Why do some people become stalkers of their exes?

Stalking: although in Italy it exists since 2009 a law aimed at preventing this crime, the phenomenon is still growing. Some data: according to the Italy 2021 Eurispes reportthe 9.3% of Italians (about one in 10) it was victim of stalking. As expected, the women they suffer persecutory acts three times more than men (14% vs 4.5%), with a very young age of the victim, between 18 and 24 years. Unfortunately the phenomenon is increased by 1.4% compared to 2020: a reversal of the trend compared to 2019 in which there was a significant decrease in cases.

A reality to deal with and to find a solution to, therefore. But to do this, we must also try to understand what the mechanisms that trigger it may be. A recent article by the therapist Jocelyn Bélanger and collaborators, published in the December 2021 issue of the Journal of personalityexamines the causes of stalkingincluding the obsessive passion and the fear of abandonment.

What is stalking

Let’s start with the basics: what is stalking? Also called obsessive relational intrusionrefers to “one pattern of repeated and unwanted attention and contact by a partner who causes fear or concern for their own safety or that of someone close to the victim ‘. Most often, stalking is done by a ex partner (for example, ex-husband, ex-girlfriend …).

To understand it better, a distinction must also be made between the passions romantic type: that harmonious is that obsessive. In the first case, the romantic behaviors of the two components of the couple are freely chosen; moreover, the romantic relationship is in harmony with other aspects of their life (for example, work, school). While in the second case, for the obsessively passionate individual, self-esteem depends on the relationship, so the romantic relationship dominates her life, resulting in neglect or even abandonment of other important areas.

Stalking: studies to better investigate the phenomenon

To examine the link between passion type and stalking, four studies were conducted recently.

Study 1: obsession is the basis of stalking

In this study, 223 participants (including 114 men) were involved, with an average age of 35 years, of which 85% heterosexual, whose relationships with their ex-loving partner had an average duration of 4.4 years.

To measure romantic passion, participants were asked to complete a scale of values ​​from the perspective of the ex, specifically by answering questions such as “Does my relationship with my partner allow me to have a variety of experiences?” and “Do I have an almost obsessive feeling for my partner?”.

To measure the experience of abuse, participants were asked: “Have you ever perceived your ex as psychologically or physically abusive towards you?”

Finally, to measure the degree of obsessive relational intrusion, a behavioral scale was used, which includes “pursuit tactics”, such as excessive communication attempts (for example, message bombardment) and face-to-face encounters; and “aggressive tactics”, such as surveillance, trespassing, harassment, threats and actual violence.

Using this study, it was empirically shown how harmonious passion was negatively linked to the use of aggressive tactics and abuse, while obsessive passion was at the base.

Study 2: Fear of abandonment is another trigger for stalking

In this study, 232 participants (of which 101 men) were involved, with an average age of 38 years, of which 85% heterosexual. Of these, 50% are married, 22% live together and 21% have a serious relationship; 4.8 years is the average length of the current romantic relationship.

With this study, the scientists wanted to investigate romantic passion, the degree of commitment, satisfaction and investment in the relationship, the quality of the alternatives (ie “My needs for intimacy‚ companionship … could easily be satisfied by another partner “), the degree of fear of abandonment and obsessive relational intrusion.

The results showed that the fear of abandonment was the common thread between the obsessive passion and the desire to devote oneself to stalking.

Study 3: Obsession and fear of abandonment are linked

In this study, 423 participants (including 225 men) were involved, with an average age of 39 years, of which 89% heterosexual. Of these, 54% are married, 19% live together and 23% have a serious relationship; 5 years is the average length of the current romantic relationship.

Participants were randomly assigned to tasks intended to produce harmonious passions or obsessive passions. They were told, “You write about a time when your relationship with your partner was in harmony with other activities in your life and your relationship allowed you to have a variety of experiences.” Or, “You write about a time when you had an obsessive feeling for your partner and had a hard time controlling your need to see him.” Obsessive passion, harmonious passion, fear of abandonment, willingness to use pursuit tactics, and the importance of the romantic partner to the person were then assessed.

Result? Those with an obsessive passionate mindset experienced more fear of abandonment, which was also linked to the use of pursuit tactics and aggressive tactics.

Study 4: those who fear abandonment tend to be more aggressive and “controlling”

In this study, 379 participants (of which 203 men) were involved, with an average age of 39 years, of which 91% heterosexual. Of these, 59% are married, 17% live together and 21% have a serious relationship; 5.1 years is the average duration of the current romantic relationship.

Participants were assigned two conditions: “fear of abandonment” and “no fear of abandonment”. They were instructed to describe “a period in which [non] they were afraid of losing their partner’s love and when your partner was out of sight, [non] they were worried that he or she might be interested in someone else ”.

The results showed that with respect to the condition “no fear of abandonment”, individuals in the “fear of abandonment” condition were more willing to use aggressive tactics.

Conclusion

“Stalking is a widespread problem – comments the psychologist Arash Emamzadehauthor of the report on Psychology Today – and being the victim of stalking can have serious consequences, such as health disordersdepression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and substance abuse.

Coming to a conclusion examined on the four studies, we can say that the cause why people with an obsessive passion for the partner engage in stalking is a ‘intense fear of abandonment. Not feeling contentment in other aspects of their life, they pour every expectation, every reason for life into the sentimental relationship.

Given how involved they are in the relationship, a breakup could be a serious threat to their self-esteem. This could explain why they become extremely scared of their partner leaving them; and because, as a way to maintain the relationship, they would be willing to practice abuse, aggressive tactics and criminal behavior towards the other ».

But what are the components of stalking, the alarm bells? Here they are listed below, from the least “serious” to physical violence. If even one of these shows up or you have a sense of annoyance about it, talk to someone you trust and in extreme cases, reported.

Other stories of Vanity Fair that might interest you are:

How to report an Instagram profile

Cyberbullying, the dark side of digitization