The clear signs that your relationship is over (and you don’t want to admit it)

I describe a scene to you. Close your eyes and try to imagine it. Match with someone on Tinder or start writing yourself on Instagram. There is a feeling, in chat there is great complicity. You decide to go offline and see yourself live. First date: going great. You keep hearing each other, you meet again a couple of times, maybe you even end up in bed. It’s all right… until he no longer makes himself heard or thins out the answers on WhatsApp or doesn’t make any more proposals to see you or… disappears.

The carousel of questions begins in the head: what happened? Why doesn’t he make himself heard anymore? Why are you ignoring me? Do you have too much work? Are you too stressed out? Yes, he sure is tired… Here’s why.

Has this happened to anyone out there? We already see you raising your hands, some timidly, others muttering that they could open the portfolio with the photos of the human cases met on the street.

“It could be one relationship already over, but also never started», He explains to me in a video call on a hot July morning Mary G. Baccaglini, profession love coach, but also love influence from over 28 thousand followers on Instagram and author of the bestseller “Badly we fall in love”, published by Garzanti.

Bright and smiling, Mary lends herself to what is more a chat than an interview, indeed a “consultation”, since some of the journalist’s questions here are anything but disinterested. Mary is kind and smiles often, slyly. Who knows how many he will have seen and heard in his long career …

“I know what we’re talking about because I’ve been there too: I was making bad relationships because I was sending the wrong messages. And the more I did it, the more I pushed love away from me. Until I started taking care of myself, of my self-esteem. Love has arrived, it has been by my side for 10 years and we have a wonderful 5 year old child ».

So, are we women always wrong, who don’t love each other enough?
«We are all wrong or none. In the sense that it is all one communication problem: in the case of a relationship that has just been born and has already ended, it may be that he loses interest and moves away, not communicating. So we begin to target him, in search of answers, because we do not tolerate the absence, because we are looking for confirmation.
But in the case of men non-communication is already communication. While for us women the need for verbalize everything is vital, for man it is synonymous with fatigue, effort, work for a relationship that perhaps he does not want or does not want yet. Staying under him means tightening the noose around his neck and letting him escape ».

But then if he moves away from us, why does he do it?
«I reasons they can be multiple: he is also feeling others and does not understand your relationship as exclusive, he is simply a superficial person, he does not want in-depth knowledge, he has not yet absorbed the blow of a previous relationship that ended badly, he is afraid … Yes, he is afraid.
Men, especially men, are also afraid, especially if they really like you. The film released a few years ago “The truth is he does not like you enough” he was telling a truth, but it was also misleading: it may be that he disappears because you don’t care, but there are millions of other facets that it is good to take into account, such as the fact that he too may still be hurt by other stories, that he wants to go with lead feet if you have really impressed him, who doesn’t want to throw himself into a new relationship lightly… Anything is possible ».

So are we right to hope again, if he too goes away?
«We do well only if we don’t feed the story we tell ourselves. That is, we women are “programmed” from an early age to seek the famous “Love of life”, so that we cling to every story, even the most insipid, charging it with expectations because we often don’t focus on who we want the relationship with, but only on the fact that we just want a relationship. So we embark on one wrong relationship after another and suffer, blaming ourselves for everything.
We must keep in mind due mantra: the first, his attitude, his choices do not affect our value. It is not because he has never made himself heard that we are ugly, useless or not enough. His intentions do not have to coincide with our discontent.
Furthermore, we must learn to choose: it is not possible that a Mr. nobody seen a couple of times, causes a hole in our heart and throws us to the ground for days, if not months. This happens because we are more attracted to the idea of ​​engagement itself than to the guy in question. And then there is another fundamental question… ».

Don’t tell me about the biological clock …
“It partly concerns you, yes. We women always have Too hurry, let’s run. Think about how much we invest in expectations on the first date: we spend hours preparing ourselves and spend hundreds of euros to look our best with one we’ve never even seen. Because we are already ahead with the thought. And then, we claim that he goes at our speed: that he writes to us immediately, that he wants to see us again immediately, that he wants to marry us in a few months. But that’s not how it works.
Now I will say something provocative: maybe he’s working on the relationship too, just differently from ours. We must give him time, space and a way to come forward, to desire us. This does not mean sacrificing ourselves on his altar and waiting for him forever eh … ».

So how much? Is there a right time to wait for someone we like?
“It’s not a standard time, but there is a way to understand it: you leave, close with him, when you start questioning your worth. That is when hearing it, looking for it, thinking about it bothers you and makes you feel diminished. Here, there is the time to say enough. Time is important to us women, I understand that. But we must learn to manage it better, thinking about our well-being ».

Usually, when we move away and forget about it, the object of our desire comes back knocking on the door …
«But be careful: he could do it for reasons other than those hoped for. The thick man it also comes back just for sex or ego, not for love. The male brain adopts this mechanism which is very far from ours: we women do not act to feed the ego, the man does. He is pleased even if we answer, if we look for him, if we are there. He could be satisfied even just like that. While we women do not, we seek thehappy ending».

That doesn’t exist, at this point, I seem to understand …
“It could even exist if the two are aligned on what they want and are willing to work on it together. But with newly born relationships I prefer to talk about happy starting: let’s get started well on something that might even be imperfect. Let us not be conditioned by the idea we have of the relationship, but we continue to work on ourselves and for ourselves: only in this way will we offer the best in the relationship “.

In short, let’s stop saying that men are all assholes, but also that we are all romantics …
“Everyone is what he is, beautiful as he is. But the truth is that we often don’t understand why we communicate in the wrong way: we women generally tend to give exclusivity to a man immediately, which is a very serious attitude, but in doing so we charge his behavior with an importance that he has never made us believe, perhaps. And we give it more space to hurt us.
Because there is only one point: how much space do we give each other to hurt each other? Because one thing is the pain and another is there suffering: pain happens, it comes suddenly and often we don’t decide it. But suffering is the attitude we choose to have when we don’t process the pain. Grief – a bereavement, a divorce, a betrayal – can become awonderful opportunity for personal growth, but we are the only ones to decide. Happiness is our responsibility, let’s always remember ”.

Mary has drawn up a list of 5 steps, i 5 steps of love, to fall in love more consciously: you can find them below and in our gallery. Browse it now!

Self esteem
The first step starts with oneself: if we don’t know how to love ourselves well, we won’t know how to love or make ourselves loved well.

Choice
We women do not choose, but we often let ourselves choose. Mary has drawn up a list of exercises, which she illustrates in her courses, to understand who we want by our side and above all who is doing well next to us.

Communication
Man and woman communicate differently, this is undeniable. We sometimes have diametrically opposed desires. Lack of communication is at the root of every relationship and couple problem.

Knowledge
A relationship often doesn’t start because we don’t take the time to really get to know a person. We learn to lower expectations while having fun, so we will really understand if we can like that person.

Magnet
We often complain that no one comes close to us. But what attitudes do we take towards the other? Often we are hostile without realizing it, only with paraverbal language. We change the world of behaving, the words we choose: only in this way will we transform ourselves from calamity into magnet.