Women report a drop in sexual desire post-pandemic; expert gives tips

Have already passed almost four years since the world went into lockdown due to the Covid-19 pandemic — but don't be surprised if you're still not feeling as sexy as you used to.

Sexual function — which includes factors such as desire, arousal and pleasure — in both men and women declined significantly after the start of the Covid-19 pandemic, according to a January 2022 meta-analysis of 21 studies published in the journal BMC Public Health .

Women – even more than men – struggle when it comes to desire. “I've been hearing about this since the early months of the pandemic and it's definitely a trend that has continued,” he said. Vanessa Marin licensed marriage and family therapist living in Santa Barbara, California.

If you and your partner have found yourself in a difficult situation, there are ways to get out of it, she said. “Being in a relationship is really about working together as a team to figure out, 'Hey, what do we both want and how do we work together to get it?' added Marin, co-author of “Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life.”

Stress kills sex

Why would Covid-19 create such a constant problem for sexual desire? Stress, said Dr. Justin Lehmiller , researcher at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University. “It makes sense that people have had a lot of hardships during this time because there were major disruptions in life that didn’t necessarily go away when the world reopened,” said Lehmiller, who also hosts the “Sex and Psychology Podcast.”

It's hard for people's bodies to find space for sex when they're under stress, Marin said. “For the vast majority of people, if you're under a lot of stress, your body shuts down any avenues for arousal and desire,” she said. In addition to concerns about the state of the world and your family's health, the transition to a Covid-19 world without childcare, working from home and less social media has meant increased stress for many people – but especially for women.

“The pandemic has brought issues of mental load and mental work really to the forefront in a way that has never happened before,” Marin said. Mental load refers to tasks that require planning, preparation and monitoring to maintain a family. It makes sense that women who take on more of the domestic work — while working from home — begin to feel like intimacy with their partner is another item on other people's to-do lists, she added.

And even though things have returned to something closer to normal after lockdown ended, people may have gotten used to the way things were. That means many people probably haven't found ways to reinvigorate their relationships, he said. Deborah Fox licensed sex therapist and clinical social worker based in Washington, DC.

Spontaneous versus responsive

That feeling at the beginning of a relationship when desire is on fire all the time is actually an anomaly in the world of sexuality, and it's okay if you have to change your approach as the relationship progresses, Fox said.

Many people, especially women, tend to experience what's called responsive arousal, as opposed to spontaneous arousal, she said. While someone who becomes spontaneously aroused may be interested in sex in many circumstances, people who are more receptive to their desire require a less stressful context and contact with their partner that initiates their arousal, Fox added.

“If you want to have sex on Saturday, start foreplay on Wednesday,” she said. And it doesn't need to be explicit. Foreplay can be spending time with your partner watching your favorite show, going on a fun date, or even taking a hot shower, Fox said. To get back to a space where desire is more regular, Fox recommends setting aside time where you and your partner will be physically connected.

Importantly, this doesn't necessarily mean that's when you'll have sex, and there really shouldn't be any pressure for it to lead to that, she said. Instead, hug, kiss, or hold hands at that designated time and be open to where that might happen. And don't forget to have fun with it, Fox said. “That regular kind of rhythm of activity is what's needed because otherwise the drift takes over,” she added. “And if you’re already coming out of the pandemic, it’s weird coming back into it.”

How to get the flame back

With an issue as multifaceted as sexual desire, there are many steps you can take if you want to get back into the swing of things. First, take inventory of your emotional connection with your partner: Are you feeling disconnected or resentful? Working on these relationship elements together or with a therapist can resolve physical issues, Marin said.

So notice the quality of the sex you are having. “The vast majority of people describe their sex as boring, routine, predictable and that there is nothing for them in it,” she added. You may not know exactly what would bring some spice back, but start by asking yourself and talking to your partner about what you like about your sex life — following this guidance can improve the experience for you, Marin said.

Lastly, women need to start talking about pain. “Research has shown that 30% of women experienced pain the last time they had sex, which is a really impressive number,” Marin said. “If you feel pain during sex, there's no point in wanting it, so dealing with sexual pain is another great place to start for many people.”

She recommends talking to your doctor or gynecologist and perhaps a sex therapist to treat any pain you're feeling. It's crucial that we don't respond to sexual difficulties by avoiding them, Lehmiller said. In her research, “a lot of people dealt with our sexual difficulties by just avoiding sex, because sometimes it's easier to just not have it and not talk about it than to have those difficult conversations,” Lehmiller said. And the data showed that men were more likely than women to seek professional help for the sexual problems they experienced, he said. “Unfortunately, I think we have normalized women’s sexual difficulties,” he added.