Violence, when abusive men report themselves

Sometimes it happens: the same men who are perpetrators of violence realize they are and, before repeating their behavior, they self-report, seek help. We talked about it with the therapist Maria Rosaria Rapollaconductor of the rehab groups for men perpetrators of violence organized by the Somaschi Onlus Foundation.

Are there many abusive men who repent?
«It is a typical mechanism, and on the one hand we can say ‘unfortunately’. Very often, in fact, repentance is part of a kind of circular pattern whereby the man who is the perpetrator of violence first tries to control the woman, then, when he perceives that he cannot do it, he commits violence and finally manifests a sense of guilt. In this phase there may even be a period of “honeymoon”, or of greater kindness and attention on the part of man, to be forgiven. This, in some cases, can be misleading: it seems like a change, but it is not ».

Because?
«Because, as soon as the man feels he no longer has control over the woman, he will most likely react violently again, only to repent again. So even when there is a sort of remorse it does not mean that the man is really aware of what he has done and has really matured the choice not to commit violence anymore “.

And when do they report themselves to the police?
“It is certainly good that men let themselves be stopped before the irreparable, but this is only a first step. In fact, the problem, even in this case, is that man has delegated control to others: “Stop me, because I won’t stop alone”. Hence the importance of focusing on structured paths of awareness, “educational” processes that lead the person to learn that all violence is the result of a will and a personal decision, that one can choose not to carry it out “.

What is the path they take to reach awareness?
«Within the treatment courses for abusive men proposed by the Somaschi Foundation, the first step is to lead each of them to recognize the different types of violence. In fact, if the physical one is easily recognized, often the psychological and economic ones are not in the least. This is followed by the identification of violence, precisely, as a choice. To get there, we help man to retrace the thoughts and emotions that precede the violent act. The goal is for him to learn to recognize and govern them in order to be able to choose to act in another way. In fact, a kind of short circuit often occurs: man does not recognize the various passages of his emotions and thoughts that lead him to choose to commit violence. So much so that there is talk of a generic “lack of control”, thus denying responsibility and choice. It is therefore essential to bring the perpetrator of violence back to the level of responsibility, of the complete absence of alibis and extenuating circumstances. Because violence is always a choice, as well as a crime ».

How do you help these men?
«We are working on alternative possibilities to violence. One of the questions that one asks after having completed the path of recognition of emotions and thoughts is precisely: what could he have done differently? Evaluating, recognizing and learning to be able to choose different behaviors is crucial for the success of the treatment. Having taken these steps, it is equally important that the man truly understands the effects and damage caused by violence in his victims, therefore in his partner and, where present, in the children who witness the abuse. Developing the ability to empathize with them is essential for real change ».