In a recent interview, Francesca Neri talked about her complicated and painful relationship with her anaffective mother. “I wondered several times why he didn’t love me”- said the actress, guest of the program I hear you.
But what it really means to grow up with a mom who can’t convey love and security? With the help of Doctor Franco Merlini, psychologist and psychotherapist of Humanitas Psico Medical Carewe tried to understand it better.
Who are the anaffective mothers?
“Speaking of unaffective mothers we must not arouse blame or stigmatization from gender – explains the psychologist and psychotherapist Franco Merlini – Meanwhile, we keep in mind that most of the vicissitudes inherent in maternal love mostly occur in an area of unawareness, from which I feel I can exclude some form of personal will from the mother. And then it would be necessary to consider the question of the relationship that the woman has with the female as a whole, social, family, cultural roles and, last but not least, the relationship with man. At the base, however, there are often complex personal experiences or a particularly difficult emotional past, suffered by the same mother at the work, in turn, of her mother ».
Generally when we talk about anaffective mothers we are talking about mothers who they are unable to convey lovefrom express their emotions and are therefore unable to empathize. “This means that the child does not feel understood, nor even respected in his affective-emotional needs – continues the psychologist and psychotherapist – a very serious aspect because the child remains without thatemotional alphabet which will serve him to interpret his internal world, with serious repercussions in relations with others. The fact remains that instead these mothers are very attentive, even “too much”, to the physical and environmental needs of the child ».
In general, the Anaffective mothers refuse expressions of affectionlike hugs and caresses, they are absent but they can also become aggressive or manipulative. The unconscious blackmail at the basis of the relationship with children can become that of “if you don’t behave as I want you make me feel bad “.
Studies on the emotional bond
A 2012 study entitled Emotional Relationships between Mothers and Infants he took stock of the various researches that have examined over time the processes that take place in the early stages of attachment between mother and childdemonstrating how much the emotional availability of the mother in the first years of the child’s life represents a fundamental prerequisite for his growth.
Among the researches analyzed also that intotolata Effects of maternal unavailability on mother-infant interactions published in Infant Behavior and Development. The study highlights how 4-month-old babies are more distressed during a maternal silence that during the physical separation from the mother, suggesting how the lack of emotional availability of the mother may have more worrying effects even than absence.
Again, research Mother’s presence is not enough: Effect of emotional availability on infant exploration published on Developmental Psychology, investigated the effects of having an anaffective mother from the point of view of children who, by natural propensity, seek her out to request support. Research has shown how the mother’s lack of emotional availability can have important repercussions even on the child’s ability to feel curiosity e to explore the world. In other words, a relationship with an anaffective mother could also strongly limit the propensity to open up to others and to move in society.
What are the consequences of having an anaffective mother?
Beyond the results that have emerged from various scientific researches, today it is widely demonstrated that growing up with a mother unable to express love and show the child an emotional availability means growing without what is essential nourishment for emotional development. “Sometimes we find the results of certain deficiencies, not surprisingly, in the various types of eating disorders – specifies Dr. Merlini – from anorexia to bulimias“.
In general, then, the negative effects on childrenfuture adults, may be different, including the low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, inability to lovedissatisfaction with their results and, as a reaction, relational rigidity, guilt, obsession.
“It is evident that many anaffective mothers are essentially depressed mothers and, even if they do not recognize it, the children suffer the whole dramatic consequence: sadness, closure, lack of vitality, spontaneity, relationship fears, phobias and obsessions. – explains the psychotherapist – However they do not develop real depressions themselvesin fact they do not have to do with a loss, a real abandonment, violence or physical neglect, but they in turn become very similar if not identical to their mothers. That is, the child closes himself in a “nest” ».
Anaffective mother: what consequences can it have on relationships in adulthood?
According to Freud, the bond between mother and child is so strong that it necessarily connotes the future love relationships of the individual. In other words, according to this theory, the bond with mom would inevitably be taken as an example as prototype of all other love relationships.
If so, what repercussions would the relationship with an anaffective mother have on future relationships? Although each individual represents a case in itself and cannot be generalized, the lack of emotional availability of the mother can generate a predisposition to emotional dependence: not having been able to dispose of the mother’s love, the individual could in fact be led to entrust himself emotionally to another woman.
An anaffective mother can have major repercussions too in a woman’s adult life, strongly influencing his interpersonal relationships. The risk for a child who has grown up without counting on her mother’s love is often that of develop behaviors based on the desire to please others rather than satisfying itself. Not only that, the risk is also that of look for partners who behave similarly to that of the motheror with a strong tendency to criticism, judgment or, in the worst cases, abandonment.
Although he can leave deep scarsHowever, having grown up with an anaffective mother does not mean having to give up the possibility of a satisfying life, characterized by stable and healthy relationships.
The first important step is to recognize that you have suffered a lack and of put aside the guilt. In fact, if it is true that the children of anaffective mothers grow up with the conviction that they do not deserve their mother’s love, once they become adults they absolutely must acknowledge that you are not guilty for this lack of affection.
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Source: Vanity Fair
