Valeria Graci: “When he told me” you are worth nothing “and I believed it”

“Elegance and truth”. Valeria Graci he asks to be able to summarize in just two words the impulses that, over the years, have been the driving force of his every action. “I’ve never yelled on television. I never wanted to exploit or make a show of anything of my private life, neither the joys nor the pains », he explains. “This is because I have always loved concentrating on my work, defining myself as a show worker, having the strength to remain myself”: faithful to a woman that family and friends do not struggle to recognize.

“I’m surrounded by the same people as always, I’m Valeria who was in school, I’ve had the same friends for twenty-five years and none of them do my job.” The comedian says it with enthusiasm, aware of how many difficulties fame can bring. There is awareness, in his words, the awareness of having been able to keep his feet firmly on the earth. And there is, at times, a hint of bitterness. Because that same stubbornness that kept her anchored to the affections of all time turned into a double-edged sword, in the moment of need, he decided to denounce the man with whom he believed he would spend the rest of his life: “Three children, a dog, a house in the country.” “TO very true, I have decided to make my story public “by tearing the veil under which still resides verbal, psychological violence, that form of abuse that consumes you inside, without others outside seeing the signs. «My confidentiality, my strength in the private sector, has caused many to be amazed. The public did not expect that someone like me could have lived a story common to many women. But those women and I are no different. All of this needs to be brought back to normal. Violence affects everyone. I was just a little bit luckier than the others. “

Why does he talk about luck?
«Because I am fully aware of how much my family and friends have helped me. I then had the opportunity to undertake a path of analysis. And, believe me, this is a fortune that not everyone has. By all, I don’t just mean those who are dealing with a toxic relationship, but those who choose to embrace their sexual tastes, to go against the grain, against what the family would like. “

When did you realize you had to ask for help?
“Almost immediately. Me and my partner, father of my son Pierluigi (“Pigi”, he will call him from here on, ed), we separated in the spring of 2018, but I began to sense that our relationship was taking an unhealthy, not right direction at least two years ago. In this period of time, I have had a lot of help ».

And he was not “ashamed” in asking.
“Perhaps, at first, I felt a bit of shame. Then, thanks to the analysis and a great friend, Ornella, my guru and second mother, I threw everything out. I threw it up on the phone, in tears, I left it in the cigarette packets emptied in the car, hysterically ».

What is this “everything” he speaks of?
«A progressive worsening of the relationship. At a certain point, I almost began to believe that it was normal: that being told “You are not worth a shit”, “Without me you will not go anywhere”, “You are nobody”, “You will come crawling back” was right, it was real. I started to convince myself that I couldn’t do it alone. I asked myself this every day: “Will I make it?”. Nobody, however, can have an answer ».

How did you come to break the vicious circle of verbal abuse?
“In small steps, over the years. I had a mother who was able to cheer me up, to push me. I’ve had friends and a whole host of other bearings, I like to call them that. When you fall and do it on pillows, some bigger, some smaller, soften the blow. In recent years, I have done this: I have softened the blow. And I’m happy, because I tried, because despite everything I tried to save my family. I tormented myself thinking of my son, without a father. I wondered if I would be able to raise him, if he would suffer, if the money would be enough. Accept unhappiness or leap into the void: I had to choose. But emptiness, what you don’t know, generates fear. Real fear, the kind of fear that keeps you awake at night, causes you panic attacks. ‘

Still, she has come to choose the unknown. Like?
“Pigi. I owe my son the discovery of my strength. As a mother, there comes a time when you realize you would be willing to kill for your baby. I realized that I couldn’t go on like this. Arguing in the morning at six, with my Pigi pretending to sleep. I would have been right. I took courage in both hands: it was devastating, but adrenaline-pumping ».

