We really need to talk about equal relationshipsin which problems are not hidden, but can be addressed by talking, putting one’s emotions into play, without thinking that controls and bans are ever justifiable.