Don’t get attached to the other, leave space, have your own life: given the premises thus, they seem the ideal conditions to ensure that one relation in the bud you become then healthyindependent. But if one of the two escapes, runs away, shuns the emotional commitment? No problem if the relationship remains “light”, but as soon as things get serious …
We talk about emotional counter-dependencethe opposite of emotional dependence: the second is already talked about abundantly, the first hardly ever talks about anyone. Precisely for this reason, and precisely because it concerns a good part of people, we discussed the subject with the doctor Matteo Merigo, psychologist, psychotherapist, clinical sexologist and couple counselor. Here’s what we learned.
We always talk about emotional dependence, but there is also counter-dependence: what exactly does it consist of?
“It’s a relatively new concept in the psychological realm. A counter-dependent person is he or she who it shuns all-encompassing, or stable, relationships. He has no problems with a hit and run instead. To explain this concept, however, we still need to take a step back, that is distinguish between healthy and dependent relationship, because counter-dependence always and in any case pertains to this area. A healthy relationship it is one characterized by strong affectivity, understanding, common goals and points of conflict. When there is addiction, fear sets in: the employee fears the absence of the other, there is a need for affection that must be filled in a very short time. Likewise, in counter-dependence it is fear that reigns supreme: to expose oneself, to expose one’s emotions, to enter into a relationship, to need the other. If we want to explain it by antithesis, in the dependence we find the fear of being alone; in counter-dependence instead there is fear of being accompanied, which is not 100% real. Because those who are counter-dependent have a desire to enter into a relationship, but often either in a superficial one or in one that is functional or that lasts relatively short. On the other hand, the employee is totalitarian: he wants the other to be present always and constantly, creating pathological pictures in some situations ».
What can be the causes?
“The causes can be multiple: or one previous relationship in which it was invested, that is ended badly, therefore it instills the fear that the plot could be traced; or the continuation of hit and run relationships and when these come to life, or in the possibility that they can become serious, the person asks himself the question of whether to continue living the relationship or not, because he experiences it as an aspect of dependence, therefore he acts in the opposite way, because he experiences the relationship. relationship as dysfunctional. Often the counter addict has one desperation of relationships: Seeing that the relationships around him are going badly, he doesn’t want that suffering for himself. In a nutshell, a counter-dependence is a counterphobic mechanism: being afraid of the relationship, then I shun it “.
Why should a person shy away from him or her who attracts him, who loves? What are the psychological mechanisms that induce him to behave like this?
«The counter-dependent does not feel up to the situation: afraid of making a mistake in committing to do something. If the other asks for a certain thing, and the counter-dependent responds to that need with a certain attitude, which however is not the right one, then he shows the false self: that is, he would like to enter the relationship, but perhaps it becomes too challenging or exhausting. or demanding and then he chooses to let it go, or he is blocked by the fear of making a mistake and therefore by the fact that he or she is the cause of the end of the relationship. Of course, we must also take into account the personal history of each: if in any type of relationship, a person the cause of its end was felt – whether they are also friends or family members – then it is easy to trigger the counterphobic mechanism we were talking about earlier “.
What are the emotions, the feelings that involve these individuals at the base?
«Mainly, at the base there is usually a sense of fear, of inadequacy: I do not consider myself up to the situation, so I isolate myself emotionally, which does not correspond to anaffectivityindeed, but it is only a tendency to limit affectivity, for fear that it may explode: I am afraid of falling in love with that person, because I fear that it may hurt me, that it may end, that it may reciprocate me, but then it will leave me, then I I hold back in feelings.
Another sentiment that emerges is the sense of inferiority: one might think that the counter-dependent considers himself superior to the other. Not at all: he thinks he is inferior to the relationship, for this reason he shows that he knows how to be well alone. Then, absolutely, there are people who are really fine alone, who don’t feel the need to have someone by their side. But the problem arises where a relationship begins to emerge and the counter-dependent does everything to sabotage it: it makes it “temporary”, lives it badly, the relationship that is lived in a dark way or in a fragmentary way … ».
What are the symptoms of this behavior, or how does a counter-dependent behave towards the counterpart?
«A counter-dependent seek detachment, despite having in mind the emotions and feelings involved: therefore he experiences the relationship in “energy saving” mode, without giving the other access to his emotions. Problems arise when the other falls in love or both, because the counter-addict can fall in love or love or feel a desire, but at that point it will try to limit itself more and morefor a fear of one projection of a lived experience that has already been there and hovers like a ghost over the relationship.
In some situations, a appearance maybe a little more narcissisticthat is, I do not want to involve myself so as not to preclude myself from knowing someone who could be better than the current one “.
Is a counter addict an anaffective?
“No it is not. A counter-addict is also afraid of his own emotions, tends to be very frugal in his feelings and often struggles with many questions, going to hyperanalyze the situation. This leads him to not express himself or to express only 1% of what he is feeling for and with the other person. On the contrary, the stronger the feeling for the other person, the more they tend to limit themselves, to close, to withdraw, also showing a disconnect between the real self – which would like to let itself go – and the false one – which instead raises the barriers and tends to flee ».
How to get out of counter-dependence? On which points of your emotional / character history should you work?
«Here we need to do some work on the aspect linked to fear, then dismantle one piece at a time what are the ideas of terror linked to the future. It must be understood that every relationship is unique, then if a person wants to avoid a relationship, that’s fine, the important thing is that it is clear to the other too “.
And for those who fall in love with a counter-addict, what to do? In a society where everyone suggests turning the page instantly if there is no reciprocity, in this case it is better to leave it alone or wait?
“Everything is inlisten to your self, and understand what is suitable: what do I appreciate about the other that allows me, pushes me to stay in that relationship? It’s still: let’s take the time both of us understand how much we care about each other, without the need for labels. In short, it all depends on how good you are in that relationshiptaking into account the behavior of the other: if they make us suffer, it is better to quit ».
How to behave, what attitudes to have towards a counter-employee?
“As always, at the beginning of every relationship, you have to watch what happens, give time, privilege introspection, to understand if it’s worth it: if you understand that it is not worth it, close, as I said before. If it’s worth it, recognize the elements for which it becomes a big yes. We take into account that the counter-dependence could also be in response to a situation that has occurred, so in the short term, it is not necessarily a personality disorder. So, let’s avoid labels and live it ».
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Source: Vanity Fair
