What does it mean to be polyamorous?

Speaking of relationships, I have always been told that if you really like one person, you don’t even need to look for others. Yet I have often found myself wondering: is it really the only conceivable option? What if I find myself having feelings for several people at the same time?

Growing up in a context where monogamy seems to be the only possible reality to be able to relate to others, I have always seen these other options as problems to be solved and that could not exist within me. The truth is that there are many other ways to live relationships: polyamory is one of them. From the ancient Greek poly, “many”, and from the Latin amor, “love”, is the need, practical and desired, of a person to live several intimate relationships at the same time.

via GIPHY

Two clarifications: being polyamorous doesn’t mean going with anyone (same cliché that pansexual people encounter) and it is not even an “excuse to fuck around”. Just as monogamous people aren’t attracted to just anyone, the same goes for those who have multiple relationships at the same time. Everyone * lives this dynamic with different times and frequencies: it is not certain that a poly person automatically has at least three or four default relationships, precisely because making a relationship, even more than one, does not happen in a snap of the fingers. Above all, every relationship involves dynamics that vary according to the person we are dating, and in turn the needs also vary. The charter of trust is essential: a polyamorous relationship to be considered such requires the consent of all parties involved, otherwise we are simply living a parallel story without the knowledge of the other person (yes, let’s also call them horns). Some polyamorous couples divide lovers between primary or secondary partners, others prefer to avoid as it is not a ranking as to who they love the most.

via GIPHY

But why are so many people so scared of polyamory? We are used from an early age to the idea of ​​a soul mate, the other half of the apple that will complete us and make us happy. We pour all our expectations into that single person (sometimes even before we really know them) and expect the same to happen on the other side. To consider a worthy relationship, we often require you to be the priority, the emotional center of the other * and vice versa. The option that other people are involved can send us into a tailspin and collapse the certainty that only us exist in the thoughts of the person we love.

Polyamorous people instead welcome the idea that perhaps the perfect half does not really exist, and that to feel good, we can enrich ourselves with the stimuli and influences of more people. How we choose to live relationships is an extremely personal dynamic, there is no better method than the other, but perhaps whether it is polygamy or monogamy, we could begin to welcome the idea that we are imperfect human beings, and that the partner of our dreams will most likely have shortcomings in turn and will not be able to fully satisfy us. We could welcome the idea that feeling interest or curiosity also towards other people, whether it turns into a relationship or not, is a possible possibility in our path and that if done in mutual respect, there is nothing to be ashamed of or really feel guilty about. Above all we may begin to recognize that maintaining a relationship is complicated, but it can help to open up to each other, giving us the opportunity to make ourselves vulnerable and without projecting our insecurities onto the other, through dialogue and understanding. Vulnerability is scary but it can become a power, whether with one or more people.