She separated.
“We weren’t married. We had our son because we wanted him so much. It was a great love, at the beginning, and perhaps because of this there was so much pain. I will always thank my former partner for being my son’s father. But very serious and very serious things happened that I was forced to report. Not only to go to the police station, but to make public what happened, to put it on record. I was attacked and reported. Now justice is dealing with it, which takes a very long time. You wait, you are in the limbo of waiting, and you hope that one day justice will take its course ».

What happened then?
«I stayed in Rome, where I had moved out of love. I rented a small house, the “railway house”, as Pigi and I called it. I wanted my son to finish elementary school and be close to his father. In the meantime, the lawyers and the courts have entered the scene. All this should not happen: we should be socially and emotionally evolved enough to be able to say “It’s over, good life, we will remain parents of a wonderful child”. Instead, we often wish for death, illness ».

And the words then mark.
«They hurt, they stay. They cause unspeakable suffering, which is never worth trying. One should not suffer for anyone. It is true, everything passes in life, but wasted time also passes, and that time never comes back ».

Why is it so hard to tell a story like yours?
«Because psychological violence is not seen. The simplest answer is also the truest one. When it comes to violence, on international days, you always see the lipstick, the bruised eye, the face stained with blood. But “violence” is not just that. And before we get there, to that stuff there, there is a world that is not seen, but it is the antechamber. All women who have been subjected to physical violence have heard at least once: “You are a whore, you are worth nothing, you must not do this or that”. the script is the same for everyone, and is repeated ».

Loneliness, shame, fear of the aftermath are the main deterrents to complaints. How can all this be overcome?
“First of all, it would be necessary that those who speak in the advertising campaigns dedicated to the subject were not well-known faces, who know little about the subject, but the faces of people who have suffered violence. Then, we should start talking about the post-separation: it is a rebirth, and it is essential to be aware of it. Finally, I believe that at least two hours a week of civic education should be included in school ».

Educating children not to commit violence?
“To be respectful and good adults. When I decided to separate, I wondered what example my son would have drawn if I stayed. He would have thought of his mother as a weak woman, unable to seek and ask for happiness. He would make his father’s model his own, and one day propose all this again. Children will be the men and women of tomorrow, we all have a great responsibility in raising and educating them, in pushing them to recognize what is good and what is not. Can I give a trivial example? ».

Please.
«Chiara Ferragni posted on Instagram a photo of herself in her underwear a few days ago. I don’t want to argue whether she is beautiful or not, vulgar or not vulgar. But, below, I read the comment of a person who asked her: “But doesn’t your husband hit you if you do these things? Mine slaps me for much less ”. There. If it were a joke it would be in bad taste, but I have reread it at least ten times and I said to myself that it is not possible and yet it happens, it is true. It is full of such events: they are consumed under our noses and, perhaps, somewhere, we even try to justify them. “But yes, he was angry.” There must be no “he was angry” ».

How did your son take all this?
«He is a very sensitive and selective child. It’s good. When he finished elementary school, we moved to Milan. “Mom, take me by the hand because I want to take the first step here with you”, he told me. I still feel like crying. Not all the books are in order on the bookshelf, if I may use this metaphor, but time has brought some harmony ».

And the job? How hard was it having to always be smiling, funny?
“No one has ever asked me, but it was fundamental. If she had done a “normal” job, I probably wouldn’t have recovered so soon. I remember moments in the dressing room when my face was a mask of tears. My make-up artist admonished me: “We have to go”, she told me. And we went. With fake noses, make-up, a smile and another face mask. This other mask saved me, it was my cure. Had I been an employee, I would have taken leave to stay home and cry. Making a show I had to go on ».

And, with September, the parody of Diletta Leotta a Strip the News. How to balance fun and potential offense?
“I don’t think I’ve ever been vulgar or offensive to anyone. The only one who complained is Michelle Bonev, who warned me asking for an amount of money that I will never have in life. La Leotta is a character that Antonio Ricci asked me for. It always happens like this. Something comes to mind and entrusts it to me. I try to tell him. I’m forty-one now, I can’t walk around with fake asses. But he laughs, he’s a genius. We have fun”.