What drives some people to sabotage other people’s relationships

It happens or has happened to everyone, that of expressing a unsolicited opinion on someone else’s relationship: we do it with who we know, or if this is not the case, we have done it at least once, watching for example programs like Men and women or Temptation island.

But if in this case it is a pleasure to bet on who are the couples who will survive the summer crush or who will not even be able to overcome the commercial break, in many other cases instead pontificating or acting like Jiminy Cricket about loves or relationships, it is not fun , at least for those who receive comments or misplaced advice.

In the best of these cases, the interested parties have received them directly from those who had these thoughts, but how many times has it happened to learn of disapproval or gossip “by hearsay”? And how many times the malicious comments came from family or close friends?

All this pollutes, not only the relationships of friendship or kinship, but also the one under the observation lens. Because we are not all strong enough – in ourselves or in our feelings – to shrug and carry on as if nothing had happened: if our mother or our best friend doesn’t accept our partner, this makes us think. And it hurts.

Why then some people they love to “hate” the love of others? What leads them to criticize or judge regardless? Science has wondered about it and tried to give some answers. The psychologist spoke about it Brian Collisson of Azusa Pacific University, California, on the site PsychologyTodayHere’s what was discovered.

Hate the love of others

Relationships are personal and intimate, but no relationship is an island: the couple system is integrated into a wider system that includes family and friendswho may often say or act (even unintentionally) in ways they might affect the duration of a relationship or even the beginning.

The reasons why can someone disapprove of a relationship from those they love? The most diverse: sincere concern, experience gainedbut also and above all, unfortunately, their own prejudices.

To give an example, it is real that the interracial relationships are increasingly accepted socially, but a recent study conducted by professor Byron Miller and colleagues, published in the Journal of Family Issues, shows that American college undergraduates have less likely to form an interracial relationship when their family frowns on such ties.

Relational interference: why do it?

Some people, it seems, fail to interact empathically and compassionately (that is, understanding the reasons without judging them) with the relationships of others. But not only some they can’t help but interfere in the bond: a survey carried out by Susan Sprechera professor of anthropology at Illinois State University, for example, revealed that 56% of college students have interfered in someone else’s relationship with the intention of breaking up the relationship.

In another research study published by the Journal of social and personal relationships, Brian Collisson and colleagues interviewed family members and friends of people who were in relationships they disapproved of. They asked them to share i their antisocial personality traits, including how much they were narcissists and sadists.

Narcissism and sadism: what are they?

A clarification is needed to better understand the results of the study: the narcissism refers to one excessively grandiose self-view. Highly narcissistic people tend to think their intelligence, attractiveness, skills, and abilities are off the charts, and tend to be astute and socially adept.

The sadisminstead, it refers to feeling joy or pleasure when inflicting pain on someone else. Highly sadistic people tend to be cruel, brutal, and often gravitate towards violent sports and video games.

The degrees of investment and subsequent commitment in a relationship

Before analyzing the results of Collisson’s study, it is necessary to make a premise. According to investment modelcouples are usually very committed to their relationship when three things happen.

• When they are satisfied: the more the couple system satisfies each other’s needs, the more likely it is that the two involved will remain in the relationship.
• When there are also material investments: the more couples invest in themselves and their assets, such as being together for a long time or sharing a mortgage, the more they tend to be committed to the relationship.
• When they perceive alternatives to the relationship as unattractive: When those in a relationship think their current partner is the best they can have, they tend to put more effort into the relationship. Conversely, if being single or starting a new relationship with someone else feels like better options, he tends to be less committed.

But can disapproval from the inner circle really undermine a relationship?

The results reported by Collisson and colleagues revealed that i family members with highly narcissistic traits they had more likely to interfere in a couple’s relationship, undermining each of the three predictors of engagement. In practice, narcissistic family members, perhaps thinking they knew better, tended to try to satisfy the relative’s emotional needs before their partner even had a chance. They also tended to limit the couple’s investment opportunities and spoke of attractive singles and rivals.

The sadistic friends they did the same: specifically, they hated their friend’s partner so much that they interfered in the relationship, hoping to break up the couple.

Some signs that you are dealing with people who want to spoil the couple

So beware: when family members or friends they refusefor instance, to invite your partner at dinner or point out how much it would be better your life if you date someone else, your relationship could take a turn for the worse.

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