When you hate your best friend’s boyfriend

You know those parents who make sure their children always have the best by thinking they know first what is good for them and what is not? Here, with my closest friends I become like this.I would always like them to make those choices that from the height of my wisdom and in my humble opinion will only benefit their life.

But the field in which I become a Swiss Guard is a specific one: who they get engaged to. From the outside you will be able to observe the partners of your friends from a privileged perspective: the spark has taken off, but you manage to make your way between butterflies in the stomach and eyes lined with ham, seeing that person even outside the love nest. Let’s cut it short: what if your friend’s new boyfriend is unbearable?

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When the people closest to us get engaged, there is a risk that they will prioritize that relationship, taking away time or at least sharing your friendship with a newcomer. We go down the ladder of priorities, or if nothing else, we have to share the podium with another person who assumes the appearance of a usurper, who has suddenly come to ruin everything. But is that person really stupid or are we jealous?

It must be said that sometimes partners turn out to be undeniably adorable, and despite our best efforts, we struggle to want them to harm. But often the two things go hand in hand: the natural jealousy that occurs when your friends get engaged is fueled and amplified when the new partner is also a certified idiot. Become our scapegoat: not only has he come to take time away from our friendship, but he’s also cute as a nail gun in his pants. We feel validated by being pissed off and believing that person is a waste of time in our friend’s life. It deserves better, it deserves more.

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What’s now? Do we shout out what we think and urge her to leave it on the spot or do we shut up forever? Each option has its side effects: saying everything that goes through your head risks putting the other on the defensive, she can feel attacked and hurt both towards her own choices and towards the person she is in love with. Do not say anything, on the contrary, it makes us feel false and under censorship, accumulates annoyances and resentments that will only grow larger over time, and above all it does not make us feel good friends because they are not sincere. The ideal would be a balance between these two possibilities, without exaggerating on one side or leaning too far on the other, but I would lie to tell you that it is a health walk. Sincerity is important but often overrated and inappropriate. Unless the new boyfriend turns out to be objectively dangerous and toxic to his health (in that case a shock intervention is needed without justifications!) the truth is that our friend (and I speak in the feminine because I think about my personal experience, but it applies to females, males, everyone in between!) she is free to welcome whomever she wishes into her life, evaluate if the game is worth the candle without being liable to anyone *, least of all to us. Because if it’s already unnerving when your mom tells you what’s right or wrong for you, let alone when a friend does.

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We watch over them, we stay by their side and we understand when it is appropriate to express our opinion and when we can very well keep it to ourselves, getting the timing right and the right context right. If we really can’t trust their partners, we trust our friends and their ability to recognize what is right or wrong in their life, without monitoring every daily action, but remembering that they can always count on our presence, even more than on our opinions.