Understand why feeling angry is an important feeling for humans

Violent, cruel and choleric. These are some of the words we associate with anger that are not pleasant in human relationships.

“Anger is a particular type of emotional state that can receive a lot of judgment from ourselves and others,” analyzes Dr. Brett Ford, associate professor of psychology at the University of Toronto, Canada.

It can be an unpleasant emotion to experience and it can be culturally discouraged, but we need anger, she added.

“I think the understanding of anger as bad is actually one of the biggest impediments to our emotional processing,” points out Jaime Mahler, a therapist and trauma specialist based in New York.

“You’re taking a very useful emotion, squashing it and repressing it, and saying it doesn’t matter.” Evidence suggests that minority groups and women face particular cultural pressure to contain their anger, Ford said.

Emotions tend to have social expectations, or scripts, she noted. “And anger tends to have pretty powerful and prohibitive scripts and norms,” added Ford.
While many people may feel the need to resist or hide their anger, these mental health experts argue otherwise.

Anger, they say, is an important tool that we should learn to wield in gentle, healthy, and productive ways.

And as unpleasant as it is, the consequences of denying it could be worse, warns Deborah Ashway, a licensed clinical mental health counselor based in New Bern, North Carolina.

“If you grew up learning that you’re not allowed to express anger, after a while, it unquestionably affects you,” Ashway commented. “And that turns into guilt.”

Anger Can Inform and Protect You

Anger is not all doom and gloom. “Our emotions are the highest guidance we have available to us,” explains Ashway. “Anger comes as a warning. Like, ‘something is going on here.’

That surge of anger can alert us to a violation of our values, a sense of danger or a sense of neglect, she added.

And add to this that “anger is a protective emotion,” points out Mahler, author of “Toxic Relationship Recovery: Your Guide to Identifying Toxic Partners, Leaving Unhealthy Dynamics, and Healing Emotional Wounds After a Breakup.”

When expressed constructively, anger can lead people to defend their needs and opinions to ensure they are met, according to Ashway.

“It helps us set boundaries. Helps in self-preservation. It helps us to be assertive and stand up for ourselves. It helps in resolving conflicts if managed properly,” he added.

That drive can also drive us to act on the things that make us angry, whether it’s having a difficult conversation with a friend or taking political action, argues Ford.

“If something is getting in the way and we need to overcome some kind of obstacle, anger can help motivate us to do that,” she said.

When it’s not just anger anymore

But what about malice and violence? This is usually linked to anger — and it’s not necessarily anger, Ashway elucidates. And yes, they are different concepts.

“Violence is bad. Drilling walls is bad. Throwing trash cans is bad,” added Mahler. But in those cases, “we’re talking about the result of unprocessed anger, not the anger itself.”

Violence, according to Ashway, is an attitude linked to anger, “but an old, unprocessed anger. It is an attitude that no longer serves a healthy purpose. It’s more destructive.”

If you’re angry, you can step back, get information, and make a choice based on your emotions. But angry and violent people are no longer in control of their emotions, warned Ashway.

“You can’t really get to that level of emotional expression unless your anger hasn’t been processed for a long time,” explains Mahler. “Processed anger can lead to healing, but unprocessed anger can lead to violence.”

How to process your anger?

There is evidence that intense, chronic anger can lead to physical and mental health problems, cautions Ford. This means that ruminating or letting anger build can be counterproductive.

“(Emotions) are actually not meant to last long. Their purpose is to help us manage a specific moment in our environment,” she recalls.
That’s why it’s even more important to keep the feeling and process it fully, Ford said.

But that’s not always possible in moments of anger, argues Mahler. She likened it to someone having a panic attack instead of anxiety.

“You can’t really rationalize someone out of panic, you just have to calm your body down. The same is true with anger. You just need to calm their body down and bring them into a better state of consciousness.”

From there, you can start processing the emotion.

Start by letting it in and reflecting on it, Ashway cast. Instead of letting it pressurize until it explodes, acknowledge it without judgment and watch it, Mahler added. Even if that means setting a 5-minute timer for the period you allow yourself to feel angry.

“Then the next step is to try to understand why the anger appeared in that specific situation,” he said.

“What could be impeding your energy or thoughts? What are you protecting yourself from? What do you need that isn’t being met?” are questions Ashway wants people to ask when observing her anger.

“And then, once you’re aware of that, you’re in control. It will no longer control you,” she pointed out, adding that this is the place from which you can decide how to move forward.

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