Widowhood: to rebuild a life after a sentimental bereavement

Rebuild a life, move on, fall in love again after the end of a love. It’s already complicated when you break up, and you have to part ways, but when don’t you really break up? It happens when one of the two physically leaves, when a physical bereavement. When one of the two dies.

The other stays here, with the idea that that love is still present, it is not finished, because it has never really ended. There widowhood it’s a status quo that is difficult to wear, complicated to wear. And there is no right way to experience it.

There are those who cling to memories, those who prefer to look ahead, those who lock up in their pain and those who seek new stimuli to get out of their shells.

There is a mourning – physical, concrete -, a lack, an absence not chosen, which weighs and with which to try to live together. An elaboration to do, to go through.

And if in the meantime, love comes knocking on the door again? What’s now? Does the door open or slam in his face? And will it be right for the heart to start beating again, after what happened? And for those who approach a widowed person, what is the approach to observe? There are many questions we asked the doctor Roberta Rossi, sexologist. Here is the outcome of this open-hearted chat.

“A’mourning processing there is always, after every loss of any kind, but in this case it is a physical, material mourning: the other is really no more. This phase is variable and is very individual, it does not have to do with age or state of health, but depends on personal emotionality. We must deal with this absence and gradually try to return to life, realizing that it proceeds, like it or not.

You need to move on, to go out, to eat, to see people … even to reopen your heart, if you want to. When you can think about the past, about memories, without anger, sadness or sense of lack, but with melancholy, then it means that in some way there has been an awareness of what has happened and we are ready to move on ».

A new relationship appears: is there any difference in behavior based on age or gender? “It is not a diktat, but in general, usually, who is more young by birth, perhaps he is more predisposed to start over in the affective sphere as well. Those who are more mature in age tend to think they have already had everything in life, without feeling the need for a new relationship. Just as it is proved that the women – especially the more mature ones – tend to be alone for longer than men. In each of these cases, however, when one feels ready, then it means that the previous cycle has ended, that a point has been made, which does not mean forgetting, but moving forward ».

Once the relationship is accepted, what will the first stages be like? “Here, too, there isn’t a rule that applies to everyone, but usually there is one very long knowledge phase, in which the widowed person understands if he can trust and trust again. He opens up to the world again, like a newborn: he has to refine certain sensations. There is a risk, But”.

Which? «They could make constant comparisons, comparisons with the old partner or even you could risk looking for his characteristics in the new one, because it gives us security. This means that the grieving process wasn’t really there, so maybe it wasn’t time to start a new relationship yet. When approaching a new person, it should be done with clean heart, also out of respect for the new partner. We must learn to listen to ourselves, not to rush things ».

It is also true that in a widowhood the other has never really left us, so perhaps it is even more difficult to get over it … “Yes, there was a traumatic event that snatched our loved one from life. A fortiori, it is necessary to do a work of elaboration, of acceptance, of gratitude towards the fruits of what has been and which will help us to sow better in the future ».

And with the sense of guilt how do we put it? “There is, it is undeniable, but it makes no sense to exist. You are experiencing a phase in which you have the feeling of replacing the other person, of difficulty in letting go, to say that that situation is over. Once you accept all this, you understand that it is sacrosanct to be able to take back an opportunity in life, it is vital to practice that healthy selfishness, which teaches us to love each other, also because we are not harming anyone, but only ourselves if we limit ourselves ».

Argument children: are they an obstacle or a motivation to move forward? “Children are an element of distraction: having them implies having to deal with them, not having much time to think about other things. There is no sense of abandonment, at least with the small ones. They force you to live in the present moment.

With older children it is different: if they are already out of the nest, the sense of loneliness will be stronger. Above all it must be taken into account that they could oppose the new relationship, out of a sense of protection. Here, theenvironment around it could be an element of resistance towards the new relationship: others are not used to this type of change, they would like us to wallow continuously in pain. But remember that mourning is personal, everyone elaborates it in his own way, some with tears, some with a smile, some with both, what counts is to listen to each other “.

And what should the new partner expect? How should you approach? «You must expect distrust, fear. Therefore he will have to use caution, calm down, he will have to respect the times: he will not have to force them, without pushing on the accelerator. Here, don’t think you are out of place or that you have done something wrong. You are faced with a fragile person, handle it with great care».