“Without you I’m worth nothing.” How to get out of the tunnel of emotional dependence

The first is to see theother as a central element of one’s psychic survival, to the point of having it always obsessively in mind, even while working. «Being with a person it is obviously normal to think about it every now and then during the day but always remaining focused on one’s profession. If, on the other hand, you continue to fantasize about when you will see each other again, what you said to each other last time, if you reread the messages exchanged and believe you have done something wrong simply because of a delayed response of a few minutes, it is the case of stop and think “.

Another sign is the inexistence of forms of happiness and fulfillment external to the couple. “Instead of getting satisfaction from other channels such as work, sports or friendships, it all depends on the partner, who if he wants you legitimizes you as a person, but if there isn’t he makes you feel like an empty sack, devoid of motivation”.

People who live in an addictive relationship are willing to do anything to not lose the partner, therefore also to put one’s own needs in the background. It no longer matters what they like or need but only what the other wants, who is enabled to do practically everything, to the point of physically mistreating. «This aspect is not always present but when it is there it is seen as a further sign of love. Better a slap in the face of indifference ».

The causes sometimes come from afar

For those who alternate happy relationships with other dysfunctional ones, it is easier to realize that they have fallen into an emotional dependency but often those who live them he knows no other way to love. “Some have only these kinds of relationships and are used to living on crumbs because their family history is like this and their needs have always been overshadowed. As in the case of Irene, a 25-year-old girl who had an affair with a married man much older than her. He humiliated her, mistreated her, didn’t even greet her on the street and forced her to have an abortion but at the same time he said he loved her and she believed him. When she arrived in therapy, devastated, we discovered that hers has always been a absent father and full of lovers, so in that older man she was looking for nothing but the affection that she had lacked as a child “

Executioner and victim, two sides of the same coin

Although faced with similar stories one is led to think that there is a victim and an executioner, if we exclude the cases of physical violence this is not always the case. It is in fact co-dependent relationships, in which both partners feed themselves through unhealthy couple rituals. «The so-called abuser, who is not always a man, is a person who seems very confident but that in reality has strong insecurities and needs having a mirror in front of him that makes him feel special. Very often he was a child praised for the things he could do but never seen for the things he couldn’t. He grew up on a pedestal and he doesn’t want to lose him, so he looks for a person who will let him stay, reassure him and never let him down ».