Young people, sex and that absurd importance of personal performance

Sexuality for young people it is increasingly a minefield, and from a positive moment of sharing emotions which it should be, is turning into a “race for excellence”. A driving force towards performance which risks not only damaging the moment itself, but also and above all the future, given that in the desperate search for the perfect relationship, prevention is very often overlooked.

FromObservatory Young people and sexualitycreated like every year by Durex on a sample of 15,000 young people between 11 and 24 years old, it emerges that in 2023 only 43% said they regularly use condomscompared to 57% in 2019.

And the reasons, in many cases, have to do with the idea that introducing it into the relationship somehow makes the act “less virile”. She doesn't wear it why do it it would interrupt the moment 28% of the kids interviewed, and because of one difficulty communicating with their partner 21%. Even more alarming data if we consider that the percentage of those tackling it for the first time at a very young age, between 11 and 13 years old, has increased (3% in 2019 and 12% in 2023). An age group in which awareness of risks is lower, while the desire to overdo it increases.

There Gen ZIn short, it is progressively taking a dangerous path. «We live in an era that exaggerates the positive value of performance and overshadows the negative aspects and risks. – explains Filippo Nimbi, psychologist and sexologist at La Sapienza University of Rome – The new generations are more likely to be “victims” of this culture, having grown up in a historical period in which almost everything is perceived as a challenge and we are constantly told that we must be the best to be accepted and loved. In this, sex is no different from other areas such as school, work, relationships and hobbies.”

Was it like this in the past too?
«Sexuality is an area that has always activated our emotions, especially when it comes to young people and their first sexual experiences. Agitation, the desire mixed with fear of trying a new experience and the fear of comparison with others have always existed. One of the aspects that has changed, however, is the fact that today young people have access to many examples and models of sexuality to refer to, often stereotyped and highly performative, like those proposed by mainstream pornography”.

How does this affect them?
«Contributing to the creation of unrealistic expectations about sexuality. But not because porn has anything wrong with it. There pornography it is the cinematic production of fantasies for an adult audience, it is not aimed at children, who are in a process of training and exploring their sexuality and identity. The same goes for technologies that are applied to sexuality such as dating app and the sexting. The focus here is not the tool, but the lack of an instruction manual. Today we live in a scenario in which sexual education is not institutionalized and families and schools are not prepared and supported in their educational role towards children on the issues of sexuality and relationships.”

How much does the myth of performance affect condom use?
“Very, very much. False myths are still widespread such as the fact that the condom can reduce pleasure or excitement, while in reality it can be a tool that allows you to approach sexuality in a more free and serene way, increasing the quality of the relationship because, by protecting from infections and unwanted pregnancies, helps partners relax and live more in the moment. The point is that young people they are not informed and they often perceive it almost exclusively as a healthcare device, therefore not very sexy and attractive. To respond to this, Durex presented the new “It Works in Two” campaign: an invitation to everyone, and in particular to young people, to use the condom as a tool of responsibility between partners, an expression of a culture based on dialogue, consent and respect for oneself and others.”

Many kids say they don't use it because it would interrupt the moment. How can you convince them that wearing it, on the contrary, is a moment worth sharing?
«This is another false myth. The idea that using a condom (asking to use it, picking it up, putting it on, etc.) can interrupt the moment It makes me think of a pit stop in a car race (which, among other things, is functional to the running of the race). Fortunately, sex is not a competition and, in this sense, young people cannot be convinced to use condoms if they don't want to. What can be done, however, is to educate them on prevention techniques and to think about the effect of false myths on sexuality.”

How else does the obsession with/for performance undermine the sexual well-being of very young people?
«Experiencing sexuality only as a performance risks make sex stressful and not a moment of pleasure and intimacy. It's like always being in competition with yourself, with peers and with partners. This approach can also increase theperformance anxiety, which can in turn lead to greater sexual difficulties (such as erectile dysfunction, pain, anorgasmia), problems connecting emotionally with partners and creating satisfying relationships. It can also make it harder to feel comfortable with your body. In some cases, the performance can lead some young people to give up living their sexuality, to eliminate a further source of stress from their lives.”

What are their recurring fears?
«They mainly concern the failure and the consequent negative judgment of oneself and the other person. What scares you the most is not feeling up to your expectations about sexuality, such as not being able to have penetrative intercourse, not being able to make your partner feel pleasure or orgasm. Other fears have to do with perception of one's body and how this can be seen by others: let's think about elements such as the size of the breasts or hips compared to girls and the size of the genitals regarding boys. All this should make us reflect on how much performance can amplify insecurity, the fear of rejection, of not feeling adequate, and of not feeling recognized by others.”

The performance that many young people tend towards is personal, rather than aimed at their partner, so dialogue is missing? How can it be stimulated?
«Often the effects of the performance we witness are more on a personal level, that is, on how we feel and judge ourselves. In this egocentric process, the other is often lost sight of and idealized in turn. Communication is the tool that can make the difference in meeting the “real” other. To stimulate it, we can work at many levels, through education in schools but also communicating to your partner how you feel regarding a sexual experience we are about to face, if joyful, curious, a little agitated or scared. These are all valid emotions and can be an excellent starting point for making the other person open up in turn, starting a more intimate and positive discussion about sexuality.”