Talking about betrayal within a couple immediately makes one think of clandestine relationships. Yet there is another form of betrayal: financial infidelitya behavior that can undermine the solidity of the relationship with partner and that sometimes it can have even more bitter consequences of sexual infidelity.
What is meant by financial infidelity? Normally this term indicates one series of behaviors several that can go from doing shopping sprees without the partner’s knowledge to the lie about your salary until even more serious actionshow keep long-standing debts hidden or steal money from the account of the partner.
Behaviors that don’t seem to be that rare. According to a recent survey from US News & World Report almost the 30% of couples involved reported dealing with financial infidelity, while about a third of the sample said they “keep their purchases secret from their partner”. Another study of 2015, reported by the Daily Mail, then found that one in five people lied to their partner about their earnings and one in four about their expenses.
“Money can be considered the realization of how much and how a person invests in the couple relationship and for the good of the same – explains the doctor Elena Campaninipsychologist of Humanitas Psico Medical Care in Monza – The kind of investment and sharing often and willingly is at the basis of a pact agreed since the couple plans and engages in a sharing of intentions, of spaces and life in common and in the construction of the dimension of “we”. Each partner brings with him, in addition to the couple model of the family of origin, also the way of managing money and who manages it. It is not always easy to find an agreement and a communion of purpose in this regard and often this theme can be reason for the first quarrels or “obtorto collo” acceptance, which are then attacked or stealthily boycotted with behavioral acts, of which the lie is the cover. Even in the marriage contract, in fact, the sharing or separation of assets is one of the conditions that are reported in the documents and, in any case, it is envisaged that both spouses participate according to their possibilities in the “we” project ».
Therefore, there can be different causes at the basis of financial infidelity. “It can be a excessive hyper control of one partner over the otherwhich also passes from the management of money – explains the psychologist – but also be the spy for more serious problems how parallel livesextramarital affairs, premeditations of separations without the knowledge of the partner or even severe substance addiction or behavioral conditions such as drug addiction, gambling, compulsive shopping, sexual addiction, and severe personality disorders, often not known, underestimated or tolerated by the partner. It is quite frequent, in fact, that the discovery of the lie on the economic level is followed by other bitter discoveries about the lying partner. The discovery of “betrayal” is never accidental, but it happens, as the psychoanalyst Aldo Carotenuto writes in his essay Love and Betray, when the other’s eyes are able to see and can withstand the impact. At that point the crisis of the couple, a crisis that is often overlooked even for years, becomes evident ».
If getting to lie about money matters can be considered the indicator of a problem already present within the couple, we must consider that it is a dynamic that can also concern the most close-knit partners.
«The overview can be very varied – explains the psychologist – In any case to understand the reasons for financial infidelity, it is essential to examine the history of the couple starting from its birth. Being close couples, however, does not make you immune from the financial lie “.
Whatever the source of the problem, what seems to be certain is that keeping your partner in the dark about money matters can be important repercussions on the well-being of the couple.
“Lying about money within the couple is in my opinion to be considered a sign of crisis or at least an event that attests to an imbalance of” weights “within the couple – explains Dr. Campanini – The financial lie on this front it’s a divestment signal on the relationship, not to mention in some cases a real “attack” on the same, to the advantage of the individual dimension, which can also include money and financial interests. Of course, it is then a question of seeing the extent of the fact but it remains certain that a financial infidelity must be taken as an “alert” not to be underestimated, both for the couple and for each of the partners who are part of it. Even in the best of cases, in fact, it is the a sign that trust in the other has failed to the advantage of distrust, which will then be difficult to reconstruct on both sides e it will always leave a shadow of doubt towards the partner“.
A survey conducted by the extramarital dating site Ashley Madison it also revealed that more than half of the people who cheat, as many as 52%, believe they are financial infidelity just as serious if not worse than the sexual one.
“It can be more serious than carnal betrayal because it concerns the sphere of both subsistence and values – explains the psychologist – Confidence fails, leaving room for mistrust and distrust. The “we” pact that is based on trust also fails. Money is generally the result of work, energy investment and commitment and is the basis of subsistence, autonomy and well-being. If it is invested in giving life to “we” it means depriving oneself of it personally for the common good. Discovering that there is no reciprocity and moreover in secret is to be considered a real one betrayal of the intent of “we”. This can be even more raw when there are particularly unbalanced economic conditions of individuals or in the presence of children“.
In light of all of this, good habits exist for to maintain a healthy relationship with money within the couple? Reportedly at the CNBC by financial literacy expert Dominique Broadway, Partners Should constantly carve out time to spend together with financial mattersconsulting the bills together, perhaps, and writing down expenses and income so as to review them together.
“If we only talk about money, I would say that we can trust in the possibility of being autonomous from an economic point of view – concludes the psychologist – so that any” damage “does not jeopardize the existence and autonomy, which are the basis of the decision-making power of anyone. If instead we want to see the money as a resource investment metaphorit is important to do so that the couple is always an asset worth investing inwithout hoping that he will live on income ».
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Source: Vanity Fair
