Why are people relating less?

Love can mean many things to different people: sex, partnership, thoughtful gestures. But on all those fronts, it seems to me that love is on the wane in America, so I wrote a Valentine’s Day column on the subject.

The percentage of Americans without a steady relationship has increased by 50% since 1986. Americans are less likely to have sex than at any time since 1989. Fewer Americans are celebrating Valentine’s Day now than in the late 2000s.

This decline is not just about the pandemic, as the downward trend was happening before 2020.

So, what is happening? I wanted to find out if love is really dead—and if so, who killed it?

That’s why I decided to delve into this week’s episode of my podcast, “Margins of Error.”

What I discovered is that love is not necessarily dead. It’s just presenting itself in different ways than before. If you look around you will quickly see that the yearning for love and romance is manifesting itself in different ways these days. One of those places is in entertainment.

Just look at the number of reality shows dedicated to dating that have launched in recent years: “Marriage Blind”, “Love on the Spectrum”, “Marriage Indiana” and more. Heck, there’s a show where people even put on ridiculous prosthetics and go on dates. It’s called “Sexy Beasts”.

A fictional show whose popularity I experienced was “Bridgerton”. They hold these balls for fans of the show, and I went to one. I didn’t dress in period clothes, as I was reporting. Still, it was quite an experience, even though I didn’t know what was happening half the time.

Romance novelist Adriana Herrera, author of “A Caribbean Heiress in Paris” and “American Dreamer,” credits “Bridgerton” for promoting love. The plot “definitely went a long way toward resetting (romance) into consciousness,” she told me. “People have gone for romance because in the end, you’re guaranteed to be happily ever after.”

“Perhaps expectations of how romance can be and feel may differ” now compared to past decades, Herrera said. Society these days is much more accepting of different types of relationships, and the media is doing a better job of reflecting “asexual people, queer people, people who are in interracial relationships,” she said.

The real reason people are putting off marriage may be, as Herrera suggested, because they have higher standards for potential partners.

And some data support this idea. Only 44% of millennials (born between 1981 and 1996) were married in 2019, compared to 53% of Generation X (born between 1965 and 1980), 61% of baby boomers (born between 1946 and 1964), and 81% of Generation X. Silent (born between 1928 and 1945) at a comparable age, according to a 2020 analysis of US census data from the Pew Research Center.

A previous Pew report found that about two-thirds of millennials hope to get married someday, but about a quarter said they haven’t found someone with the qualities they’re looking for.

Declining partnership rates are also having a ripple effect on other aspects of love, such as sex. A 2021 study, for example, identified the decline in relationships as a major factor in why young adults are having less sex compared to previous decades.

They also found that an increase in computer games and drops in income and alcohol consumption also explained part of the decline in sexual activity. Another potential cause that I bet many of you are thinking about: dating apps.

Relationship expert Monica O’Neal, a psychologist in Boston, said the people who run these apps “have zero interest in whether or not people actually find relationships. Their main goal is to keep people on the apps because that’s how they make money.” She noted that “what happened is that they created a culture that really drives people not to invest the time to get to know anybody.”

A 2019 study found that online dating has also become the primary way heterosexual couples meet — and, let me state the obvious here, that was before the pandemic. The popularity of dating apps has only increased since 2019.

Love them or hate them, they’re here to stay a little while longer.

Zach Stafford, former director of content for gay dating app Grindr, said the apps can be a good thing, especially for groups that have historically been discriminated against.

“Apps allowed there to be protection for queer people to exploit,” Stafford told me during the podcast.

“It is also allowed for people who think they are straight or queer to safely explore their own sexualities in safe spaces without having to go to a physical place.”

Of course, maybe it’s all as simple as people just wanting to be single. How much can this play a role?

I’ll end by saying that for all those people who crave romance, the last few months have taught me that sometimes you just don’t know when lightning is going to strike. Keep your heart open.